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LOL.

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.

Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl
in the world."

Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."

Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the
world."

So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records
to have their claims verified.

Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously happy.
"It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am now officially the
smallest person in the world."

Sometime later, Quasimodo comes out looking utterly confused and says,
"Who the hell is Rosie O'Donnell?"

A woman walks into a grocery store to do some light shopping. She walks through the isles and picks up such items as a personal pan pizza, a quart of milk, and quarter pound each of sliced deli meat and cheese.

When she is finished, she brings her items up to the register and the clerk starts scanning them through. After he scans the last item, he looks at her with a smirk on his face and asks, "I see there is overwhelming evidence towards the fact that you are single."

She giggles and acts coy by asking, "What gave it away?"

He keeps smiling and responds"...cause your ugly."

Fighthouse wrote:

A woman walks into a grocery store to do some light shopping. She walks through the isles and picks up such items as a personal pan pizza, a quart of milk, and quarter pound each of sliced deli meat and cheese.

When she is finished, she brings her items up to the register and the clerk starts scanning them through. After he scans the last item, he looks at her with a smirk on his face and asks, "I see there is overwhelming evidence towards the fact that you are single."

She giggles and acts coy by asking, "What gave it away?"

He keeps smiling and responds"...cause your ugly."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

3 Pieces of string who happen to be brothers are in the mood for a drink when they happen upon a bar. The youngest of the brothers walks in and approached the bar tender. Before he can get a word out, the bartender points to a sign and exclaims, "Sorry buddy, we don't serve no strings in this here bar" and the brother leaves.

Dejected, he tells his brothers of this, and the next eldest promptly walks into the same establishment with swagger. "Hey buddy, why did you --"

The bartender cuts him off again, "We don't serve no strings here!" Not looking for any trouble, the string walks back out the door and tells his brothers of his failure.

The eldest and wisest brother gets an idea. He ties himself in a knot and messes up his hair and walks back into the bar. "3 beers please". The bartender starts to get him his beers as he eyes him up and down slowly... "Hey You, you're not one of those strings are you?"

"No sir, I'm a frayed knot".

wakka wakka wakka!

Not sure if this is the proper thread for this, but here goes anyway. Made me laugh.

JJCDAD wrote:

Not sure if this is the proper thread for this, but here goes anyway. Made me laugh.

definatly a good place for it. thats funny stuff

pete_roth wrote:

3 Pieces of string who happen to be brothers are in the mood for a drink when they happen upon a bar. The youngest of the brothers walks in and approached the bar tender. Before he can get a word out, the bartender points to a sign and exclaims, "Sorry buddy, we don't serve no strings in this here bar" and the brother leaves.

Dejected, he tells his brothers of this, and the next eldest promptly walks into the same establishment with swagger. "Hey buddy, why did you --"

The bartender cuts him off again, "We don't serve no strings here!" Not looking for any trouble, the string walks back out the door and tells his brothers of his failure.

The eldest and wisest brother gets an idea. He ties himself in a knot and messes up his hair and walks back into the bar. "3 beers please". The bartender starts to get him his beers as he eyes him up and down slowly... "Hey You, you're not one of those strings are you?"

"No sir, I'm a frayed knot".

wakka wakka wakka!

Didn't you post this one before?

I remember reading this one in an IT magazine a long time ago:

There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, an American and a French who found this small genie bottle. When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appears. Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the bottle, he said, "Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you a wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the pool of water to become, then your wish will come true." The Frenchman wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted WINE". The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. The Frenchman was so happy swimming and drinking from the pool. Next is the Russian's turn, he did the same and shouted, "VODKA" and immersed himself into a pool of vodka. The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "BEER". He was so contented with his beer pool. This left the American. He was running towards the pool when suddenly he steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted, "SH*T!!!!!!!........."

PerfectCr wrote:

GOD's INBOX (found on reddit)

Hahaha that's a good one. I was looking at the desktop items too, haha, and oh he's using a Mac, I guess I'm not as cool as God haha. Oh I liked that email from richard dawkins hahahah. Or the one from Mary, actually they were all pretty good....

Vrock wrote:

Didn't you post this one before?

Very likely, it's my favorite clean joke! Sorry if I did.

A Rich man and a Poor man are chatting in a bar about the presents they gave their wives for their last birthday. The Rich Man says he gave his wife a Ferrari and a Diamond ring, so that if she didn't like the Ferrari, she could enjoy the Diamond Ring instead.

The Poor Man says he gave his wife a Pair of Slippers and a Dild* for her birthday, so, if she doesn't like the Pair of Slippers, she can go f*** herself!

- edited for PG ratings

NeXus^ wrote:

A Rich man and a Poor man are chatting in a bar about the presents they gave their wives for their last birthday. The Rich Man says he gave his wife a Ferrari and a Diamond ring, so that if she didn't like the Ferrari, she could enjoy the Diamond Ring instead.

The Poor Man says he gave his wife a Pair of Slippers and a Dild* for her birthday, so, if she doesn't like the Pair of Slippers, she can go f*** herself!

- edited for PG ratings

I love it! haha.

Ok here's my contribution it's a military one so bare with me...and Vrock with all you know about the Marines' bluster haha:

A enemy platoon was on patrol when the Commander noticed a lone Marine standing on a hill top in their area. The Commander told two of his men to go take out that man.

They promptly ran as fast as they could toward the Marine. Just before they got to the top, the Marine ran over the other side of the hill. The two men followed. For the next few minutes there were bloody screams and dust flying in the air. Then as quick as it had started, it stopped and the Marine came up on the hill top. He brushed off his cammies, straightened his cover, crossed his arms and stood there looking at the platoon.

The Commander, irate, called for a squad to go get that Marine. They promptly ran as fast as they could toward the Marine. Just before they got to the top, the Marine ran over the other side of the hill. The squad followed. For the next few minutes there were bloody screams and dust flying in the air. Then as quick as it had started, it stopped and the Marine came up on the hill top. He brushed off his cammies, straightened his cover, crossed his arms and stood there looking at the marines.

The Commander was really pissed off now. He ordered the rest of his platoon to attack the Marine. Determined that there was no way ONE Marine could take out the whole platoon, they had blood in their eyes as they ran up the hill. Just before they got to the top, the Marine ran over the other side of the hill. The platoon followed.

For many minutes there were bloody screams and dust flying in the air. It continued and continued. Finally there was one lone enemy soldier crawling back to the Commander, all bloody and beat about the head and shoulders. His uniform was torn, cuts and bullet wounds were all over his body. The Commander asked for an explanation.

The lone soldier, bloody and beaten replied "Sir, run, its a trick. There are TWO of them!!"

I think I heard that one in boot camp or something way back when...

Vrock I'm sure you can appreciate this one got it from about.com of course as with any interservice rivalry jokes you could always interchange the roles but I'm posting it as I found it:

A soldier, a sailor and an airman were sitting together having a beer and they begin to discuss the greatest technological inventions of the modern world.

"It is the laser," said the soldier, an man of obviously superior intellect. "The laser, because with it, you can determine the precise range to an enemy target, you can use it to gather important telemetry information and you can even use it for photography that is almost tri-dimensional."

"No," interjected the sailor, also an intelligent person, but obviously standing in the shadow of the soldier's phenomenal mind. "It is radar. With radar you can track incoming aircraft and missiles, you can determine the speed of the particular vehicles that are approaching your ship and, if you use it right, you can even heat your lunch."

"I disagree," said the airman, a man of, well he's an airman and all airmen are borne out of a diminishing gene pool. "The greatest invention is the thermos."

"The thermos?!!?" exclaimed the other two.

"Yup, a thermos," he said. "I mean, jus' think about it. If you want something hot you put hot stuff in it. If you want cold, you put cold stuff in it."

"Yeah, so?" quizzed the other two.

"Well," said the airman, "How does it know?"

How does it know! LOL.

pete_roth wrote:

Vrock wrote:

Didn't you post this one before?

Very likely, it's my favorite clean joke! Sorry if I did.

No it's no problem, but I swear I heard that one from you before...made me LOL because it's a good joke. Maybe it was on TG.

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he stopped and offered her a lift which she gladly accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on, while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister, but the mind is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek; further up, you will find glory."

Sex In The Dark

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.

Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.

She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.

So
one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator!

Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic.

'You impotent bastard,' She screamed at him, 'how could you be lying to me all of these years?

You better explain yourself!'

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:

'I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids.

kitsura wrote:

A priest was driving along and saw a nun...."

LMAOROFLOL

That one cracked me up, wasn't expecting it to finish like that

Why I fired my secretary...


Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that
morning anyway.
I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy
Birthday," and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say
"Good Morning," let alone any "Happy Birthday."

I thought, "Well, that's wives for you, the children will remember."
The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. When I started to
leave for the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, "Good morning,
boss. Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better; someone had remembered.
I worked until noon.

Then, Janet knocked on my door and said "You know, it's such a
beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day.
Let's go."

We went to lunch.

We didn't go where we normally go; we went out to the country to a
little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch
tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a
beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"

I said, "No, I guess not."

She said, "Let's go to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment
she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom
and slip into something more comfortable."

"Sure," I replied excitedly.

She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out
carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and
dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.

And there I sat... on the couch... naked.

pez-king wrote:

pez-king wrote:

I am blonde and OsakaJ's post offends me. Please remove it. Thanks.

Pfft, I see how it is. I get offended and no one gives a sh*t, But if a mod thinks it isn't funny then suddenly it better be edited because THIS IS A "FAMILY SITE" OMG. Guess what? If your retarded 5 year old can't handle it then maybe he/she shouldn't use the internet at all. These forums have gotten so lame over the past few months with all this sissy ass panzy moderation. I'm gone, **** that sh*t. SA forums, I love you. Please ban my account so I can't come back. (i'm serious)

retarded 5 year olds who cant handle it? looks whos talking buddy. does no one know what the definition of a "joke" is. why do people get so offensive? ive heard the worst stuff about me, my culture, my family, and an endless list of other things. theyre just WORDS man. words arent gunna kill you. or your family. or your dog. they just float away once theyre uttered, entering an ear or two along the way. RELAX!

Cold/Harsh!

EDIT BY MOD - Captain Ned - roont is right; this one's over the line as well.

sirheck wrote:

Cold/Harsh!

EDIT BY MOD - Captain Ned - Downstream cleanup

oh no fair. mines deleted but not this one? hahaha. oh well

EDIT: oh ok i was just too early hahaha.

The Purina Diet

I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my dogs and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog........ Duh!

She asked such a stupid question I thought I'd have a little fun, plus I was feeling a bit crabby, so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time. However, I told her, I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

Her eyes about bugged out of her head. I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her. The lady I was talking to was horrified and she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital.

I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me.

I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.
Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee !!! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

Mike.

Holy crap:
A ) Where did you find a wal mart near chicago!
B ) People are a bit stupid eh?

king_kilr wrote:

Holy crap:
A ) Where did you find a wal mart near chicago!

Um, it's a joke? It never really happened to fishmahn?

king_kilr wrote:

B ) People are a bit stupid eh?

Yes. Yes, they are.

king_kilr wrote:

Holy crap:
A ) Where did you find a wal mart near chicago!
B ) People are a bit stupid eh?

A) Near, not in.
B) Yes, but isnt' this the jokes thread? a co-worker sent me that. If it really happenned to me I'ld have posted in dymt.

Mike.

edit: D'oh! Vrock beat me to it.

fishmahn wrote:

The Purina Diet
<snip>

Mike.

ROFLMAO Thank you, you just made my afternoon, I needed that laugh.

A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "Q's just given me this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

James Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well, it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."

Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at
the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him
into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

There's an Italian, an American, and a Pollock all escaping from prison. during their break, they alert the guards and have to hide in a shed near the prison. The shed contained three barrels aptly named for their contents. Each of the escapees chose their barrell.

The guards and their hounds come crashing into the shed but see nothing, the dogs however let loose that something is amiss. The guard kicks the first barrell , "Ruff Ruff!" the Italian replies.. "Must be a dog, the guard replies". He kicks the next barrell "Meeeeeow!" the American replies. "A cat in this one" replies the guard. He kicks the third barrell "Potatos!".....