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[Now with updates based upon feedback!]
So now that Disney has bought out LucasFilm and obtained the rights to Star Wars, they have announced that they're going to make Episode 7. Naturally, there is some speculation as to who should direct the next Star Wars movie now that Lucas has relinquished control. So what would different directors do with the Star Wars franchise?
Michael Bay – Episode 7 will follow a nervous 19 year-old social outcast as he dodges explosions and teams up with the explosive Jedi Knights by being nearby when their ship crash lands (and then explodes). He is smitten with one of the young female Jedi, who will have an amazing midriff and little clothing. After a long vehicle chase sequence that begins with an exploding building and ends with the pursuers exploding, the Jedi engage in a explosive battle where the protagonist has to run through past exploding buildings and exploding Imperial AT-AT Walkers who suddenly have testicles. And explosions.
Tim Burton – Episode 7 is ultimately very beautiful but with not not much of a point. Johnny Depp plays a resurrected Darth Vader with kinked hair who wanders through the film looking surprised at things. Helena Bonham Carter co-stars. Score by Danny Elfman.
Josh Whedon – Episode 7 tells the story of a rag-tag group of misfits who initially don’t like each other, but must pull together to crack jokes and defeat the Sith Mastermind (played by Alan Tudyk). Chewbacca, a fan favorite, will die suddenly. Every Jedi is female and unstoppable.
Spike Lee – Two young lovers – she’s a Jedi, he’s a smuggler – have to overcome the prejudices of their respective families and the oppression of the Jedi Order to keep their love alive. Set against the backdrop of the Deth Stick addiction epidemic.
Kevin Smith – Two jedi working in the lower levels of Coruscant work in a walk-in dispute resolution shop where they talk and analyze past events in the Star Wars universe. One is constantly complaining that he wasn't supposed to be on this planet while the other makes a surprisingly good case for the Empire and Sith Order. C3PO and R2D2 spend the entire movie standing just outside the shop, where 3PO is much more vulgar and hits on female droids. R2 speaks English for about sixty seconds to give a good piece of insight in the third act. This is the first Star Wars movie to earn an R rating for language and drug references.
Quentin Tarantino – In a film heavily influenced by Westerns and interspersed with flashbacks and set to 70s pop music, Uma Thurman stars and is barefoot for most of the movie. Although it is billed as an action movie, there really is only about 10 minutes of actual combat and climaxes with a tense standoff between four characters. Tarantino has a bit part where he gives a five minute monologue and dies by a lightsaber to the groin.
Clint Eastwood – Jordan Stargard is just an old, retired Jedi Knight who spends his days tending his garden, polishing his land speeder and muttering about those droids who are making his neighborhood go down the toilet. When the droids go too far, Jordan is forced to pick up his lightsaber once again and teach those whippersnappers how things were done in a more civilized age. While squinting. The supporting character gets the main character's landspeeder.
Peter Jackson – Episode 7 is set entirely in the forests of Yavin 4 and through a plot contrivance, the characters (a group of humans, Ewoks, droids and a gruff Wookie) will have to walk across great distances to the ancient temple. Along the way, they will run from a 30’ rancor rendered exquisitely by WETA Workshops.
John Woo - Episode 7 consists of a series of loosely connected action scenes and revolves around the Jedi trying to save a newly introduced race of alien who look suspiciously like skittish white doves. The movie is 40% longer than any other Star Wars film due to the abundance of slow-motion shots of Jedi swinging dual lightsabers whilst diving through the air.
Oliver Stone - A young recruit in the Rebellion faces a moral crisis when he realizes that the victory by the Rebellion over the Empire was accomplished by a conspiracy at the highest levels of the Jedi Order. The bromance of Han Solo and Chewbacca will be portrayed as having homosexual overtones.
J.J. Abrams - An ensemble cast, with a bit part by Greg Grunberg, will be stranded on a backwards planet. They will spend a good deal of the movie attempting to open a mysterious Jedi datacron that will unlock the keys to their salvation. This movie introduces time travel to the Star Wars universe and reveals several coincidental (or are they?) relationships between the characters. Every lightsaber slash will set off dozens of lens flares.
Christopher Nolan - Episode 7 will introduce massive, detailed alien worlds so bleak that even light saber glows are desaturated. In it, we will follow the story of a troubled Jedi and his idealistic padawan as they investigate reports of corruption and Sith. By the end of the movie, the padawan will become disillusioned at the realities of Jedi operations and the camera will do three full laps around him as he comes to the realization that his master dabbles in the Dark Side. He may be the director Star Wars deserves, but not the one it needs right now.
Wachowski Brothers - A raucous group of action heroes, wielding groundbreaking special effects, will make Episode VII the best thing ever filmed. Episodes VIII and IX will get lost in philosophical twists nobody wanted to deal with in a theater, and the fans will slink away in disgust, marveling at how expertly they done got trolled.
Uwe Boll – The movie opens and tanks immediately as nobody attends. Months later, fans of the Star Wars universe stream it on Netflix and feel dirty about it afterwards.
Last edited by Darkmage
on Mon Nov 19, 2012 12:30 pm, edited 5 times in total.
If there is one thing a remote-controlled, silent and unseeable surveillance/killing machine needs, it’s more whimsy. -- Marcus