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Captain Ned
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Re: Post your jokes here!

Wed May 13, 2009 4:48 pm

Not so much of a joke; just something I heard from a TV poker commentator while skimming through the channels:

"He's playing looser than a cheerleader in a slasher movie".
What we have today is way too much pluribus and not enough unum.
 
Richie_G
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Re: Post your jokes here!

Wed May 13, 2009 6:05 pm

A 7ft man goes to his local swimming pool for a job as a lifeguard. The first question they ask him is: "Can you swim?" He reluctantly admits: "I can't. But I can wade out pretty far."

---

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs, floating in the sea?

Bob.

---

A man goes to the doctor and says: "Doctor, I've got a lettuce stuck up my arse!". The doctor takes a look and says: "I'm sorry sir, but this is just the tip of the iceberg."

---

An old lady called Doris in her eighties wants to spice up her sex life with her husband Burt. She buys a bag of sex toys and crotchless knickers. Back home she spreads herself out on the bed and says to Burt, "You want some of this?" Burt says: "Not if that's what it's done to your knickers."
"Give a man a fire and he's warm for the day. But set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life."
 
Hdfisise
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Re: Post your jokes here!

Mon Jun 08, 2009 1:49 pm

Captain Kidd and his crew were on the high seas when they were attacked by Blackbeard, their arch enemy.


The first shot by Blackbeard's gunners took off Kidd's forward mast. The second shot splintered the center mast, and the third desintegrated the rear mast.


Panic stricken, one of Kidd's men asked what they should do.


"We have no choice but to surrender", replied the pirate, "He's using weapons of mast destruction!"
 
Scorpiuscat
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Re: Post your jokes here!

Mon Jun 08, 2009 1:59 pm

A blind guy walks into a department store, picks up his seeing eye dog and starts swiging him around.

A Lady that works at the strore promtply asks the guy what he thinks he is doing.

The guy repsonds "Just looking around"

MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...... :lol: :lol:
All civilizations become either spacefaring or extinct - Carl Sagan
 
roont
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Re: Post your jokes here!

Mon Jun 08, 2009 2:36 pm

Captain Ned wrote:
Not so much of a joke; just something I heard from a TV poker commentator while skimming through the channels:

"He's playing looser than a cheerleader in a slasher movie".


Id heard a golf commentator say (maybe inappropriatly) when a ball went in the water:

"OH! that ball hit the drink like nick nolty!"
"...and she says, 'That's not my expansion slot.' So my friend says, 'That's not my gold plated 22-pin connector!! Ah-hahahaHA!"
 
ludi
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Re: Post your jokes here!

Mon Jun 08, 2009 6:28 pm

I hope these aren't duplicates....

What do you call a man cut off at the knees?
Neil.

What do you call a woman cut off at one knee?
Ilene.

What do you call a guy who can operate anything?
Manuel.

Virginia, what did Delaware?
I don't know. Alaska.

Okay, so what did Delware?
Maine-ly, A brand New Jersey.
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Captain Ned
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Re: Post your jokes here!

Mon Jun 08, 2009 7:14 pm

ludi wrote:
What do you call a guy who can operate anything?

Manuel.

¿Qué?

[/hopes]
What we have today is way too much pluribus and not enough unum.
 
morphine
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Re: Post your jokes here!

Mon Jun 08, 2009 8:14 pm

Captain Ned wrote:
ludi wrote:
What do you call a guy who can operate anything?

Manuel.

¿Qué?

[/hopes]

Recently, there was a street poll in the US about illegal immigration. The people were asked "do you think illegal immigration is a serious problem?"

- 40% said "Yes, I think it's a serious problem!"
- 60% said "No, no es un problema serioso!"
There is a fixed amount of intelligence on the planet, and the population keeps growing :(
 
Captain Ned
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Re: Post your jokes here!

Mon Jun 08, 2009 8:18 pm

I wasn't thinking in quite such R&P terms, but much more in English comedy terms.
What we have today is way too much pluribus and not enough unum.
 
Jigar
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Re: Post your jokes here!

Mon Aug 17, 2009 3:00 pm

In the Computer Science Dept. at King’s College, University of London they built this super computer with artificial intelligence that could carry on a conversation with anyone at their relative intelligence level.
All one had to do was type in their IQ and the computer, through its' voice activated-sound generating processor, would begin the conversation.
So they thought they would test it out on several of the King’s faculty.
The first faculty member typed in his IQ at 187 and a bunch of lights on the computer began flashing, then it began a conversation with the scientist on the origins of the universe, mathematical proof of the existence of black holes, and existential philosophy.
The second faculty member then typed in an IQ of 179 and again lights lit up on the computer (not quite as many as the first faculty member, but...) and it began a conversation with the scientist about molecular biology, brain surgery and international monetary policy.
When they tested it on the third faculty member, his finger slipped at the keyboard and typed in 73 instead of 173. Not much happened -- just one little light, it the upper right hand of the computer display, slowly dimmed then grew stronger, then dimmed... Finally the computer said....
"So, how's the Harley running'?" :lol:
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Jigar
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Re: Post your jokes here!

Mon Aug 17, 2009 3:03 pm

A man dies & appears at The Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?. Have you exhibited courage?", St. Peter asks.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offers.
"Once I came upon a group of Bikers who were bothering a young woman.
I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
So I approached the largest and meanest looking one.
I smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground, and told him, 'Now get out of here."
St. Peter was visibly impressed. "When did this happen?"
"Just a few minutes ago."
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Jigar
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Re: Post your jokes here!

Mon Aug 17, 2009 3:07 pm

A man walks into a bar, he takes a seat at the bar and growls: "Bartender! Get me a drink!" The bartender obliges, and the man scarfs down the drink. Slamming the glass down on the bar, he growls:
"Bartender! Get me another!" The bartender pours him another drink. After a few more rounds, the bartender attempts some conversation:
"Sir, he says, it seems that you're visibly upset. What's the problem?" The man looks at him and snorts:
"I just went home and caught my ol' lady screwing my best friend!"
"Oh man," says the bartender, that's rough... "What did you do?" The man says:
"Well, I grabbed her by the hair, threw her out nekkid, threw her clothes out after her, and told her never EVER to come back."
"Wow," says the bartender in awe: "That's tough man, what did you do to your friend?"
"Well," says the man, "I marched right back upstairs, I grabbed HIM by the scruff of the neck, and I said: BAD DOG."
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Jigar
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Re: Post your jokes here!

Mon Aug 17, 2009 3:28 pm

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy."Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no" he replies.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him." she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that" she says "there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies toilet". :x :lol: :lol: :lol:
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ludi
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Re: Post your jokes here!

Mon Aug 17, 2009 3:29 pm

A man is due for some extensive oral surgery. He sits back in the chair, closes his eyes, begins humming and tapping his fingers slowly, then exhales slowly. "Okay Doc," he says. "I'm ready. Start the procedure. Don't mind me if I continue humming or maybe chant a little bit."

The oral surgeon looks at him funny. "Sir, we haven't applied the topical anesthetics and IV drip yet."

"Don't want 'em," the man says. "Start grinding away."

"That will hurt worse than giving birth. You need the drugs."

"Nope. I've been practicing for this. I'm ready."

"Ready for what?"

"I'm going to transcend dental medication."
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Jigar
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Re: Post your jokes here!

Mon Aug 17, 2009 5:17 pm

Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, when Jack asks his wife, “Betty, have you ever cheated on me?”
Betty replies, “Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don’t want to ask that question.”
“Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please.”
“Well, all right. Yes, three times…”
“Three?!? Well, when were they?” he asked.
“Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years-old and you really wanted to start a business on your own, and no bank would give you a loan? But, then one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?”
“Oh, Betty, you did that for me? I guess I can’t be too upset about that. Well, when was number 2?”
“Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and needed that very risky operation that no surgeon was willing to perform? And, remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to perform the surgery himself?”
“Betty, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life. To do such a thing, you must truly love me darling. How can I be upset with that?”
“So, all right then, when was number 3?”
“Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 375 votes short?”
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Jigar
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Re: Post your jokes here!

Mon Aug 17, 2009 5:19 pm

A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Her nine-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, so she puts him in the closet and shuts the door. Her husband also comes home, so she puts her lover in the closet, with the little boy.
The little boy says, “Dark in here.”
The man says, “Yes, it is.”
Boy: “I have a baseball.”
Man: “That’s nice.”
Boy: “Want to buy it.”
Man: “No, thanks.”
Boy: “My dad’s outside.”
Man: “OK, how much?”
Boy: “$25.00”
The next few weeks find the boy and her mother’s lover in the closet together.
Boy: “Dark in here.”
Man: “Yes, it is.”
Boy: “I have a baseball mitt.”
The lover remembering the last time asks the boy, “How much?”
Boy: “$75.00”
Man: “Fine.”
A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove. Let’s go outside and toss the baseball back and forth.” The boy says, “I can’t, I sold them.”
The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”
Boy: “$100.00”
The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that, that is way more than those two things cost. I’m taking you to church and making you confess.”
They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth, then closes the door.
The boy says, “Dark in here.”
The priest says, “Don’t start that **** again.” :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Jigar
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Re: Post your jokes here!

Mon Aug 17, 2009 5:21 pm

A married couple is driving down the interstate at 55 mph with the husband behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, “Honey, I know we’ve been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce.”
The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.
She then says, “I don’t want you to try to talk me out of it, because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and he’s a better lover than you.” Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels.
She says, “I want the house.” Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.
She says, “I want the kids too.” The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he’s up to 80 mph.
She says, “I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too.”
The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, “Is there anything you want?”
The husband says, “No, I’ve got everything I need right here.“
She asks, “What’s that?”
The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, “I’ve got the airbag.” :lol:
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Jigar
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Re: Post your jokes here!

Mon Aug 17, 2009 5:30 pm

We hark back to the time when the great love story of Tarzan and Jane began. Like all great success stories, the beginning of this story was well, not so good. Here's the uncensored version of what happenned .....

Jane chanced upon tarzan while lost in the jungle. The first look at Tarzan's great body (almost naked but for a little foliage) and Tarzan's Package was enough to make Jane fall in love (or was it lust? That remains a question for the ages). Anyway, Jane and Tarzan got talking and after long conversations about innocent stuff, the talk inevitably turned to sex. Broaching the Topic, Jane asked Tarzan " How do you satisfy your urges, since there are no women in the jungle" (perhaps she suspected some bestiality on part of Tarzan).

Our hero, the innocent Tarzan pointed at a hole in a tree trunk and then pointed at his unmentionables and said, " Tarzan put this in that".
Jane was completely full of pity for the poor guy and shrieked, "Oh poor Tarzan, that's not the place to do it!". And after a brief moment of hesitation, she took off all the clothes and lay down on the groun. Then she pointed to Tarzan where the correct orifice was and said, " Go on, put it in here".

Tarzan's Natural Instints took over and he threw of all his clothes and advanced towards Jane excitedly. Suddenly, without notice, he delivered a mighty kick to the exact spot where Jane had pointed!

Jane was shrieking in pain for the next hour. When she finally recovered, she asked Tarzan, "Why the F*** did you do that?"

Tarzan replied, "Tarzan check for bees first"! :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Jigar
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Re: Post your jokes here!

Mon Aug 17, 2009 6:03 pm

Dear Robert, I hope you can help me. Not long ago I was on my way to work, while my husband, like usual, stayed at home. After I drove for about 5 kilometers, my engine broke down. I walked back home, to ask my husband for help. When I arrived, I couldn't believe what I saw: He was in our sleeping-room with our neighbor's daughter! I'm 35, my husband is 36 and the neighbor's daughter is 18! We are married for 10 years now. When I took him to task, he admitted they had an affair for the for the last six months. I told him, I'd leave him if he didn't stop meeting her. He lost his job six months ago und says, he feels useless and depressed since. I really love him, but since I issued the ultimatum, he seems to withdraw from me even more. He declines marriage counseling and my desperate attempts to talk, don't reach him anymore. Please give me some advice, Stefanie -------------------------------------

Dear Stefanie, if an engine trips after only 5 kilometers, it can have a couple of reasons. First be sure to have a clear and proper fuel pipe. Check the function of the fuel injectors and the fuses, which position is explained in the user manual. If all this is in order, probably the fuel pump is gone, thus leading to a lack of fuel at the injectors, which cannot establish enough pressure to work. Hope this was of good help for you, Robert -- :wink:
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Darkmage
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Re: Post your jokes here!

Mon Aug 17, 2009 10:26 pm

That's some good stuff, Jigar. Thanks!
If there is one thing a remote-controlled, silent and unseeable surveillance/killing machine needs, it’s more whimsy. -- Marcus
 
grantmeaname
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Re: Post your jokes here!

Thu Aug 20, 2009 10:43 pm

There's a bloody three way car crash one Christmas Eve. Each car has but one man in it, but all three are gruesomely killed.

Up in heaven, St. Peter's feeling merciful. He tells the three men that although each one of them was a sinner, if they can show that they carried the spirit of Christmas with them.

After thinking for a while, the first man stands up. He pulls a fair amount of foliage out of his torso, telling Peter it's boughs of Holly and Mistletoe, and that like the plant life of the earth he's welcoming Jesus into the world. St. Peter sighs, thinks to himself that they're awfully lucky it's Christmas, and lets him in.

The second man stands up a little later (the third man is starting to look increasingly troubled), and pulls a pair of car keys out of his upper arm. Shaking them a little, he says that he is ringing in Christ's joy with some Jingle Bells. St. Peter tells him that's even more of a stretch than the last guy, but that it is Christmas Eve. He lets him in.

The last man looks at Peter, his frown replaced with a cocky grin. He pulls a pair of panty hose out of his pocket.

"We seem to have a misunderstanding," Peter starts.

"No sir. These, these are Carol's."
Krogoth wrote:
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titan
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Re: Post your jokes here!

Fri Feb 12, 2010 10:38 pm

#904636 +(329)- [X]
<jman2050> I'm not a fan of the software direction Sony is taking with the PS3
<jman2050> but the console itself is good
<Davidion> I swear they're just chock full of bad business decisions as of late
* Shinobi_Arsenal ([email protected]) has joined #GA
<Davidion> even when they take a good step forward they can't but help to take one back
<Shinobi_Arsenal> can only be talking about sony
<Davidion> rofl
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Guy 2: Alright, but don't call me Shirley.
 
MrBojangles
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Re: Post your jokes here!

Thu Mar 04, 2010 3:55 am

Old married couples joke i heard along time ago.

A man's walking home from work when he see's a guy sitting on street corner with a box full of frogs.
"What's the frogs for."
"I'm selling them only $50 a piece."
"Why would anyone pay $50 just for a frog."
"Well you see the thing is i've personally trained these frogs to give the worlds greatest Bj."
"Hmmmmm "

Latter on that day the mans wife comes home and finds there kitchen is a complete mess, and she see's here husband standing there with a frog both of them covered in flour.
"What the hell happened in here!"
"Ohh i bought this frog on the way home today."
"Why would you buy a frog."
"Well it gives a really good Bj."
"Ok that's just weird and a little sick, but still doesn't explained what happened in here."
"Well now if i can just teach it to make biscuits and gravy your a$$ is out of here."
Amd Phenom 2 560(unlocked to 4 cores at 3.8ghz),xfx Radeon 6870 (ty again tr ^^ ),Cooler master haf case, 4gb of drr3 1600 ram, win7 ultimate 64bit
 
Jigar
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Re: Post your jokes here!

Thu Mar 04, 2010 8:05 am

MrBojangles wrote:

"Well now if i can just teach it to make biscuits and gravy your a$$ is out of here."


:lol: :lol: :lol:
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MrBojangles
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Re: Post your jokes here!

Mon Mar 08, 2010 7:53 pm

2 white guys and black guy are out on a camping trip.There all siting around the campfire playing cards when all of the sudden the devil comes bursting out of the flames.
"I have come to collect your souls but i'll give each of you just one chance for salvation. If you can place your ***** in my hand with out it melting i will spare your soul and even grant you a wish."
The two white men stare at each other terrified, the black man sits there calmly seemingly unafraid.Till finally one of the white guys jumps up.
"All right let's get this over with."
He walks over to the devil unzips his pants and places his ***** in the devils hand.It instantly melts ,the man bursts into flames then vanishes.After a few minutes the second whit guy jumps up, deciding he can't stand the wait anymore marches over to the devil and places his ***** in his hand.It melts then he to bursts into flames then vanishes.The devil looks at the black guy.
"That just leaves you, are you ready to go to hell."
"Not just yet" he replies. The man walks over to the devil, looks him straight in the eye with a smile, then places his ***** in his hand.
"How are your doing this!!!!That's impossible it should be melting!!!""
Once again the man looks the devil in the eye with a smile. "Haven't you heard? Chocolate melts in your mouth not in your hands."
Amd Phenom 2 560(unlocked to 4 cores at 3.8ghz),xfx Radeon 6870 (ty again tr ^^ ),Cooler master haf case, 4gb of drr3 1600 ram, win7 ultimate 64bit
 
derFunkenstein
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Re: Post your jokes here!

Mon Mar 29, 2010 9:28 am

Did you hear about the drummer that finished high school? Yeah, me either.

Q: How do you know if the riser is level?
A: When the drummer's drool comes out both sides of his mouth.

Q: How many Drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A1: Three. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the throne.
A2: None. They have a machine that does that now.
A3: Whats a light bulb?

Q: How can you tell a drummer's at the door?
A: The knocking speeds up.
I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.
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Darkmage
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Re: Post your jokes here!

Mon Mar 29, 2010 10:51 pm

Hah! Good stuff. To add to the mix:

What do you do with a guy who's too dumb to be a drummer?
Take away one of his sticks and make him the conductor.
If there is one thing a remote-controlled, silent and unseeable surveillance/killing machine needs, it’s more whimsy. -- Marcus
 
grantmeaname
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Re: Post your jokes here!

Tue Mar 30, 2010 10:57 am

What do you call a person who hangs out with musicians? A roadie?

Nope, a drummer.
Krogoth wrote:
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Hoser
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Re: Post your jokes here!

Tue Mar 30, 2010 9:39 pm

Mary: Any idea what you're getting for your birthday?
Sue: Roses from Bob...that's a given.
Mary: What's wrong with that?
Sue: Well he always has "expectations" after giving me flowers and I don't feel like spending the next 3 days on my back with my legs in the air!
Mary: Don't you own a vase?
For those that fought for it, freedom has a taste that the protected will never know.
-Unknown Veteran
 
Philldoe
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Re: Post your jokes here!

Tue Mar 30, 2010 10:59 pm

Hoser wrote:
Mary: Any idea what you're getting for your birthday?
Sue: Roses from Bob...that's a given.
Mary: What's wrong with that?
Sue: Well he always has "expectations" after giving me flowers and I don't feel like spending the next 3 days on my back with my legs in the air!
Mary: Don't you own a vase?


That's a classic.
Fastfreak39: I feel like they should change the phrase "jumping on the band wagon" to "sailing on the pirate ship"

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