Post your jokes here!

Hang out, sip some ice tea, and shoot the breeze with TR regulars.

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Re: Science Fair

Postposted on Mon Jun 23, 2008 1:00 am

I remember some 45 years ago threatening my sister that I was going to drink dihydrogen monoxide from an Erlenmeyer flask that I got with my chemistry set. Of course, she screamed for Momma. Then I caught h-e-double-l for tormenting my sister ... c'est la vie.
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Re: Science Fair

Postposted on Mon Jun 23, 2008 1:05 am

:lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: Signs Technology Took Over Your Life

Postposted on Mon Jun 23, 2008 1:07 am

...but still hilarious!!! :) :lol:
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Re: Post your jokes here!

Postposted on Mon Jun 23, 2008 3:50 am

Did you hear about the 14 year old boy who took 2 of his dad's Viagra pills?

He had to be taken to the hospital with 3rd degree burns on both of his hands.


:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: Post your jokes here!

Postposted on Mon Jun 23, 2008 4:04 am

Hoser wrote:Did you hear about the 14 year old boy who took 2 of his dad's Viagra pills?

He had to be taken to the hospital with 3rd degree burns on both of his hands.


:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:


ROFL.... :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: Post your jokes here!

Postposted on Mon Jun 23, 2008 9:05 am

Jigar2speed5095 wrote:
Hoser wrote:Did you hear about the 14 year old boy who took 2 of his dad's Viagra pills?

He had to be taken to the hospital with 3rd degree burns on both of his hands.


:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:


ROFL.... :lol: :lol: :lol:

+1
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Re: Post your jokes here!

Postposted on Mon Jun 23, 2008 9:14 am

Hahahah... that was a good one :lol:
There is a fixed amount of intelligence on the planet, and the population keeps growing :(
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Re: Post your jokes here!

Postposted on Tue Jul 08, 2008 8:14 pm

(apologies for any translation errors)
-----

One night, three college studentes drank the night hours away and didn't do any studying for their exam the following day.

On the next morning, they came up with a plan to get them off the hook. They soiled themselves the worst they could with ash, sand and garbage. Then they went to the course's headmaster and told him that they had been to a wedding the night before and when driving back, one of the tires blew and they had no spare. So they had to push the car all the way back and were in no proper condition to take that exam.

The headmaster, being a fair person, told them that they would have a substitution exam in three days, and that they had absolutely no excuse for missing that one. They said it would not be a problem and that they would be ready. So after three days, they reported in for the exam.

The headmaster said that it was a special exam with special conditions, and that each of them would have to take it in separate rooms. The three of them, given the fact that they had studied long and hard, thought they were ready and immediately agreed with the headmaster. The exam had 5 questions, totaling 20 points.

1. Please state your name (0.5 points)
2. What are the names of the bride and groom from the wedding that you attended four days ago? (5 points)
3. What kind of car were you driving? (5 points)
4. Who was driving? (2.5 points)
5. Which of the 4 tires blew? (5 points)
6. Which brand was the tire? (2 points)
There is a fixed amount of intelligence on the planet, and the population keeps growing :(
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Re: Post your jokes here!

Postposted on Thu Aug 28, 2008 1:25 pm

Breaking news!

All of the Wal-Marts across Alabama sold out of ammunition as of yesterday.

A reliable source said that one of the purchasers commented that while Russia may have invaded Georgia, they sure as heck ain't doin' it to Alabama.

:lol:
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Re:

Postposted on Thu Aug 28, 2008 11:45 pm

VTNC wrote:This guy is at work, when he gets the feeling that he's gotta go. So he goes to the bathroom, carefully picks a stall and starts to go about his business. He suddenly hears a voice from the stall next door saying "Hi! How are you doing?" He thinks it's kind of strange, but responds out of politeness. "I'm fine". Then the guy next door asks "What are you doing right now?". Again, out of politeness the guy says "I think... the same as you?" Then the voice asks "Can I go over there?" Trying not to be rude or offensive he answers "No, I don't think so... I'm kinda busy right now". So the voice finally says "Look, I'm going to have to call you back, there's some idiot sitting next door and eveytime I say something he answers it."


"posted on Tue Jun 01, 2004 7:14 pm"

The sad part is, this one used to be funny! :o
He who laughs last, laughs first next time.
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Re: Post your jokes here!

Postposted on Thu Aug 28, 2008 11:48 pm

Usacomp2k3 wrote:Breaking news!

All of the Wal-Marts across Alabama sold out of ammunition as of yesterday.

A reliable source said that one of the purchasers commented that while Russia may have invaded Georgia, they sure as heck ain't doin' it to Alabama.

:lol:


NICE. 8)
He who laughs last, laughs first next time.
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Re: Post your jokes here!

Postposted on Fri Sep 05, 2008 11:10 pm

Not sure if something like this has been posted but here's my first attempt on this thread:

At a rare time when two drinking buddies were sober:
Buddy 1: I had a nightmare last night. And it was about a drinking spree where I drank 24 cans of beer then had the worst hangover in years.
Buddy 2: Aw, that's just a dream.
Buddy 1: Actually I got the scare of my life when I woke up and went to the toilet, then threw up afterwards.
Buddy 2: What? 24 dreamy cans of beer make you throw up?
Buddy 1: I threw up when I saw the toilet bowl was empty.

Not sure though if content of toilet bowl equals 24 cans of beer.
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Re: Post your jokes here!

Postposted on Tue Sep 09, 2008 3:35 pm

this may be an old one...

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED: Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
"Experience is not what happens to you; it's what you do with what happens to you."
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Re: Post your jokes here!

Postposted on Thu Sep 11, 2008 8:25 am

karz wrote:Not sure if something like this has been posted but here's my first attempt on this thread:

At a rare time when two drinking buddies were sober:
Buddy 1: I had a nightmare last night. And it was about a drinking spree where I drank 24 cans of beer then had the worst hangover in years.
Buddy 2: Aw, that's just a dream.
Buddy 1: Actually I got the scare of my life when I woke up and went to the toilet, then threw up afterwards.
Buddy 2: What? 24 dreamy cans of beer make you throw up?
Buddy 1: I threw up when I saw the toilet bowl was empty.

Not sure though if content of toilet bowl equals 24 cans of beer.


sorry i must be retarded, but i dont really understand this joke? the toilet was empty? what does that mean?
"...and she says, 'That's not my expansion slot.' So my friend says, 'That's not my gold plated 22-pin connector!! Ah-hahahaHA!"
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Re: Post your jokes here!

Postposted on Thu Sep 11, 2008 9:19 am

roont wrote:
karz wrote:Not sure if something like this has been posted but here's my first attempt on this thread:

At a rare time when two drinking buddies were sober:
Buddy 1: I had a nightmare last night. And it was about a drinking spree where I drank 24 cans of beer then had the worst hangover in years.
Buddy 2: Aw, that's just a dream.
Buddy 1: Actually I got the scare of my life when I woke up and went to the toilet, then threw up afterwards.
Buddy 2: What? 24 dreamy cans of beer make you throw up?
Buddy 1: I threw up when I saw the toilet bowl was empty.

Not sure though if content of toilet bowl equals 24 cans of beer.


sorry i must be retarded, but i dont really understand this joke? the toilet was empty? what does that mean?


Buddy 1 came to the realization that he must have drunk the toilet water.
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Re: Post your jokes here!

Postposted on Fri Sep 12, 2008 6:19 am

roont wrote: sorry i must be retarded, but i dont really understand this joke? the toilet was empty? what does that mean?


Definitely not retarded. Perhaps you have not yet experienced embracing the toilet bowl when practically dead drunk.

I'm just not good at my first attempt. Will try to improve next time. Kampai!
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Re: Post your jokes here!

Postposted on Fri Sep 12, 2008 12:55 pm

Politically correct statements about women:

She's not premenstrual, she's just calendar sensitive.

She's not a bad cook, she's just microwave incompatible.

She's not an easy chick, she's just horizontally adaptable.

She's not an ignorant fool, she's just a verbal terminator.

She's not cold and frigid, she's just thermally unadjusted.
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Re: Post your jokes here!

Postposted on Fri Sep 12, 2008 3:15 pm

This one works best if you've got a thespian in the family to tell it:

Some young punk is short on beer money again, and decides to get rich the old fashioned way: he'll rob a house. So he cases out an upper-class section of town where there's sure to be some things worth taking, and finds a mark when he sees some yuppie couple loading up the BMW with a couple overnight bags. They'll probably be gone a day or two, and that's just perfect.

Late that night, he comes back and the place is deserted, so it's time to make the move. He sneaks around the back side of the darkened house, tests one of the windows, and finds it unlocked. Too easy! The window slides up with hardly a sound and just like that, he's inside. He pauses for a couple minutes and listens, but no alarms come on, and there aren't any sounds of movement. He takes two steps forward when a low, sinister voice fills the air:

"I see you...and the saint sees you." He freezes. Did that just...?

"I see you...and the saint sees you."

He tries to sound tough. "Who's there? Don't get funny or I'll cut you."

Pause. Then, same voice again: "I see you...and the saint sees you."

His voice isn't quite steady. "Wh..who's there? Show yourself, buddy!" He clicks on his flashlight and shines it around, trying to locate the speaker.

"I see you...and the saint sees you." He's just about to turn tail on the whole affair when his flashlight beam catches an avian perch and a fat old parrot sitting thereon. "I see you...and the saint sees you," the parrot intones.

The guy snickers. "Yeah...I'll bet you do and I'll bet he does. Which saint, ya stupid bird? Saint Matthew? Saint Nicholas? Saint--" At that point, the beam of his flashlight drops slightly, and his mockery is cut short by the sight of the biggest brown and white dog he has ever seen in his life.

"RRRAAWWK! Sic 'em, saint!"
He who laughs last, laughs first next time.
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Re: Post your jokes here!

Postposted on Sun Nov 23, 2008 8:02 pm

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Detroit Lions. The
only thing that was missing was a topnotch quarterback to lead the team.

Then, one night while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with an incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away. KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
KA-BLOOEY!

Then, he threw another at a passing car going ninety miles an hour.
BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" the coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm for a quarterback!"

So, he travels to Afghanistan, finds the young man, brings him to the States, and teaches him the great game of professional football, the way it is played in the U.S.And, the Detroit Lions win the Super Bowl on the strength of the young man's abilities. The young Afghan is hailed as a great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom" he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says. "You deserted us. You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses for a moment, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Detroit!"
YOU CAN RUPTURE SOMEONE'S SPLEEN WITH A WATER BALLOON!!!!
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Re: Post your jokes here!

Postposted on Sun Nov 23, 2008 8:52 pm

A TRUE IRISH GHOST STORY

This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door, only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!!

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand repeatedly came through the window,but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road,so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had. A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and....wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...'Look Paddy...there's that freakin' idiot that got in the car while we were pushin' it.' !!!!

Came in today's crop of e-mail.
Life is hard; but it's harder if you're stupid. Big Al.
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Re: Post your jokes here!

Postposted on Sun Nov 23, 2008 10:03 pm

Tis a foreign joke. I'll try my best to translate.

A guy catches fire. He is sent to the hospital and is treated for broken bones. Shovels were used to calm the flame.
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Re: Post your jokes here!

Postposted on Mon Nov 24, 2008 7:12 pm

BoBzeBuilder wrote:Tis a foreign joke. I'll try my best to translate.

A guy catches fire. He is sent to the hospital and is treated for broken bones. Shovels were used to calm the flame.

Not funny unless it comes in the form of Itchy & Scratchy :wink:
He who laughs last, laughs first next time.
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Re: Post your jokes here!

Postposted on Mon Nov 24, 2008 9:16 pm

idchafee wrote:The coach had put together the perfect team for the Detroit Lions....


This happened on a flight ready to depart for Detroit .

Jack was sitting when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck: pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear. "What's the matter?" Jack asked.

"I've been transferred to Detroit , there's crazy people there. They have a lot of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate."

Jack replied, "I've lived in Detroit all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business and enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world."

The guy finally relaxed and said, "Thank you. I've been worried to death, but if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. By the way, what do you do for a living?"

"Me?" said Jack. "I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."
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Re: Post your jokes here!

Postposted on Wed Dec 03, 2008 7:57 am

Did you hear?

* Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
He's all right now.

* Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing?
He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.

* How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.

* How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.

* What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.

* What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor?
A pachydermatologist

* Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.

* What is a zebra?
26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.

* What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

* What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.

* Where do you find a no legged dog?
Right where you left him.

* Where do you get virgin wool from?
Ugly sheep.

* Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
They all have phones.

* Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
They're trying to get away from the noise.

* What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A pool table.

* What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
Sanka.
... what kind of lettuce? Iceberg.
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Re: Post your jokes here!

Postposted on Wed Dec 03, 2008 9:34 am

Small boy was sent to pick up his father from bar. After coming to bar he says to his father:
"Mom said you have to come home with me for dinner". Of curse father is enjoying his time with
friends and refuses to go. After listening to his son moaning for few minutes, father takes
a shot glass, pours a vodka and says to his son: "Drink it". Son refuses says he's only 12 and
they told him not to drink alcohol. Father then says: "If I tell you to drink it, you can do it".
So kid downs the drink and he evidently doesn't like it. Father asks him: "Did you like it?"
Son replays: "No", and then father says: "Go and tell your mother that I'm not sitting
here for pleasure"
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Re: Post your jokes here!

Postposted on Thu Mar 05, 2009 10:19 am

(better spoken then read)
what do you call a fish with no eyes?
fshhhh

whats brown and sticky?
a stick
"...and she says, 'That's not my expansion slot.' So my friend says, 'That's not my gold plated 22-pin connector!! Ah-hahahaHA!"
roont
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Re: Post your jokes here!

Postposted on Sat Apr 04, 2009 5:58 am

There are 10^11 stars in the galaxy. That used to be a huge number. But it's only a hundred billion. It's less than the national deficit! We used to call them astronomical numbers. Now we should call them economical numbers.
- Richard Feynman
The best things in life are free.
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Guy 1: Surely, you will fold with me.
Guy 2: Alright, but don't call me Shirley.
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Re: Post your jokes here!

Postposted on Sat Apr 04, 2009 1:45 pm

What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
Do you smell carrot too?

What do you call 4 Spanish bullfighters in quicksand?
Cuatro Cinco
For those that fought for it, freedom has a taste that the protected will never know.
-Unknown Veteran
Hoser
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Re: Post your jokes here!

Postposted on Sat Apr 04, 2009 7:10 pm

roont wrote:(better spoken then read)
what do you call a fish with no eyes?
fshhhh

doesn't matter, it's not going to come anyway

roont wrote:whats brown and sticky?
a stick

poop
I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do, I do not do. But what I hate, I do.
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Re: Post your jokes here!

Postposted on Thu May 07, 2009 3:21 pm

An old man in Florida had owned a large farm for years.
He had a large pond in the back. He had fixed up nicely with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange trees. The pond was ideal for swimming, although he rarely did that anymore.

One evening he decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket with which to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or to make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Moral: Old men can still think fast.
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