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Postposted on Mon Nov 08, 2004 7:38 am

Two guys are out playing golf on day. After a few holes they are stuck waiting behind two women on the next hole.

The first guys sasy "I'll just go up there and ask them if we can play through." and starts to walk towards the women. He gets about halfway there, when he turns around walk back.

Pale in the face he says "I can't go up there. The one woman is my Wife, and the other woman is my Mistress!"

With a chuckle the second guy says "Don't worry about it, I'll go say something." He, too, gets halfway there - then comes quickly back.

He looks at his friend and says "Small world."
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politics

Postposted on Fri Nov 12, 2004 10:06 am

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?" Dad says, "Well, son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The President.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep ****."
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Postposted on Fri Nov 12, 2004 3:58 pm

* I hope the filter changes the swear words*

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.
They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes
around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio
City park.

The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was
visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a Chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions
to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the
other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that
spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the
tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3)

Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
Flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure What
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
Wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get
Me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting **** from
all of the beer...

Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was Unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid,
was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting
to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an
aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead And I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my
lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I **** on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will
eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a
snow cone.

Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am Worried
about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the
4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have
reacted to really hot chili?
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Postposted on Fri Nov 12, 2004 11:59 pm

Excellent FroBozz .. I laughed so hard I had tears in my eyes.
farmpuma
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Postposted on Sat Nov 13, 2004 12:13 am

this pick up line has got me and my friends laid many times.

Me: "hey you got any German in you?"
Girl: "a little."
Me: "Want me to put the rest in ya?"

im sure you can all figure this one out. :D
Fastfreak39: I feel like they should change the phrase "jumping on the band wagon" to "sailing on the pirate ship"
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Postposted on Sat Nov 13, 2004 12:22 am

Philldoe wrote:this pick up line has got me and my friends laid many times...


What girl(s) actually heard that and decided to do anything but run far away? ;)
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emkubed
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Postposted on Sat Nov 13, 2004 1:32 am

saw this funny one at ebaumsworld.com:

A woman goes into Wal-Mart and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it doesn't work. The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special. All of a sudden, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming!

"GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!

The clerk, not knowing what to do, runs to get the store manager. The manager comes up to the Woman and asks, "What's wrong?"

She explains the situation with the toaster.

He tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special. Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming,

"GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!"

In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are saying you that?"

In a huff, the woman says,

"BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY BREASTS GRABBED WHEN I'M GETTING SCREWED!
Science is forbidden. Laboratories manufacture danger!
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Postposted on Sat Nov 13, 2004 1:37 am

The Drunk

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the
morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to
the door where a drunken stranger standing in a pouring down rain is
asking for a push.
"Not a chance" says the husband - "It's three
o'clock in the morning"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was it?" asks his wife.
"Just a drunken stranger asking for a push" he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"NO, I didn't, it's three in the morning and
raining like hell out!"
"Well you've got a short memory" says his wife.
"Can't you remember about
three months ago when we broke down on holiday and
those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him."
The man does as he is told and gets dressed and
goes out into the pounding
rain and calls out into the dark.
"Hello-are you still there?"
"Yes," comes the answer.
"Do you still want a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing" the drunk replies.
Fear causes hesitation, and hesitation will cause your worst fears to come true.
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Postposted on Sat Nov 13, 2004 7:41 am

Terrorism Alert in France

AP and UPI reported that the French Government announced yesterday that it

has raised its terror alert level from "run" to "hide".

The next two higher French alert levels are "surrender" and "collaborate".

The raise was precipitated by a recent fire which destroyed one of France's white flag factories, disabling their military.
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Postposted on Tue Nov 16, 2004 3:46 pm

Subject: Dozing in Catholic School

Dozing in a Catholic school little Grace was not the best student. Usually she slept through her classes. One day the Nun called on her while she was napping and said, "Tell me, Grace, who created the universe?"

When Grace didn't stir, little Johnny, seated in the chair behind her, took a pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty!" shouted Grace, and the Nun said, "Very good".

Soon Grace fell back asleep.

A while later the Nun called on Grace again and asked, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"

But, Grace didn't even stir from her slumber.

Once again, Little Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her with his pencil.

"Jesus Christ!" shouted Grace and the Nun said "Very Good" and Grace sat back down and started to fall back asleep.

Then the Nun asked Grace a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"

This time Grace was just awake enough to hear the question - and she knew what was coming, so she jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

The Nun fainted.
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Postposted on Tue Nov 16, 2004 5:34 pm

Muahahahaa...good one...i can see the nun's face on that one :lol:
Just an old sheepdog waiting for some nasty wolves to show...ive got more than enough teeth left.
LicketySplit
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Postposted on Tue Nov 16, 2004 5:43 pm

Also I saw two nun ride her old ford explorer running so slow on highway. :lol:
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Skyline57GTR
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Postposted on Wed Nov 17, 2004 9:52 am

newbie_of_jan0502 wrote:Terrorism Alert in France

AP and UPI reported that the French Government announced yesterday that it

has raised its terror alert level from "run" to "hide".

The next two higher French alert levels are "surrender" and "collaborate".

The raise was precipitated by a recent fire which destroyed one of France's white flag factories, disabling their military.



heh. some more:

bash.org wrote:<Teratogen> The French Government announced today that it is enforcing a ban on the use of fireworks at Disneyland Paris. The decision comes the day after a nightly fireworks display at the park, located just 30 miles outside of Paris, caused soldiers at a nearby French army garrison to surrender to a group of Czech tourists .


<VodkaV> lol, french tanks have six gears, 5 reverse, and one forward in case they are ever attacked from behind


<vellox> goto Google, type in "French military victories" and click I'm Feeling Lucky
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Postposted on Mon Nov 22, 2004 6:21 am

A Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin and, truth be told, he is none too experienced either. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses.

He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring " My darring " he says, "I know dis yo firs time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - jus anyting you want. Whatchou want ??? " he asks, trying to sound experienced. He hopes this will impress his virgin bride.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsurely, " I want ...... numba 69. "

Now he is caught up in thoughtful silence.

Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks, " You want ... beef wif broccori ??? "
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Postposted on Mon Nov 22, 2004 11:25 am

red0510 wrote:A Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin and, truth be told, he is none too experienced either. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses.

He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring " My darring " he says, "I know dis yo firs time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - jus anyting you want. Whatchou want ??? " he asks, trying to sound experienced. He hopes this will impress his virgin bride.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsurely, " I want ...... numba 69. "

Now he is caught up in thoughtful silence.

Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks, " You want ... beef wif broccori ??? "


No, it's Moo Shu Pork. Get it right. :wink: :wink:
It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them. Ralph Waldo Emerson.
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Postposted on Mon Nov 22, 2004 12:03 pm

Captain Ned wrote:
red0510 wrote:Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks, " You want ... beef wif broccori ??? "


No, it's Moo Shu Pork. Get it right. :wink: :wink:


No no no...it's General Tso's. :D
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Postposted on Tue Nov 23, 2004 11:23 am

Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in. At a news conference announcing the invention, a large group of men took the scientist outside and kicked the **** out of him.
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just brew it!
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Postposted on Tue Nov 23, 2004 4:24 pm

Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress!
Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments.
Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" Surprised by her
boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did.
She said, " Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500."
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested. She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. John quickly
dressed and left.
As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon?"
With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon."
Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?"
In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500."
Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this
afternoon on his way home and pay me back."
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Postposted on Tue Nov 23, 2004 4:36 pm

Q. What do you see when you look down a mole hole?
A. Moleasses
Retired!
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Postposted on Wed Nov 24, 2004 7:44 am

Last night I played a blank tape at full volume, drove the mime next door crazy.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
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Postposted on Thu Dec 09, 2004 3:24 pm

BAPTIST COWGIRL

A cowgirl, who is visiting Texas from Arkansas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. She sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowgirl replies, "Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin. When we all left our home in Arkansas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my sisters and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. She orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When she comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in her eyes and she laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," she explains, "It's just that my husband and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my sisters though."
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Postposted on Thu Dec 09, 2004 3:33 pm

OsakaJ wrote:BAPTIST COWGIRL
...

Already appeared (in slightly different form) on page 4:
viewtopic.php?p=258530#258530
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just brew it!
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Postposted on Tue Dec 14, 2004 11:29 am

Man and his wife have been married 20 years and have 10 kids. One day, something that has been bothering him for years finally comes to the surface. He says to his wife, "our oldest child looks nothing like the other 9. Does he have the same father as the rest of them?" She looks down and says "no." "I knew it!" he shouts, "who is his father??" She starts crying and says "you are."
YOU CAN RUPTURE SOMEONE'S SPLEEN WITH A WATER BALLOON!!!!
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Postposted on Thu Dec 16, 2004 12:07 pm

How do you make a hormone?













Put sand in the Astroglide.
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Postposted on Thu Dec 16, 2004 4:52 pm

Just got this off of Yahoo! News:
Washington DC (AP) - President Bush today announced that he was closing the US Navy Submarine Base in Norfolk, Virginia. When asked why he was closing the $2.3 billion facility, he replied "Those funny lookin' black ships just keep sinkin' anyway."
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Postposted on Thu Dec 16, 2004 6:44 pm

FroBozz_Inc wrote:* I hope the filter changes the swear words*



Frank the chili taster is awesome. For some reason, it seems to have undergone major editorial changes since I first saw it (in 1997). Originally, Frank was the newspaper columnist, so became a judge based on that small bit of presitige and the fact that he was looking for beer.

Also, a lot more fart/diarhea jokes were added, as well as the reference to the 300LB woman and "These Texans are crazy" was "These people", and Sally the barmaid seems less prominent. I wonder who decided to "improve" it?

Edit: As I suspected, the version I read wasn't the original either...the (copyrighted) original text of Frank the Chili Taster can be found here:

http://www.wbrucecameron.com/web/columns/chilijudge.htm
For a moment of night we have a glimpse of ourselves and of our world islanded in its stream of stars—pilgrims of mortality, voyaging between horizons across eternal seas of space and time.
--Henry Beston, The Outermost House
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Postposted on Thu Dec 16, 2004 7:14 pm

It's the only joke I know, so bear with me.



There are two prostitutes primping for work one day. The first one, who's a little new to the profession, asks her colleague, "Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz before?"

To which the other one replies, "No, but I've been dragged around by my tits a couple of times."
Probably PUI. Definitely an كافر
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Postposted on Mon Dec 20, 2004 3:57 pm

LOUISIANA GHOST STORY


This happened about a month ago just outside a little town in the bayou country of Louisiana, and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real.

This guy was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a real dark night in the middle of a thunder storm. Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face.

Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly crept toward him and stopped.

Wanting a ride real bad the guy jumped in the car and closed the door, only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel.

The car slowly started moving and the guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy saw that the car was slowly approaching a sharp curve, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and in the bayou and he would surely drown, when just before the curve, a hand appeared thru the driver's window and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend.

Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran to town.

Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his supernatural experience. A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when they realized the guy was telling the truth and not just some drunk.

About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one says to the other, "Look Boudreaux, ders dat idiot that rode in our car when we wuz pushin it in the rain."
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Postposted on Wed Dec 29, 2004 2:38 pm

The day Microsoft makes a product that doesn't suck is the day they make a vacuum cleaner.
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Buy her a drink

Postposted on Sat Jan 01, 2005 11:47 pm

A large woman wearing a sleeveless sun dress walked into a bar in Clayton, England. She raised her right arm revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!" The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the drunk and asked, "I say, old chap, it's none of my business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her 'the ballerina'"? The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina."
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