Post your jokes here!

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Post your jokes here!

Postposted on Fri May 28, 2004 1:50 pm

A blonde was driving home and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to the repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde and decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard and all the dents would pop out. The blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tail pipe.
Nothing happened.
She blew a little harder and still nothing happened. Her roommate, also a blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"
The blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
Her blonde roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Hello! You need to roll up the windows first!"
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Postposted on Fri May 28, 2004 2:40 pm

Edited for babies who are too sensitive. -JavaDog

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.

* Edited because it broke the rules. Don't be a mo. -emkubed
Last edited by JavaDog on Fri May 28, 2004 5:22 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Postposted on Fri May 28, 2004 2:55 pm

JavaDog...............you're sick. That's a very tasteless joke. Not funny at all.


Remember this is a family site.
Last edited by Hoser on Sat May 29, 2004 7:58 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Postposted on Fri May 28, 2004 2:58 pm

I'll lock this thread if we see any more of that. I've edited your post regardless.
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Postposted on Fri May 28, 2004 3:06 pm

emkubed wrote: I've edited your post regardless.


thank you emkubed
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Postposted on Fri May 28, 2004 3:21 pm

Hey Java...

Can you PM me that joke. Unlike some people, I am unable to be offended. Thanks. :D
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Postposted on Fri May 28, 2004 3:34 pm

same here. pm me too :lol:
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Postposted on Fri May 28, 2004 3:41 pm

I am blonde and OsakaJ's post offends me. Please remove it. Thanks.
Last edited by pez-king on Sat May 29, 2004 5:49 am, edited 2 times in total.
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Postposted on Fri May 28, 2004 4:22 pm

Player Hater wrote:Hey Java...

Can you PM me that joke. Unlike some people, I am unable to be offended. Thanks. :D


hate to say it but i also unable to be offended... rock my PM please :D
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steelcity_ballin
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Postposted on Fri May 28, 2004 4:49 pm

A man was out, driving happily along in his car late
one Saturday night. Before too long, a cop pulled him
over.

The policeman walked up to the man and asked, "Have
you been drinking, sir?"

"Why? Was I weaving all over the road?"

"No," replied the policeman, "you were driving splendidly.
It was the really ugly girl in the passenger seat that
gave you away."
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Postposted on Fri May 28, 2004 5:12 pm

[/posting]
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Postposted on Fri May 28, 2004 5:12 pm



lol!! nice.
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Postposted on Fri May 28, 2004 5:26 pm

hoser wrote:JavaDog...............your sick.


My sick what? Ohhh...you meant YOU'RE sick. I see, you just suck at English.
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Postposted on Fri May 28, 2004 5:40 pm

Let's stop there and get back to the thread topic.

And I wondered when someone would post about Windows reliability being a joke. I'd figured 2nd page or so, must be too easy. ;)
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Postposted on Fri May 28, 2004 5:41 pm

These two co workers, frank and bob, went on a company paid hunting trip to africa. One went north, and the other went south. Both agreed to meet in a certain bar at 12 pm in two weeks time.

Two weeks later bob walks into the bar and sees frank sitting at a table. He looks very pale and his hair has white in it that wasnt there before.

So bob walks over and says "Jesus frank! what the hell happened?"

Frank looks up at him slowly and says in a most serious voice, "I was way out there man. Way out. I was tracking a family of lions. For a week I chased their trail, but they seemed to know I was coming and stayed ahead of me. Finally, just when i was about to give up, I came over a ridge and there they were. 4 of them. 3 females and a male. Biggest goddamn mane youve ever seen. I saw him, and he saw me. Neither of us wasted any time, i brought my rifle up just as he started to charge me. I slapped back the bolt, put it down, and ....CLICK.... a misfire. He was right there on top of me. RRRRRAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR!!!! I **** my pants!"


Bob replies in shock, "Hell I would too if a lion got that close to me!"


Frank says, "NO! I mean just now when I went RRRRAAAWWWWRRRRRR!"
Last edited by JavaDog on Fri May 28, 2004 5:43 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Postposted on Fri May 28, 2004 5:42 pm

That, OTOH was funny.
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Postposted on Fri May 28, 2004 5:50 pm

A woman is in line at the grocery store putting her groceries on the conveyor belt. The rough looking man behind her is watching her do this.

She puts some bacon, some eggs and some milk down on the belt.

The man behind her says, "You must be single."

Confused, the woman looks at the man, then at her groceries, then back to the man and says , "Well yes I am, but how did you know?"



The man replies, "Cause your uglier n' ****."
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Postposted on Fri May 28, 2004 9:07 pm

5 people crash land on a island in the middle of the ocean. There are 4 men and one woman.

The men constantly fight over who gets the one woman, so they decide they will switch who her "husband" is every week. Everything works out fine and they are all happy.

10 years later, the woman dies.

1st day: Things really aren't to bad
2nd day: Somethings missing, but it's still alright
3rd day: Now things are starting to get not so fun
4th day: It's starting to get really bad.
5th day: Really.....really bad.
6th day: Absolutely horrible.
7th day: They bury her.
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Postposted on Fri May 28, 2004 9:38 pm

Outlaw, that's halarious

A bear hunter goes hunter, sees a beutiful griz, aims, shoots.... but the bear disapears.

he feels a tap on his shoulder, IT'S THE BEAR!
"I can either kill you now or have my way with you"
"umm... I like living"
his ass hurts, and he's mad, so he goes hunting for the bear again. This time, he sees the bear across the river, he aims, fires.... but the bear disapears!
he feels a tap on his shoulder.
"I can either kill you, or have my way with you... twice" says the bear

The hunter is VERY angry, so he goes out hunting with a bigger .50 cal rifle with 14x auto-range scope and shoots at the bear from 400 meters with a round that should take it's head off... but the bear just disapears, and again he feels a tap
the bear says "I don't think you're coming here for the hunting anymore"
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Postposted on Fri May 28, 2004 10:02 pm

pez-king wrote:I am blonde and OsakaJ's post offends me. Please remove it. Thanks.


Heh! :roll:
My wife is blonde and I am/was blonde (the grey seems to be taking over). :D
My sister, who is brunette, takes much joy in sending me blonde jokes like this one. I kind of like them.
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Postposted on Fri May 28, 2004 10:45 pm

All of Java's jokes have been great. Even the one that got edited. Where you get these?
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Postposted on Sat May 29, 2004 5:34 am

An 80-year old man and a doctor were having a conversation.The 80-year old man was extremely rich,and thus he had many wives.He told the doctor:"I'm so happy!!! My youngest wife who's 18,is bearing me a child!"
The doctor was shocked."Oh really?" "Yes!" replies the old man.The doctor pauses,then decides to tell the Old man a story."Once upon a time,lived an avid hunter,who without fail,would take his trusty old boomstick to hunt bears every sunday.Once,because he was extremely tired,he took his umbrella by accident,and he didnt notice it.He was out in the wilds for a couple of minutes when he hears a growl.He turns around and sees a huge bear baring it's teeth at him.He holds up his umbrella and opens it! Then,a shot rang out and the bear died."
The old man said,"Impossible,a gun in an umbrella??? Someone else must have shot that bear!"
The doctor replied,"That's what I'm getting at."
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Postposted on Sat May 29, 2004 5:50 am

pez-king wrote:I am blonde and OsakaJ's post offends me. Please remove it. Thanks.


Pfft, I see how it is. I get offended and no one gives a sh*t, But if a mod thinks it isn't funny then suddenly it better be edited because THIS IS A "FAMILY SITE" OMG. Guess what? If your retarded 5 year old can't handle it then maybe he/she shouldn't use the internet at all. These forums have gotten so lame over the past few months with all this sissy ass panzy moderation. I'm gone, **** that sh*t. SA forums, I love you. Please ban my account so I can't come back. (i'm serious)
Last edited by pez-king on Sun Oct 24, 2004 3:12 pm, edited 2 times in total.
pez-king
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Postposted on Sat May 29, 2004 8:02 am

JavaDog wrote:
hoser wrote:JavaDog...............your sick.


My sick what? Ohhh...you meant YOU'RE sick. I see, you just suck at English.


I fixed my error, now maybe you should re-read YOUR posts and make the nesessary corrections. :roll:

Next time don't make it so easy to insert YOUR foot into YOUR mouth.
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Postposted on Sat May 29, 2004 8:25 am

pez-king wrote:
pez-king wrote:I am blonde and OsakaJ's post offends me. Please remove it. Thanks.


Pfft, I see how it is. I get offended and no one gives a sh*t, But if a mod thinks it isn't funny then suddenly it better be edited because THIS IS A "FAMILY SITE" OMG. Guess what? If your retarded 5 year old can't handle it then maybe he/she shouldn't use the internet at all. These forums have gotten so lame over the past few months with all this sissy ass panzy moderation. I'm gone, **** that sh*t. SA forums, I love you. Please ban my account so I can't come back. (i'm serious)


hmmm
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Postposted on Sat May 29, 2004 8:32 am

pez-king wrote:
pez-king wrote:I am blonde and OsakaJ's post offends me. Please remove it. Thanks.


Pfft, I see how it is. I get offended and no one gives a sh*t, But if a mod thinks it isn't funny then suddenly it better be edited because THIS IS A "FAMILY SITE" OMG. Guess what? If your retarded 5 year old can't handle it then maybe he/she shouldn't use the internet at all. These forums have gotten so lame over the past few months with all this sissy ass panzy moderation. I'm gone, **** that sh*t. SA forums, I love you. Please ban my account so I can't come back. (i'm serious)


I edited the joke not because it was offensive to one person, I edited it because it broke forum rules. Nothing sissy-ass about that, I assure you.

Rather than begging for a ban, just stop posting if you like.
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Postposted on Sat May 29, 2004 10:03 am

A man was driving home when he gets trapped in a trafic jam. The man parked his car and asked a nearby driver about what was going on. The other driver replies:
"Some terrorist have kidnapped President Bush and they are requesting 5 million dollars or they'll burn the president"
"We are currently making a collect"
The men ask: "how much have you collected?"
"50 galons of diesel, 32 liters of gasoline, ten matchboxes, fifteen liters of kerosene..."
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Postposted on Sat May 29, 2004 3:22 pm

lethal wrote:A man was driving home when he gets trapped in a trafic jam. The man parked his car and asked a nearby driver about what was going on. The other driver replies:
"Some terrorist have kidnapped President Bush and they are requesting 5 million dollars or they'll burn the president"
"We are currently making a collect"
The men ask: "how much have you collected?"
"50 galons of diesel, 32 liters of gasoline, ten matchboxes, fifteen liters of kerosene..."


Can you tell an American didn't write that joke? :D
Still kinda funny though.
If only terrorists went after the president. Then no one would be against them.
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Postposted on Sat May 29, 2004 8:20 pm

This guy is getting drunk at a bar with his buddies when he looks at his watch. Realizing it's past midnight and he's drunk, his wife would have a fit once he made it home, he starts to get desperate. His friend notices his desperation and asks him what's wrong and decides to help him, so he give him the following advice: "Go home and as soon as you get through the door take off your shoes and walk real quietly. Sneak into your bed and slip the misses' nightgown and go down on her. Do a real nice job and she'll love it and fall asleep, and the next day she won't even be mad at you." With this great piece of advice the fellow goes home, takes off his shoes slips into bed, removes the nightgown and starts doing his work. He hears a low moan and soon she turns over and lays very quietly. Convinced of a work well done he decides to go to the kitchen and fix himself a snack. He turns on the light and finds the following note attached to the fridge: "Dear, my mom has come to visit. I let her sleep in our room, so we'll sleep in the guest room tonight."
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Postposted on Sun May 30, 2004 3:20 am

Mmm reminds me of American Pie 3. :lol:
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