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Re: Post your jokes here!

Posted: Fri Sep 30, 2011 3:56 pm
by roont
Two elderly friends are out on the golf course. Joe takes his time, lines up his shot, and drives the ball really well, landing on the green. Bob gets up to the tee, put his ball down, lines up and is about to swing when, on the road adjacent the golf course, a hearse drives by. Bob stops what he's doing, takes off his hat, and stands solemnly until the hearse passes. Joe says, "That's mighty noble of you there, Bob." and Bob says, "Eh, it's the least I can do for the wife."

Re: Post your jokes here!

Posted: Fri Sep 30, 2011 4:27 pm
by just brew it!
@roont - I assume you meant "first guy" in the punch line of the drinking joke? :lol:

Sadly, the best joke I've heard in the past week was an event IRL: "So... you guys have been too busy these past few weeks to interview enough people to find someone to fill your opening? Guess you don't really need anyone then. The opening is going away." :roll:

Straight out of Dilbert.

Re: Post your jokes here!

Posted: Fri Sep 30, 2011 4:33 pm
by Captain Ned
just brew it! wrote:
Straight out of Dilbert.

PHB delenda est.

Re: Post your jokes here!

Posted: Fri Sep 30, 2011 7:55 pm
by ludi
just brew it! wrote:
@roont - I assume you meant "first guy" in the punch line of the drinking joke? :lol:

Sadly, the best joke I've heard in the past week was an event IRL: "So... you guys have been too busy these past few weeks to interview enough people to find someone to fill your opening? Guess you don't really need anyone then. The opening is going away." :roll:

Straight out of Dilbert.

Probably a good thing I don't work there. First thing I would do is photochop the words into a speech bubble over Pointy Haired Boss and email it right back.

Re: Post your jokes here!

Posted: Fri Sep 30, 2011 8:57 pm
by just brew it!
It wasn't an e-mail, it was announced at our weekly all-hands staff meeting!

In the past, I've posted eerily relevant Dilbert strips -- no Photoshop needed! -- on the door of the fridge in the break area. My office mate gets blamed, since he's the one with the Dilbert desk calendar! :lol:

Re: Post your jokes here!

Posted: Thu Oct 27, 2011 12:43 am
by MrBojangles
quick Halloween joke


why don't witches ware panties??


... because they need to be able to grip the broom...... :)

Re: Post your jokes here!

Posted: Thu Oct 27, 2011 1:30 am
by simracer
Lawyer joke:

Q: What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?

A: One's an evil, bottom-dwelling scum-sucker...

...and the other is a fish. :D

Re: Post your jokes here!

Posted: Thu Oct 27, 2011 2:08 am
by simracer
Blond joke:

This stunning blond is driving just a little too fast to be legal one day...when she see's the flashing lights of a patrol-motorcycle coming up fast in her rear view mirror. "Oh no! The police!"

So she pulls over to the side of the road and fixes her makeup carefully as she watches the officers boots getting larger and larger in her left side mirror...then turns and flashes her lashes, and gives a dazzling smile to the helmeted officer...

...only to see the helmet come off. OH God NO! It's another blond! And a blond woman to boot!

"License and registration please," says the patrol-woman in a very even tone.

The driver is flustered, as her trump card--being a stunning blond--has just been thrown right back in her face...so she's stammering as she's frantically searching her purse....

"License and...and...regi-what?

"Registration." The officer waits a moment, a smirk on her face and then says: "Here's a little hint--Your registration isn't going to be in your purse. It's going to be over there" and she points. "In your glove box."

The red-faced blond opens the glove box and digs through it for a moment before finding something that looks official enough that it just might be...YES! She turns with triumph to the officer and presents the document: "Is this it?"

"Yes. That's your registration. Congratulations," says the officer, in a voice literally dripping with sarcasm.
"And now if you can just find your driver's license, we can begin writing you up for this little speeding violation."

The blond's face again turns increasingly red as she digs further and further through the glove box...then it dawns on her she should be looking back inside her purse....

She looks up at the officer for encouragement and the officer nods: "Yes, your license will be in your purse...".

After a couple more minutes of this the officer offers another hint: "Your driver's license has your picture on it."

The lady is really flustered now, but then sees something that rings a bell--"I'm looking for something with my picture on it"...

...so she pulls out her compact, which sports a mirror...flips it open and almost gasps in relief! She then hands it to the officer--"Is THIS what I should be looking for," she says pleadingly...hopefully?

The officer looks down into the compact for a moment, then suddenly frowns...

...closes it with an angry SNAP, and tosses it back:

"Aw, HELL," she says as she turns away with an angry flip of her own blond mane. "If I'd known you were a COP, I'd never have pulled you over in the first place!"

:-P

Re: Post your jokes here!

Posted: Thu Oct 27, 2011 10:17 am
by ALiLPinkMonster
So a bulldozer drives into a bar... Except it's not a bar. It's AMD's marketing department.

Re: Post your jokes here!

Posted: Sun Dec 11, 2011 3:11 am
by MrBojangles
"iT'S 3AM I'M DRUNK AS **** (yes i finished the rum) ....And i'm jaming to music ....yuo shoukd be here BROoooopooooo !!! :)"

Not so much a joke but a text i sent to my roomie yesterday.

Re: Post your jokes here!

Posted: Thu Dec 29, 2011 8:08 am
by glacius555
From Amazon UK discussions:

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.'

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.'

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He nearly killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can wrap his penis around himself twice and then stick it in his ear....!"

Re: Post your jokes here!

Posted: Tue Jan 08, 2013 2:50 am
by MrBojangles
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the **** out of a ghost."

Re: Post your jokes here!

Posted: Sat Feb 23, 2013 2:56 pm
by farmpuma
ludi wrote:
Hoser wrote:
Sorry Damo...there's no way in hell I'm reading a joke that long.

I think the joke is on you if you read all the way through it.


Nope, the loss is yours if you didn't read it all the way through. I found it to be an engaging and enjoyable tale. It slowly suspended disbelief and had me completely by the end. And now I want to read chapter two.

Re: Post your jokes here!

Posted: Sat Feb 23, 2013 5:16 pm
by henfactor
farmpuma wrote:
ludi wrote:
Hoser wrote:
Sorry Damo...there's no way in hell I'm reading a joke that long.

I think the joke is on you if you read all the way through it.


Nope, the loss is yours if you didn't read it all the way through. I found it to be an engaging and enjoyable tale. It slowly suspended disbelief and had me completely by the end. And now I want to read chapter two.


Ditto- That was great, did you write that yourself Damo?

Re: Post your jokes here!

Posted: Mon Jan 12, 2015 7:31 pm
by OsakaJ
My kid told me this one.
It is so cold that all across America...

Ganstas have been seen pulling up their pants,

Re: Post your jokes here!

Posted: Mon Jan 12, 2015 7:37 pm
by chuckula
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel coming out of his pants.

The bartender goes: "Hey, do you know you've got a steering wheel coming out of your pants?"

The pirate goes: "Yarr... It's drivin' me nuts!"