Personal computing discussed

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morphine
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Re: Post your jokes here!

Fri Feb 29, 2008 2:44 pm

Yeah. Too true to be a joke.
There is a fixed amount of intelligence on the planet, and the population keeps growing :(
 
FroBozz_Inc
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Re: Post your jokes here!

Fri Feb 29, 2008 2:47 pm

Derfunk: That is now printed out on the wall in my office :) Thanks!
 
derFunkenstein
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Re: Post your jokes here!

Fri Feb 29, 2008 3:19 pm

Fine, it's not a joke...it's amusing, though, nonetheless. :lol: And I knew I'd find people to appreciate it. :D
I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.
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Jigar
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Re: Post your jokes here!

Tue Apr 01, 2008 10:22 am

Is Vista, Virus ???

1. Viruses replicate quickly.
Vista does this.
2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so.
Vista does this.
3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk.
Vista does this.
4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems.
Vista does that too.
5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware.
Same with Vista, yet again.
Maybe Vista really is a virus.

Nope! There is a difference!
Viruses are well supported by their authors, are frequently updated, and tend to become more sophisticated as they mature. So there! Vista is not a virus.
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farmpuma
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Re: Post your jokes here!

Fri Apr 11, 2008 4:11 am

An Ohio senior citizen, 76, drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.

Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

He floored it to 100mph, then 110, then 120.

Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the Trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused. Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with an Ohio State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," replied the Trooper.
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Usacomp2k3
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Re: Post your jokes here!

Fri Apr 11, 2008 4:05 pm

I like that one :-)
 
Captain Ned
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Re: Post your jokes here!

Sat Apr 12, 2008 8:35 am

A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee, while another foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tees. The ladies are taking their time. When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet, and finally hacks it another five feet. She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess all those f---ing lessons I took over the winter didn't help."

One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you have it. You should have taken golf lessons instead!"

He never even had a chance to duck
What we have today is way too much pluribus and not enough unum.
 
morphine
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Re: Post your jokes here!

Sat Apr 12, 2008 9:43 am

LOL
There is a fixed amount of intelligence on the planet, and the population keeps growing :(
 
SpotTheCat
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Re: Post your jokes here!

Wed May 07, 2008 9:01 pm

What's the difference between an English major and a 16" pizza?
the pizza can feed a family of four.
 
Hance
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Re: Post your jokes here!

Fri May 16, 2008 7:51 pm

How do you make Martha Stewart scream twice ?




Suprise her with anal sex and then wipe it clean on the cutains.
 
Hance
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Re: Post your jokes here!

Thu May 29, 2008 8:44 pm

What is the difference between Amy Winehouse and a hockey team ?


A hockey team showers after three periods
 
Captain Ned
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Re: Post your jokes here!

Thu May 29, 2008 9:02 pm

That's an old Dallas Cowboys joke from Jimmy Johnson's first season as coach in 1989. 8)
What we have today is way too much pluribus and not enough unum.
 
JJCDAD
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Re: Post your jokes here!

Thu May 29, 2008 9:14 pm

Why can't Helen Keller drive a car?




Because she's a woman.
 
DrDillyBar
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Re: Post your jokes here!

Thu May 29, 2008 9:21 pm

Apple.
Mainstream Appeal.
uh...
Tatonka.
*fails* :wink:
i7-4790k | Z87-A | 16GB RAM | Radeon RX460 | SSD; 2TB and 2TB | Dell 20"w | Win10
 
Darkmage
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Re: Post your jokes here!

Thu May 29, 2008 10:51 pm

Captain Ned wrote:
That's an old Dallas Cowboys joke from Jimmy Johnson's first season as coach in 1989. 8)

Amy Winehouse was doing the Dallas Cowboys in 1989? The mind boggles.
If there is one thing a remote-controlled, silent and unseeable surveillance/killing machine needs, it’s more whimsy. -- Marcus
 
Jigar
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Re: Post your jokes here!

Tue Jun 03, 2008 2:57 am

Best Break - Off letter



A soldier stationed in Afghanistan recently received a letter from his girlfriend back home.. It read as follows:


Dear Ricky,

I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us.

I'm sorry.

Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

Love, Becky....... .......



*******

The soldier, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow soldiers for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters or ex-girlfriends. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope.... along with this note:


Dear Becky,

I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the hell you are.

Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.

Take Care,

Ricky
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Hoser
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Re: Post your jokes here!

Sat Jun 14, 2008 2:36 pm

Recently, during a routine patrol, a RCMP patrolman parked down the street outside a Legion Hall just off the main Street in Estevan, Saskatchewan. After last call, the officer observed a man leaving the Legion Hall. The gentleman was so intoxicated that he could barely walk. He then stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes and then threw a hook and line out the window and seemed to be trying to catch a fish. A number of other patrons paid no attention to this crazy drunk as they left the bar and drove off. Finally the drunk started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night) flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn, and switched on the headlights. He then pulled in the hook and line and moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left. At last, the parking lot was empty; he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road. The officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over. He performed a breathalyzer test on the gentleman who cooperated fully, and to his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to Headquarters. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken. 'I doubt it,' said the truly proud Saskie, 'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.'
For those that fought for it, freedom has a taste that the protected will never know.
-Unknown Veteran
 
Hance
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Re: Post your jokes here!

Sat Jun 14, 2008 3:10 pm

Jigar2speed5095 wrote:
Best Break - Off letter



A soldier stationed in Afghanistan recently received a letter from his girlfriend back home.. It read as follows:


Dear Ricky,

I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us.

I'm sorry.

Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

Love, Becky....... .......



*******

The soldier, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow soldiers for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters or ex-girlfriends. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope.... along with this note:


Dear Becky,

I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the hell you are.

Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.

Take Care,

Ricky


That joke is probably taken from an episode of M*A*S*H but could be even older than that :lol:
 
CobrA4cS
Gerbil
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Re: Post your jokes here!

Thu Jun 19, 2008 9:12 am

A bloke goes to a zoo, when he gets there it's just one cage and bucket loads of land. in the cage was a dog telling you now it was ****
Last edited by Kevin on Fri Jun 20, 2008 9:49 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: EDIT BY MOD: Removed spam image link.
 
faithhopelove
Gerbil In Training
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Actual Label Instructions

Sun Jun 22, 2008 11:45 pm

1. On a blanket from Taiwan - NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.
2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists - REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.
3. On a Taiwanese shampoo - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.
4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink - AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.
5. On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.
6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)
7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids - LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.
8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles - OPEN OTHER END.
9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins - WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVORITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?
10. On a Sears hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.
11. On a bag of Frito's - YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE. (The shoplifter special?!?)
12. On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP. (And that would be how?)
13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) - DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN. (Too late! You lose!)
14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING. (Are you sure? Let's experiment.)
15. On a Korean kitchen knife - WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN. (Darnit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)
16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY. (As opposed to what?...use in outer space?)
17. On a Japanese food processor - NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE. (Now I'm curious.)
18. On Sainsbury's peanuts - WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS. (Really? Peanuts contain nuts?)
19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS. (I'm glad they cleared that up.)
20. On a Swedish chainsaw - DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS. (What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)
21. On a child's superman costume - WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY. (That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)
22. On some frozen dinners: SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST. ( OK lets eat it frozen!!!)
23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: FITS ONE HEAD.
24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.
25. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine: DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.(Kids no more driving)
26. On Nightly sleep aid: WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS. (Duh!)
 
faithhopelove
Gerbil In Training
Posts: 8
Joined: Sun Jun 22, 2008 11:33 pm

Science Fair

Sun Jun 22, 2008 11:48 pm

A freshman at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to alarmists practicing junk science related to environmental issues. In his project, the young student urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical "dihydrogen monoxide."
And for plenty of good reasons, since it can:

cause excessive sweating and vomiting
it is a major component in acid rain
it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state
accidental inhalation can kill you
it contributes to erosion
it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes
it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients
He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical. Forty-three said yes, six were undecided, and only one knew that dihydrogen monoxide was water.

The title of his prize winning project was, "How Gullible Are We?"
 
faithhopelove
Gerbil In Training
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Software Engineering

Sun Jun 22, 2008 11:53 pm

At a recent computer software engineering course, the participants were given an awkward question to answer:

"If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how many of you would disembark immediately?"

Among the ensuing forest of raised hands only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay aboard. With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.
 
faithhopelove
Gerbil In Training
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Signs Technology Took Over Your Life

Sun Jun 22, 2008 11:57 pm

1. Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write is letterhead.

2. You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.

3. You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can't because there isn't one typewriter in your house, only computers with laser printers.

4. You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget to send your father a birthday card.

5. You disdain people who use low baud rates.

6. When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers, and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers' questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.

7. You use the phrase "digital compression" in a conversation without thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.

8. You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase "digital compression." Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not surprised or disappointed that you don't have to explain it.

9. You know Bill Gates' e-mail address, but you have to look up your own social security number.

10. You stop saying "phone number" and replace it with "voice number," since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.

11. You sign Christmas cards by putting :-) next to your signature.

12. Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than :-).

13. You back up your data every day.

14. You know more about the computer than about all of your friends.

15. You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.

16. On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.

17. The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely enters your mind.

18. You are able to argue persuasively the Ross Perot's phrase "electronic town hall" makes more sense than the term "information superhighway," but you don't because, after all, the man still uses hand-drawn pie charts.

19. You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in advance. But you cannot give someone directions to your house without looking up the street names.

20. You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.

21. You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you something, but you think it's okay for a computer to call and demand that you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more information about the product it is selling.

22. You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a-quarter and three-and-a-half-inch sizes.

23. Al Gore strikes you as an "intriguing" fellow.

24. You own a set of itty-bitty screw-drivers and you actually know where they are.

25. While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries, you compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a nine-year-old.

26. You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to say "I don't know" when someone asks you a technology question instead of feeling compelled to make something up.

27. You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.

28. You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.

29. You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions about which is better, the track ball or the track pad.

30. You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my friend, technology has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good, that you go lie under a tree and write a haiku. And don't use a laptop.

31. You email this message to your friends over the net. You'd never get around to showing it to them in person or reading it to them on the phone. In fact, you have probably never met most of these people face-to-face.

32. You don't even read magazine articles anymore, unless someone's keyed them into e-mail and forwarded it to you.

33. You print the itinerary of your vacation from a scheduler software.

34. You pack the laptop computer first for any trip.

35. While you're away from home, the first three numbers you call are your voicenet, a bulletin board, and one of your e-mail accounts.

36. You are reading this from a screen.
 
SNM
Emperor Gerbilius I
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Re: Signs Technology Took Over Your Life

Mon Jun 23, 2008 12:50 am

Wow. Those are old.
Core i7 920, 3x2GB Corsair DDR3 1600, 80GB X25-M, 1TB WD Caviar Black, MSI X58 Pro-E, Radeon 4890, Cooler Master iGreen 600, Antec P183, opticals
 
edh
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Location: USA

Re: Science Fair

Mon Jun 23, 2008 1:00 am

I remember some 45 years ago threatening my sister that I was going to drink dihydrogen monoxide from an Erlenmeyer flask that I got with my chemistry set. Of course, she screamed for Momma. Then I caught h-e-double-l for tormenting my sister ... c'est la vie.
pc-v600b, ss-860xp, max V gene, 3770k, 4x8gb ddr3 2400, i520 240gb ssd (os/apps), i520 480gb ssd (workspace), 2x3tb wd30efrx (raid-1) & i525 60gb ssd (cache), 2x GV-R795WF3-3GD, 2x u3014, leopold/cherry brown kb, g400, intuos5 pth650, win.7.x64.ult
 
Notaguy
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Re: Science Fair

Mon Jun 23, 2008 1:05 am

:lol: :lol: :lol:
 
Notaguy
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Re: Signs Technology Took Over Your Life

Mon Jun 23, 2008 1:07 am

...but still hilarious!!! :) :lol:
 
Hoser
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Re: Post your jokes here!

Mon Jun 23, 2008 3:50 am

Did you hear about the 14 year old boy who took 2 of his dad's Viagra pills?

He had to be taken to the hospital with 3rd degree burns on both of his hands.


:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
For those that fought for it, freedom has a taste that the protected will never know.
-Unknown Veteran
 
Jigar
Maximum Gerbil
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Re: Post your jokes here!

Mon Jun 23, 2008 4:04 am

Hoser wrote:
Did you hear about the 14 year old boy who took 2 of his dad's Viagra pills?

He had to be taken to the hospital with 3rd degree burns on both of his hands.


:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:


ROFL.... :lol: :lol: :lol:
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monts
Gerbil Jedi
Posts: 1537
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Location: Western Australia (Gods Own Country for those uncertain)

Re: Post your jokes here!

Mon Jun 23, 2008 9:05 am

Jigar2speed5095 wrote:
Hoser wrote:
Did you hear about the 14 year old boy who took 2 of his dad's Viagra pills?

He had to be taken to the hospital with 3rd degree burns on both of his hands.


:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:


ROFL.... :lol: :lol: :lol:

+1
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