Post your jokes here!

Hang out, sip some ice tea, and shoot the breeze with TR regulars.

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Postposted on Mon Jan 03, 2005 8:18 am

I saw this on a t-shirt yesterday:
Some people are like slinkies: Completely useless, but you can't help but laugh at them while they're falling down the stairs.
Darkmage
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Postposted on Mon Jan 03, 2005 9:29 pm

Darkmage. That's horribly cruel.

But very funny and oh so true :-D,
-Mole
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IntelMole
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Postposted on Tue Jan 04, 2005 3:12 pm

Two ranch-hands are fixing a fence when one reaches down and dips his finger in to a cow pie. The other ranch-hand watches in horror as the first wipes the finger across his lips.

"What the hell are you doing?" he askes the first.

"Well, I have chapped lips"

"And putting that on your lips helps?"

"No, but it keeps me from licking my lips."

-----------------------------------------------------------------

An old man and his wife are sitting and rocking on their front porch. The woman looks at her husband and says:

"Penny for your thoughts."

"Well, do you remember when your father caught us in the back of my car?" he asks

"Yes"

"He said that if I didn't marry you, he'd see to it that I did 50 years in prison"

"Yes, I remember"

"Well, I was just thinking that I'd be getting out about now."
Logan5
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Best Headlines Of The Year

Postposted on Tue Jan 04, 2005 6:20 pm

THE YEAR'S BEST (ACTUAL) HEADLINES::


Something Went Wrong
in Jet Crash, Expert Says

[no, really?]

Police Begin Campaign
to Run Down Jaywalkers

[now that's taking things a bit far!]

Is There a Ring of Debris
around Uranus?

[not if I wipe thoroughly!]

Panda Mating Fails;
Veterinarian Takes Over

[what a guy!]

Miners Refuse
to Work
after Death

[no-good-for-nothin' lazy so-and-sos!]

Juvenile Court to
Try Shooting Defendant

[see if that works any better than a fair trial!]

War Dims Hope
for Peace

[I can see where it might have that effect!]

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly,
It May Last Awhile

[you think?!]

Cold Wave Linked
to Temperatures

[who would have thought!]

Enfield (London) Couple
Slain; Police
Suspect Homicide

[they may be on to something!]

Red Tape Holds
Up New Bridges

[you mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!]

Man Struck By Lightning
Faces Battery Charge

[he probably IS the battery charge!]

New Study of Obesity
Looks for Larger
Test Group

[weren't they fat enough?!]

Astronaut Takes
Blame for Gas
in Spacecraft

[That what he gets for eating those beans!]

Kids Make
Nutritious
Snacks

[Taste like chicken!]

Chef Throws His Heart
into Helping Feed Needy

[That was really giving of himself!]

Local High School
Dropouts Cut in Half

[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

Hospitals are Sued
by 7 Foot Doctors

[Boy, are they tall!]


And the winner is....


Typhoon Rips Through
Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

[nuff said!]
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Postposted on Tue Jan 04, 2005 6:57 pm

lol. those are almost as good as the Onion:
[url=http://www.theonion.com/news/index.php?issue=4052&n=1]Archaeological Dig Uncovers
Ancient Race Of Skeleton People[/url]
Work is punishment for failing to procrastinate effectively.
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Illissius
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Postposted on Wed Jan 05, 2005 4:38 pm

fresh from the bash.org oven:
George Bush is visiting the Queen of England.
He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"
"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"
The Queen takes a sip of tea.
"Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle.
The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send The Prime Minister in here, would you?"
Tony Blair walks into the room. "Your Majesty..."
The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Blair answers, "That would be me!"
"Yes! Very good!" says the Queen.
Back at the White House, Bush calls in his vice president, Dick Cheney.
"Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," says the vice president. "Let me get back to you on that one."
Dick Cheney goes to his advisers and asks every one, but none can give him an answer.
Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall.
Dick shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"
Dick Cheney smiles. "Thanks!"
Cheney goes back to the Oval Office and asks to speak with Bush.
"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."
Bush gets up, stomps over to Dick Cheney, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"
Work is punishment for failing to procrastinate effectively.
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Illissius
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For those who hate stupid chain email bullcrap....

Postposted on Mon Jan 10, 2005 8:24 am

Thanks to all my friends who sent me such important emails in 2004! It's so wonderful that you included me in your quest to inform!

1. Because of all of you I stopped drinking Coca-Cola after I foundout from you that it's good for removing toilet stains.

2. I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected with a disease.

3. I smell awful, but thank goodness I stopped using deodorant because you said it causes cancer.

4. I don't leave my car in any parking lot even though I sometimes have to walk about seven blocks, because you said that someone might drug me with a perfume sample and then try to rob me.

5. I also stopped answering the phone because you said that they will ask me to dial a stupid number and then I get a high phone bill with calls to Uganda, Singapore, Tokyo and maybe the Mars Rover

6. I stopped eating chicken and hamburgers because you told me they are nothing more than horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers that are bred in a lab so that places like McDonalds can sell their Big Macs.

7. I also stopped drinking anything out of a can - you said that I will get sick from the rat faeces and urine.

8. When I go to parties, I now don't mix with anybody - you said that someone will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

9. However, the police are also after me at present because you said not to pull over as they could be fake policemen trying to kidnap me.

10. I went bankrupt from bounced checks that I wrote, inanticipation of the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL were supposed to send me when I participated in their special e-mail program. It's weird, though, that my new free cell phone never arrived, and neither did the passes for my paid vacation to Disneyland. (However, I did get the "Mr. Clean magic erasure", so all is not lost!) But I am positive that all this is because of the chain I broke or forgot to follow and I got a curse.

OOPS I ALMOST FORGOT, IMPORTANT NOTE: If you don't send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next ten seconds, a bird will crap on you tonight at 7:00 PM.
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Uncontrolled winking

Postposted on Wed Jan 12, 2005 2:39 pm

A man is interviewing for a spot on his company's public relations staff. His first candidate of the day walks into his office, and they sit down to discuss his resume.

The interviewer looks through the man's resume, asks a few questions, and soon determines that the applicant would be a perfect fit for the job. He has experience, talent and a quick mind.

However, the interviewer can't help but notice that the applicant's right eye keeps winking at him. It's incessant. It must happen twenty times a minute.

"Well," he says,"it certainly seems like you are a good fit for the job. But... uh, how do I say this... why are you winking?"

"I'm not really winking. I have a rare neurological condition where I can't stop the muscles in my right eyelid. I have a proscription for eye drops that allow me to control it."

"That's great!" says the interviewer. "Show me that it works and I think you've got the job."

The applicant stands up and reaches into his pocket and begins pulling out condoms. Dozens of condoms. Pink ones, purple ones, condoms in groups, condoms with funny names, the works. From every pocket in his jacket, slacks and shirt come condoms.

"Good god, man! What are you, some kind of pervert? We can't have a sex fiend working at our company's PR deparment!"

Shocked, the applicant responds "I'm not a pervert! I have a perfectly good explanation for these condoms!"

"What could possibly explain the presence of all of these condoms in your pockets?" the interviewer asks.

"Have you ever walked into a pharmacist and asked for anything while winking the whole time?"
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Postposted on Thu Jan 13, 2005 5:22 pm

eh hehehe.that is great...i applaued(sp?)
Fastfreak39: I feel like they should change the phrase "jumping on the band wagon" to "sailing on the pirate ship"
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Postposted on Mon Jan 24, 2005 1:41 pm

A foreman at a construction site gathers three of his workers: an Irishman, an Italian and a Chinese.

He says to the Irishman, "You're in charge of Sweeping, I want this whole area swept up before I get back".

He says to the Italian, "You're in charge of shoveling. I want that pile shoveled into the truck so they can haul it away."

He says to the Chinaman, "You're in charge of supplies."

"Now make sure that all gets done before I get back."


Three hours later, he returns and none of the work is done. The Irishman says, "I couldnt find a broom. You left the Chinaman in charge of supplies and he disappeared." The Italian says "And I couldn't find a shovel".

So the forman starts walking and looking for the chinaman. Just then, the Chinaman jumps out from behind a pillar and screams "SUPPLIES!!"
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Postposted on Mon Jan 24, 2005 2:32 pm

ROFL Javadog. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
For those that fought for it, freedom has a taste that the protected will never know.
-Unknown Veteran
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Postposted on Mon Jan 24, 2005 4:42 pm

The department of public works in New York City recently had a change of leadership. At the end of the first week, the new director of the department decided to go out into the field to get a good idea of the view from the front lines, as it were.

After looking at the schedule board, he decided to drop in on a crew that was assigned to plant trees along 123rd street. So he hopped in his car, drove over to 123rd street and went looking for his crew.

Sure enough, there were a couple of guys in DPW uniforms a block away, working. He walked over to talk to them, but something odd made him pause. As he watched, the first guy would go to the spot in the sidewalk made for the tree, and he would furiously dig a deep hole. As soon as the hole was perfect, he would move on to the next spot in the sidewalk.

Was was more strange was his partner, who would come up behind him and immediately fill in the hole. The director watched this for a few minutes and then walked up to the two men and asked why they were diggin and filling in holes all day.

"Well," said the first man of the team "Usually I dig the holes, George plants the trees, and Jim here fills in the holes afterwards. George is out sick today, but that doesn't mean that Jim and I shouldn't show up for work."

8)
Darkmage
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Postposted on Wed Jan 26, 2005 4:11 pm

javadog, that would work better with a japanese man, as they speak engrish

Mother, father and young son are visiting the circus. The elephants walk out into the circus ring and the little boy says to his mother, "What's that?"

"That's the elephant's tail," she replies.

"No, under the tail," says the youngster.

The mother is clearly embarrassed and says, "Oh, nothing."

The boy turns to his father and repeats the same question.

His father looks and says, "That's the elephant's penis, son."

"So, why did mum say it was nothing?" asks the boy.

The father draws himself up to his full height and says, "Son, I've spoiled that woman."[/url]
SpotTheCat
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Postposted on Tue Feb 15, 2005 3:39 pm

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts.

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room
together?
100 people who don't do dick..

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and
good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
driving.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade.
Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on
Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the
other?
A speech impediment.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage
along with... "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern
fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this ****..."

Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides
Defend your right to arm bears!
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Postposted on Tue Feb 15, 2005 4:44 pm

a joke is almost always at the expense of someone else so people should just
learn to laugh at themselves.
Tell your sister I said thanks for the all nighter
Immigration_dude
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Postposted on Tue Feb 15, 2005 5:01 pm

Mike Tyson...oh how sad but true. Thats one fella that prospered well in the prison system..im sure he didnt need mace there :wink:
Just an old sheepdog waiting for some nasty wolves to show...ive got more than enough teeth left.
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Postposted on Wed Feb 16, 2005 8:49 am

Immigration_dude wrote:a joke is almost always at the expense of someone else so people should just
learn to laugh at themselves.

Most western humor is just that: laughing at someone else's pain and/or embarassment. The one exception to this that I know off the top of my head is puns. Alas, puns are not exactly looked upon as "quality" humor, for some odd reason. Looking back at all the jokes you know, think of how many are 1) A person being revealed as amazingly stupid, 2) Someone going through excruciating pain, and/or mental distress or 3) Social embarassment.

That said, dissecting humor is much like dissecting a frog. You may learn something, you may not, but both the joke and the frog die in the process.

But, just to take your advice at laughing at yourself to heart, I submit the following:


When I was in college, I did two things that absolutely killed my social life: I majored in Electrical Engineering and joined the ROTC program. Every day was some variant of "Wake up, PT, drill, food, class, food, class, drill, PT, food, study, sleep". As a consequence, I had no time for girls but was in damn good shape. The workload was rough and between studying for tests and the normal pomp & circumstance of the ROTC program, I didn't have much time or experience with the fairer sex.

Thus came my reaction late in my sophomore year when I was walking back to the barracks from the engineering lab late one night. A very drunk sorority girl came pedaling up on her bicycle and slowed down to check me out. This was before my desk job, so I was in fine shape, if I do say so myself. Well, being very drunk, she nearly fell off her bike, (but she managed to dismount) swayed her way over to me and told me that I was "too cute". Staggering slightly, she took off her shirt, hiked up her skirt and slurred "You're hot. You can take whatever you want."

So I took her bicycle. :lol:

Addendum: When I got back to the barracks/dorm, I told my roommate (also an engineer) what had happened. His reply was "Good choice. The shirt wouldn't have fit you." :wink:
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Postposted on Wed Feb 16, 2005 9:35 am

A pillar of strength eh :o Muahahahahaha
Just an old sheepdog waiting for some nasty wolves to show...ive got more than enough teeth left.
LicketySplit
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Postposted on Mon Feb 28, 2005 1:37 pm

Subject: TEXAS BABY





Oh those Texas stories...
A Texan is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar announcing his wife has produced a typical Texas baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Texan just shrugs, "That's about average down home, folks ...like I said, my boy's a typical Texas baby boy."
Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW!" ...one woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say you're the father of that typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks.
So how much does he weigh now?
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled, concerned, and a little suspicious. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"
The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had'm circumcised".
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Postposted on Mon Feb 28, 2005 10:12 pm

I can't believe no one has said this yet.

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender looks at the horse and says, "Hey bub, why the long face?"

You'd be amazed at how funny that is when you've had a few too many drinks.
Post Hoc Ergo Propter Hoc
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Postposted on Tue Mar 01, 2005 2:50 am

BuddhistFish wrote:I can't believe no one has said this yet.

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender looks at the horse and says, "Hey bub, why the long face?"

You'd be amazed at how funny that is when you've had a few too many drinks.


You'd be amazed at how funny everything can be when you've had a few too many drinks. ;)
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Postposted on Tue Mar 01, 2005 7:25 am

An American guy walks into a bar, where there's a genie sitting down next to a really short guy playing the piano. So the guy asks the bartender what's going on.

"That there's a genie, he's a little deaf, but he'll grant you one wish."

Fair enough, the guy thinks, so he has a chat with the genie, and the genie says he'll grant him one wish.

"Well," says the American, "Ah'd like a million bucks"

....

A million ducks fly into the room.

"Whas goin on here?" says the American, to which the bartender replies,

"What, you think I really wanted a ten inch pianist?"
Living proof of John Gabriel's theorem
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Postposted on Tue Mar 01, 2005 10:13 am

"Sardar Jokes" in India are like "Blonde Jokes" in the US.An example:-

A man walking down the street came upon Santa and Banta who are trying to measure an up-right pole with a yard stick.

Along comes this really big, musclebound shmuck and says, "Hey, what are you guys doing?"

Santa and Banta say, "We're trying to measure the height of this pole."

The man wraps his arms around the pole, pulls it out of the ground, lays it down and measures it. Then he picks it up, puts it back in the ground and says, "22 feets," and walks away.

Santa was now quite mad and yelled back, "You idiot we were not trying to see how long it was...I need to know how high it is!

Post comments..if it's good,all send a herd! :wink:
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Postposted on Tue Mar 01, 2005 10:07 pm

An American tourist goes on a trip to China.

While there, he is sexually promiscuous and doesn't use a condom.

A week after arriving home, he finds his penis is covered with bright
green spots. Horrified, he goes to see his doctor.

Days later the doctor calls and says, "I've got bad news. You've
contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare. We know little about it. We
have
to amputate your penis."

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring he'll know
more
about the disease.

The Chinese doctor examines him and proclaims, "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD."

"What can you do?" asks the man. "My American doctor wants to
amputate!"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, "Stupid American doctors
always want to operate. Make more money that way. No need to operate!"

"Oh, thank God!" the man replies.

"Yes!" says the Chinese doctor. "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Dick
fall
off by itself!"
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Postposted on Tue Mar 01, 2005 11:21 pm

I've always liked the joke Dennis Leary's priest told when Comedy Central did that Roast thing for him.

"A Priest, a Pedophile, and a Child Molester walk into a bar....and that''s just the first guy."
Post Hoc Ergo Propter Hoc
BuddhistFish
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Postposted on Fri Mar 04, 2005 1:52 pm

A woman goes into a doctors office, limping slightly.

She gets in the room and patiently waits on the table.
As soon as the doctor enters, he asks her what the problem is.
"It's my knee, Doctor, It's acting up."

The doctor leans down, eye to eye with her knee,
"So, What's a joint like you doing in a nice lady like this?"
JavaDog
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Postposted on Fri Mar 04, 2005 8:14 pm

JavaDog wrote:..."So, What's a joint like you doing in a nice lady like this?"


GROAN!
:lol:
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OsakaJ
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Postposted on Wed Mar 09, 2005 2:57 pm

How to Speak about Women and be Politically Correct

1. She is not a "babe" or a "chick". She is a "Breasted American".
2. She is not a "screamer" or a "moaner". She is "Vocally Appreciative."
3. She is not "easy". She is "Horizontally Accessible".
4. She is not a "dumb blonde". She is a "Light-haired Detour Off the Information Superhighway".
5. She has not "been around". She is a "Previously Enjoyed companion".
6. She is not an "air head". She is "Reality Impaired".
7. She does not get "drunk" or "tipsy". She gets "Chemically Inconvenienced".
8. She does not have "breast implants". She is "Medically Enhanced."
9. She does not "nag" you. She becomes "Verbally Repetitive".
10. She is not a "tramp" - She is "Sexually Extroverted".
11. She does not have "Major League Hooters". She Is "Pectorally Superior".
12. She is not a "two-bit hooker". She is a "Low Cost Provider".

How To Speak About Men and be Politically Correct

1. He does not have a "beer gut". He has developed a "Liquid Grain Storage Facility".
2. He is not a "bad dancer". He is "Overly Caucasian".
3. He does not "get lost all the time". He "investigates alternative destinations".
4. He is not "balding". He is in "Follicle Regression".
5. He is not a "cradle robber". He prefers "generationally differential relationships".
6. He does not get "falling-down drunk". He becomes "Accidentally Horizontal".
7. He does not act like a "total ass". He develops a case of "Rectal-Cranial Inversion".
8. He is not a "Male Chauvinist Pig". He has "Swine Empathy".
9. He is not afraid of "commitment". He is "relationship challenged".
10. He is not "horny". He is "sexually focused".
11. It's not his "crack" you see hanging out of his pants. It's "rear cleavage".
FroBozz_Inc
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Postposted on Wed Mar 09, 2005 3:08 pm

FroBozz_Inc wrote:1. He does not have a "beer gut". He has developed a "Liquid Grain Storage Facility".

LOL
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Illissius
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Postposted on Wed Mar 09, 2005 10:26 pm

Illissius wrote:
FroBozz_Inc wrote:1. He does not have a "beer gut". He has developed a "Liquid Grain Storage Facility".

LOL

I think I'll go store a pint of grain right now... :wink:
(this space intentionally left blank)
just brew it!
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