Post your jokes here!

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Postposted on Thu Mar 10, 2005 3:23 pm

to hell with beer i want some vodka.

EDIT: YAY 300th POST IMA GERBILXP!
Fastfreak39: I feel like they should change the phrase "jumping on the band wagon" to "sailing on the pirate ship"
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Postposted on Thu Mar 10, 2005 3:50 pm

Philldoe wrote:to hell with beer i want some vodka.

EDIT: YAY 300th POST IMA GERBILXP!


Congrats man, you're on your way up. :)

And not to hell with beer, I like beer. And it's dangerous saying that in here with JBI around. He might get angry and use his mighty brewing skills for... brewing. :)
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Postposted on Sat Mar 12, 2005 10:54 am

3 referees were having a beer.

The first ref, a rookie says "I call them like I see them."

The second ref, a 5 year veteran says "I call them like they are."

The third ref, with 35 years experience, says "They are as I call them."
YOU CAN RUPTURE SOMEONE'S SPLEEN WITH A WATER BALLOON!!!!
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Postposted on Mon Mar 14, 2005 10:18 am

StarkMjolk wrote:
Philldoe wrote:to hell with beer i want some vodka.

EDIT: YAY 300th POST IMA GERBILXP!


Congrats man, you're on your way up. :)

And not to hell with beer, I like beer. And it's dangerous saying that in here with JBI around. He might get angry and use his mighty brewing skills for... brewing. :)


Yeah i like beer i just wanted soem vodka at that time.I was raised in a around all my german family so beer is a must.and im very picky about it.
Fastfreak39: I feel like they should change the phrase "jumping on the band wagon" to "sailing on the pirate ship"
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Postposted on Tue Mar 15, 2005 12:24 am

Philldoe wrote:to hell with beer i want some vodka.

EDIT: YAY 300th POST IMA GERBILXP!


Is there a Gerbil 98 then? nah,I'm just being stupid. :roll:
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Postposted on Tue Mar 15, 2005 12:29 am

nah but there is a GerbilXP-64 :roll:
Fastfreak39: I feel like they should change the phrase "jumping on the band wagon" to "sailing on the pirate ship"
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Postposted on Tue Mar 15, 2005 9:29 am

Okay guys, let's try to keep this thread free of the mindless babble that belongs in "dont ya mean type" and the bear discussion that belongs in any number of beer threads (including dymt). Also, there's a thread to discuss rising the post count gerbil ranks. Let's keep this one for jokes.

Kevin
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Postposted on Tue Mar 15, 2005 9:38 am

idchafee wrote:3 referees were having a beer.

The first ref, a rookie says "I call them like I see them."

The second ref, a 5 year veteran says "I call them like they are."

The third ref, with 35 years experience, says "They are as I call them."


*looks up* *WWWWOOOOORRRRRRRRRRR*

Didja hear that? That's your joke going right over my head. :(
I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do, I do not do. But what I hate, I do.
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Postposted on Wed Mar 16, 2005 10:11 am

Give it 35 years, you may understand it then. :wink:
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Postposted on Wed Mar 16, 2005 10:58 am

Little Johnny was sitting in class and the teacher asks him a question:

"4 bird are sitting on a fence, you shoot one, how many is left?"

Little Johnny replies, "None."

Teacher says, "Sorry Johnny, let's try again. "4 bird are sitting on a fence, you shoot one, how many is left?"

Little Johnny replies again, "None."

Teacher is confused and asks "How do you come up with that answer?"

Little Johnny says confident, "4 birds on the fence, you shoot one, one falls dead and the other 3 fly away scared. None."

Teacher says, "that's not the answer I was looking for, but I like the way you think"

Little Johnny stands up and says, "Now I got a question for you teacher! 3 women are in an icecream parlor eating icecream, One is licking her icecream, one is sucking her icecream and one is biting her icecream, which one is married?"

Teacher immediately says, "Well, the one sucking her icecream, of course!"

Little Johnny starts shaking his head, "No, teacher, it's the one with the wedding ring. But I like the way you think! :)"
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Postposted on Wed Mar 16, 2005 12:02 pm

Good one...i had forgotten all about it...thanks.
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Postposted on Thu Mar 17, 2005 2:20 pm

There's an Irish man, English man and a Scots man.

They've just robbed a bank and have hidden out in an old barn when they hear the police pull up outside..

The three of them find some large sacks and get inside them to hide..

The police enter the barn and spot one of the sacks moving, they go over and prod the first sack, "Meeoww" says the Scots man who's hiding inside. "Ahh it's just kittens" says the police officer...

They move along and prod the second sack, "WOOFwoofWOOF" says the English man.. "ahh it's just some puppies" says the officer...

They then move along, prod the third and final sack and the Irish man inside yells out "POTATOES!!"
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Best Toast

Postposted on Thu Mar 17, 2005 2:46 pm

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest
of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best
toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church
beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the
street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize
the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You
know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep,
and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
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Postposted on Thu Mar 17, 2005 3:02 pm

Whats the difference between Micheal jackson and a plastic shopping bag?

Ones white and dangerous for children to play with, the others just a plastic bag.
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two cow isms

Postposted on Sat Mar 19, 2005 1:20 pm

DEMOCRAT-ISM
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICAN-ISM
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALISM
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNISM
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk
the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you can not touch any creatures private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks she's French, other times she's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.

FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.
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Blond Easter

Postposted on Wed Mar 23, 2005 5:03 pm

Three natural blondes died and found themselves standing before St Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter was.


The first blond said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."

St Peter said, "Noooooooo," and he banished her to hell.


The second blond said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts."

St Peter said, "Noooooooo", and he banished her to hell.


The third blond said she knew what Easter is and St Peter said, "So, tell me."

She said, "Easter is a Christian Holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder.

St Peter said, "Verrrrrrrry Good."


Then the blond continued, "Now every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If He sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball."


St Peter fainted.
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Postposted on Thu Mar 24, 2005 7:10 pm

Pfizer Corp. (NYSE: PFE) is making the announcement today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi-Cola (Pepsi Bottling Group NYSE: PBG) as a power beverage suitable for use as-is, or as a mixer, under the name "Mount And Do".

Pepsi's proposed ad campaign suggests, "It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one."
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Postposted on Thu Mar 24, 2005 7:18 pm

Funny: If some guy accidentally gets that and has to deal with a woody all day
Not Funny:If its me who does it :(
Fastfreak39: I feel like they should change the phrase "jumping on the band wagon" to "sailing on the pirate ship"
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Postposted on Thu Mar 24, 2005 9:34 pm

You might not want to read this if you are easily offended.














Two preists were in the shower having just attended a religous convention.

After stepping in one of the priests notices that there was no soap, so the other offers to go and fetch some for the both of them. The other priest agrees to wait.

The priest going to fetch the soap decides not to bother with putting his bathrobe on, as the room that he and his friend were staying in was just down the hall.

Just as he was returning from his room with the soap he heard three nuns turn the corner.

He froze.

The three nuns were walking down the hall admiring the artwork and statues. Eventually they stop in front of the priest.

"Oh look! Its so lifelike!" One of the nuns exclaim as she steps in front of the priest and runs her hand over his body

Her hand eventually ends up inbetween the priests legs.

The priest drops one of the bars of soap in suprise, and it falls to the floor

"Oh look!" one of the nuns exclaims "its a soap dispensor for this bathrom!"

The nuns all 'ooh' and 'aah.'

The second nun tries out this amazing 'soap dispensor' and tugs on the priests knob. He drops the other bar of soap, worried about what would happen if the third nun decided to have a go.

The third nun, not wanting to miss out on this experience, tugged on the priests ding, to no avail. "it looks like its broken!" she exclaimed, as she kept tugging and tugging.

"Oh look! Hand soap!"
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Postposted on Mon Mar 28, 2005 5:48 pm

A minister wakes one Sunday morning to a bright sunny day. He decides to play hooky for a day, and calls his Jr. Pastor to cover services for him as he is very sick.
He then proceeds to get his golf bag and head for the links. The course is beautiful, the sun is shining, and his game is great.

Up in heaven, St. Peter asks God "Aren't you going to do something about this?" God replies, "Wait and see."

As the round of golf continues, the minister is shooting the best game of his life. On the 18th tee, The minister swings... God commands the ball and it bounces off the water, out of a bunker, and right into the cup.

St. Peter is incredulous. "Why are you REWARDING this man for shirking his duty!? I don't understand?!"

God replies "Who's he going to be able to tell about it?"
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Postposted on Mon Mar 28, 2005 9:07 pm

JavaDog wrote:A minister wakes one Sunday morning to a bright sunny day. He decides to play hooky for a day, and calls his Jr. Pastor to cover services for him as he is very sick.
He then proceeds to get his golf bag and head for the links. The course is beautiful, the sun is shining, and his game is great.

Up in heaven, St. Peter asks God "Aren't you going to do something about this?" God replies, "Wait and see."

As the round of golf continues, the minister is shooting the best game of his life. On the 18th tee, The minister swings... God commands the ball and it bounces off the water, out of a bunker, and right into the cup.

St. Peter is incredulous. "Why are you REWARDING this man for shirking his duty!? I don't understand?!"

God replies "Who's he going to be able to tell about it?"


Aaah torture :P
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Postposted on Tue Mar 29, 2005 11:25 am

Where Rock Stars Go When They Die

When Jerry Garcia died, he woke up and found himself on a stage on which a number of instruments were set up. A door offstage opened and in walked Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, Brian Jones, John Lennon, Otis Redding and Buddy Holly.

Each musician picked up his favorite instrument and began tuning up.

Jerry walked up to Jimi and said, "Man, so this is what heaven is like."

Jimi looked at him and said, "Heaven? You think this is heaven?"

At that moment, Karen Carpenter walked in, took her seat behind the drums, and called out, "Okay guys, 'Close to You.' One, two, three, four!"
(this space intentionally left blank)
just brew it!
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Postposted on Wed Mar 30, 2005 2:50 pm

It took me forever to remember this joke...

--------------------

One particularly nasty day, three guys named Brett, Carl and Bob died in a car crash and found themselves in Hell. They were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4", dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone.

The voice of the Devil was heard, "Brett, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Brett was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment.

This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7' tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair, and flies circled her.

The voice of the Devil was heard, "Carl, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Carl, like Brett, was whisked off.

Bob, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of ... Cindy Crawford. Delighted, Bob jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman, barely dressed in a skimpy bikini. Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying:

"Cindy Crawford, you have sinned ........"
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Postposted on Wed Mar 30, 2005 11:33 pm

Darkmage wrote:It took me forever to remember this joke...

--------------------

One particularly nasty day, three guys named Brett, Carl and Bob died in a car crash and found themselves in Hell. They were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4", dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone.

The voice of the Devil was heard, "Brett, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Brett was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment.

This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7' tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair, and flies circled her.

The voice of the Devil was heard, "Carl, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Carl, like Brett, was whisked off.

Bob, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of ... Cindy Crawford. Delighted, Bob jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman, barely dressed in a skimpy bikini. Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying:

"Cindy Crawford, you have sinned ........"



LOFL!! i love that."save to- C:/Documents and Settings/Philldoe's Documents/Funnys" :lol:
Fastfreak39: I feel like they should change the phrase "jumping on the band wagon" to "sailing on the pirate ship"
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WORDS WOMEN USE

Postposted on Wed Apr 13, 2005 2:43 am

WORDS WOMEN USE
*************************************

FINE

This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

FIVE MINUTES

If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

NOTHING

This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"

GO AHEAD

This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

LOUD SIGH

This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

THAT'S OKAY

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

THANKS

A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.
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Postposted on Thu Apr 14, 2005 8:38 pm

Player Hater wrote:
lethal wrote:A man was driving home when he gets trapped in a trafic jam. The man parked his car and asked a nearby driver about what was going on. The other driver replies:
"Some terrorist have kidnapped President Bush and they are requesting 5 million dollars or they'll burn the president"
"We are currently making a collect"
The men ask: "how much have you collected?"
"50 galons of diesel, 32 liters of gasoline, ten matchboxes, fifteen liters of kerosene..."


Can you tell an American didn't write that joke? :D
Still kinda funny though.
If only terrorists went after the president. Then no one would be against them.


lol
If I realy cared I would ask
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Postposted on Sat Apr 23, 2005 11:37 am

this is from a friends Blog:

I don't know how hip hop got such a bad rep
I don't know where these people groups get the idea that all these rap artists are bad role models. For instance

50 cent, his latest song is about the candy shop he says, "I take you to the candy shop I'll let you lick the lollypop" which is really nice. What kid doesn't like candy and the parents love it cause it teaches kids to share! Another line: "I melt in your mouth girl, not in your hands (ha ha)" which is a clever play off of the M&M slogan. No wonder this song is blowing up!

X-zibit, he hasn't done much with his music, but he is giving back to society! His show Pimp My Ride has done wonders for those who can't afford a nice car. Modern day Mother Theresa? I think so.

Nelly, the chorus to his song 'flap your wings' says this "Drop down and get your eagle on, girl (flap your wings)". BRILLIANT! Not only does it have strong patriotic undertones [the eagle is our country's mascot] but it also is telling someone that even though they're down that they need to get up and try again. What an encourager.

Sir-Mix-Alot, his infamous song 'Baby Got Back' is just shy of amazing. The way society views being grotesquely skinny as beautiful has been one of the main contributing factors to many of the eating disorders in young teen girls today. This song alone has been a catalyst to counteract the societal views of beauty. There have been number spin offs from this such as 'back that thang up' or the 'thong song' which is just a testament to it's greatness. Way to get the word out with your music!

Snoop Dogg, he's just brilliant. A guy that can make up his own language on the spot is something for english/grammar teachers to envy.
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Postposted on Mon Apr 25, 2005 12:30 am

Jeff Foxworthy on Indiana

If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 18 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by, you might live in Indiana.

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March, you might live in Indiana.

If you instinctively walk like a penguin for five months out of the year, you might live in Indiana.

If someone in a store offers you assistance & they don't work there, you might live in Indiana.

If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, you might live in Indiana.

If you have ever worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you might live in Indiana.

If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might live in Indiana.

If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in Indiana.


YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TRUE Indianan WHEN:

1. Vacation means going north or south on I-65 for the weekend.

2. You measure distance in hours.

3. You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.

4. You often switch from heat to AC in the same day and back again.

5. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.

6. You see people wearing camouflage at social events including weddings.

7. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

8. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.

9. You design your kids Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

10. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.

11. You know all 5 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, road construction, & It's Hot.

12. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce.

13. Down south means Kentucky to you.

14. A brat is something you eat.

15. Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new pole shed.

16. You go out to a tailgate party every Friday.

17. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.

18. You find 0 degrees a "little chilly".
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Postposted on Sat Apr 30, 2005 2:11 am

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her cheeks. Her praying roused him from his slumber.

He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "Becky my darling" he whispered.

"Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."

He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess."

There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "Everything's all right, go to sleep."

"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

I know, sweetheart," whispered Becky, "let the poison work."
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Location: Soybean field, IN, USA, Earth .. just a bit south of John .. err .... Fart Wayne, Indiana

Postposted on Fri May 06, 2005 6:01 pm

The Four Cats

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, and the fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat.

"T-square, do your stuff."

T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said,

"Spreadsheet, do your stuff."

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies...Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said,

"Measure, do your stuff."

Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop onto the floor.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?"

The Government Employee called his cat and said,

"Coffee Break, do your stuff."

Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, took a dump on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation, and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.
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