Post your jokes here!

[Jigar]

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her shopping trips. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local supermarket.

Dear Mrs. Samuel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a foetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

[FireGryphon]

I thought "confusion" was twenty lesbians in a particle accelerator.

Huh?

See! It worked!

If you think of a word that ryhmes with "runt" and fusion, it might come to you.

But you might have to wait till it reaches clitical mass.

I still have no idea idea what you're talking about. Explain?

[Captain Ned]

Only through PMs, please.

[Captain Ned]

A decent looking gentleman walked into an agent’s office in Hollywood and said “I want to be a movie star.” Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.

The agent asked, “What’s your name?”

The guy said, “My name is Penis Van Lesbian.”

The agent said, “Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name.”

“I will NOT change my name! The Van Lesbian name is centuries old and I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever.”

The agent said, “Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years. You will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis Van Lesbian! I’m telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you.”

“So be it! I guess we will not do business together” the guy said and he left the agent’s office.

FIVE YEARS LATER…… The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awestruck. Who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed…

Dear Sir,

Five years ago I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood and you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis Van Lesbian. After I left your office I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation. Thank you for your advice.

Sincerely,
Dick Van Dyke

[MrBojangles]

Man walks into a bar and walks up to the bartender.He ask's for a lite and the bartender pulls out a huge foot long lighter.

the man "Woah were did you get that huge lighter."
bartender "O there's a leprachon down at the end of the bar.He's granting everyone just one wish."
The man walks down to the leprachon "so i heard you were granting wishes."
Leperchaun "That's right but ye only get one"
The man "Well i want a million bucks, every year for the rest of my life"
Leperchan "It is done enjoy"
The man looks around but doesn't see any money. suddenly his phone rings it's his wife"Honey you need to get home now, there are dear every were out side our home.1000's of them i don't know what to do!"
The man storms back over to the bartender "What the hell, did you know the leperchaun was twisting around the wishes?"

Bartender "Of course i did.Do you really think i asked for a 12" BIC"

[FroBozz_Inc]

I was in a restaurant tonight when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me...

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

[roont]

lair.... that was FANTASTIC. I loved that one. Did you write that yourself? Mind you it took me all day to read in short snippets at work, but man oh man did I enjoy it. I liked it just as much for the story as for the punch line. Fantastic! If you got more like that, keep em coming.

[roont]

Three guys are sitting around, all drinking coffee, holding their heads discussing how drunk they got last night. The first guy says, "I was so drunk last night, I got home, blew chunks right on the front lawn, stumbled inside and passed out in the hallway with the door wide open."
The second guy says, "Oh yah? I was so drunk last night, I left the bar, got in my car and I only made it a block before I wrapped the car around a tree. I'm lucky to be alive!"
The third guy says, "Pfff! That's nothing. I got so drunk last night that when I got home I got in an argument with my wife, knocked over a candle and burned the house down. No one was hurt but my wife left me, and I now have nothing left to my name."
The second guy nods in sympathy, and the first guy says, "No, no, you guys don't understand. Chunks is my dog."

[roont]

Two elderly friends are out on the golf course. Joe takes his time, lines up his shot, and drives the ball really well, landing on the green. Bob gets up to the tee, put his ball down, lines up and is about to swing when, on the road adjacent the golf course, a hearse drives by. Bob stops what he's doing, takes off his hat, and stands solemnly until the hearse passes. Joe says, "That's mighty noble of you there, Bob." and Bob says, "Eh, it's the least I can do for the wife."

[just brew it!]

@roont - I assume you meant "first guy" in the punch line of the drinking joke?

Sadly, the best joke I've heard in the past week was an event IRL: "So... you guys have been too busy these past few weeks to interview enough people to find someone to fill your opening? Guess you don't really need anyone then. The opening is going away."

Straight out of Dilbert.

[Captain Ned]

Straight out of Dilbert.

PHB delenda est.

[ludi]

@roont - I assume you meant "first guy" in the punch line of the drinking joke?

Sadly, the best joke I've heard in the past week was an event IRL: "So... you guys have been too busy these past few weeks to interview enough people to find someone to fill your opening? Guess you don't really need anyone then. The opening is going away."

Straight out of Dilbert.

Probably a good thing I don't work there. First thing I would do is photochop the words into a speech bubble over Pointy Haired Boss and email it right back.

[just brew it!]

It wasn't an e-mail, it was announced at our weekly all-hands staff meeting!

In the past, I've posted eerily relevant Dilbert strips -- no Photoshop needed! -- on the door of the fridge in the break area. My office mate gets blamed, since he's the one with the Dilbert desk calendar!

[MrBojangles]

quick Halloween joke


why don't witches ware panties??


... because they need to be able to grip the broom......

[simracer]

Lawyer joke:

Q: What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?

A: One's an evil, bottom-dwelling scum-sucker...

...and the other is a fish.

[simracer]

Blond joke:

This stunning blond is driving just a little too fast to be legal one day...when she see's the flashing lights of a patrol-motorcycle coming up fast in her rear view mirror. "Oh no! The police!"

So she pulls over to the side of the road and fixes her makeup carefully as she watches the officers boots getting larger and larger in her left side mirror...then turns and flashes her lashes, and gives a dazzling smile to the helmeted officer...

...only to see the helmet come off. OH God NO! It's another blond! And a blond woman to boot!

"License and registration please," says the patrol-woman in a very even tone.

The driver is flustered, as her trump card--being a stunning blond--has just been thrown right back in her face...so she's stammering as she's frantically searching her purse....

"License and...and...regi-what?

"Registration." The officer waits a moment, a smirk on her face and then says: "Here's a little hint--Your registration isn't going to be in your purse. It's going to be over there" and she points. "In your glove box."

The red-faced blond opens the glove box and digs through it for a moment before finding something that looks official enough that it just might be...YES! She turns with triumph to the officer and presents the document: "Is this it?"

"Yes. That's your registration. Congratulations," says the officer, in a voice literally dripping with sarcasm.
"And now if you can just find your driver's license, we can begin writing you up for this little speeding violation."

The blond's face again turns increasingly red as she digs further and further through the glove box...then it dawns on her she should be looking back inside her purse....

She looks up at the officer for encouragement and the officer nods: "Yes, your license will be in your purse...".

After a couple more minutes of this the officer offers another hint: "Your driver's license has your picture on it."

The lady is really flustered now, but then sees something that rings a bell--"I'm looking for something with my picture on it"...

...so she pulls out her compact, which sports a mirror...flips it open and almost gasps in relief! She then hands it to the officer--"Is THIS what I should be looking for," she says pleadingly...hopefully?

The officer looks down into the compact for a moment, then suddenly frowns...

...closes it with an angry SNAP, and tosses it back:

"Aw, HELL," she says as she turns away with an angry flip of her own blond mane. "If I'd known you were a COP, I'd never have pulled you over in the first place!"

[ALiLPinkMonster]

So a bulldozer drives into a bar... Except it's not a bar. It's AMD's marketing department.

[MrBojangles]

"iT'S 3AM I'M DRUNK AS **** (yes i finished the rum) ....And i'm jaming to music ....yuo shoukd be here BROoooopooooo !!! "

Not so much a joke but a text i sent to my roomie yesterday.

[glacius555]

From Amazon UK discussions:

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.'

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.'

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He nearly killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can wrap his penis around himself twice and then stick it in his ear....!"

[MrBojangles]

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the **** out of a ghost."

[farmpuma]

Sorry Damo...there's no way in hell I'm reading a joke that long.

I think the joke is on you if you read all the way through it.

Nope, the loss is yours if you didn't read it all the way through. I found it to be an engaging and enjoyable tale. It slowly suspended disbelief and had me completely by the end. And now I want to read chapter two.

[henfactor]

Sorry Damo...there's no way in hell I'm reading a joke that long.

I think the joke is on you if you read all the way through it.

Nope, the loss is yours if you didn't read it all the way through. I found it to be an engaging and enjoyable tale. It slowly suspended disbelief and had me completely by the end. And now I want to read chapter two.

Ditto- That was great, did you write that yourself Damo?