Mr. Sheen, your VD is here


— 9:53 AM on February 3, 2011

That's right, iPhone fans and AT&T haters, it's Verizon Day for the iPhone, and today is the day you, yes you, can order an iPhone. Assuming you're a current Verizon customer who is either out of contract or uses C-notes as handi-wipes. Potential switchers must endure six more days if they want to order online or a full week if they want to make "can you hear me now" jokes in a stucco-and-bailing-wire Verizon store.

Currently, there is a metric boatload of Verizon iPhone 4 reviews floating around the web (the metric boatload is roughly 113% larger than an English Imperial boatload.) You may find these reviews in one handy location here. Being the lowest-rung Apple pundit (de-emphasis on pun) troll the Algorenet, I do not have a Verizon iPhone 4 to review for your pleasure today. And probably not tomorrow. Which is okay, because I can summarize pretty much every review that's out there in just a few short lines:

  1. The Verizon iPhone 4 looks remarkably similar to the AT&T version! It even feels the same!
  2. The mute switch has moved south a few millimeters, so your fancy bamboo case probably won't fit. CDMA sux!
  3. If you live in an area where AT&T coverage blows (which, according to Snopes, is not the entire North American continent), the Verizon iPhone drops fewer calls. CDMA rocks!
  4. Due to limitations with CDMA, the Verizon iPhone 4 cannot transmit data and voice at the same time, so no more reading The Onion while on a speakerphone conference call. CDMA sux!
  5. Good luck using the CDMA iPhone overseas, Jean Claude. CDMA blows!
  6. The Verizon iPhone can act as a mobile hotspot, unlike (until February 13) the AT&T version. CDMA rocks softly!
  7. Many people are experiencing slower data throughput on the Verizon phone. CDMA sux!
  8. The Verizon iPhone 4 doesn't run on AT&T's network, just Verizon's. CDMA rocks!

And scene.

You may think the deciding factor would be price. Ha! Price as a competitive advantage? How very Sam Walton of you. You know what the price difference would be if my wife and I switch to Verizon when our contracts are up in June? A giant barrel of bupkis, that's what. And we get rollover minutes with AT&T. Of which we've used five in the last 18 months. That's a $2.00 savings any fan of "Better Off Dead" would appreciate.

So, in the end, it comes down to which network you hate less. In my case, I'll stick with AT&T. Where I live, dropped calls are so infrequent I usually assume the fault lies on the other end of the line. Also, I hate Verizon. My wife was a Verizon customer for years, and I switched to it from T-Mobile (who always treated me well) after we got married for reasons I no longer recall. Verizon's customer service was horrible, we often had to call about mystery fees (a practice for which the FCC eventually busted them), and did I mention their customer service was horrible? AT&T is no pocketful of sunshine, but at least I know up front how much they plan on hosing me.

As always, your results may vary.

----

In other news, Steve Jobs has taken another medical leave of absence, which has sent the tech speculators into a speculative tizzy. What's wrong with Steve now? Will he need another transplant? Will he return as part organic Steve and part Imagineered robot possibly using parts from the Magic Kingdom's Hall of Presidents? Without Jobs, will Apple become the Coby Electronics of the computing industry? Huh? Will it? Yeah?

Dunno, dunno, I hope he gets Andrew Jackson's hair, no.

Chill out, people. Yes, Steve is a great leader, and I'm sure he has great ideas about products and features and whatnot. But even without Steve at the helm, the good ship Apple is not going to contract a collective case of Legionnaires' disease and revert back to the days of Scully and Amelio. Tim Cook may not have the charisma of Jobs, but all he has to do is trot out Johnny Ive and his British accent to overcome that come keynote time.

Personally, I wouldn't mind the company nose-diving a bit so the stock becomes devalued. Then, Jobs can return for a third time and use his Andrew Jackson hair to power the company to even greater heights. Perhaps with a Retina Display that actually attaches to your retina. Just a thought.

Later,

Fox

   
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