Post your jokes here!

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Postposted on Sat Jul 10, 2004 9:32 pm

whats the difference between michael jackson & acne?


If you are easily offended just move on to the next post or close the window.
nsfw answer below (highlight it to make it easier to read):

acne waits until the boy is 14 to come all over his face
Science is forbidden. Laboratories manufacture danger!
sativa
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Postposted on Sat Jul 10, 2004 9:46 pm

Ah theres a good way of preventing it from getting edited. Good thinking.
Last edited by APWNH on Sat Jul 10, 2004 9:54 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Postposted on Sat Jul 10, 2004 9:52 pm

Okay i remember this from a long time ago:

Okay so a newly married young woman is taking a shower and hears the doorbell ring. Since her husband was at work, she goes to answer it with just a towel around her. The guy at the door seems surprised, then has a great idea. He introduces himself as Dave. He tells her that he will pay her $200 if she drops the towel to her waist. The woman, who thinks, "I could definitely use $200," does that, and Dave takes a nice long look. Then he tells her that he'll pay her $200 more if she drops the towel to the ground. "Oh well, why not," she thinks, and drops it to the ground. Dave takes an even longer look, then tells her to say hi to her husband for him.

That evening, she and her husband were chatting, and she tells him that Dave came around today looking for him, thinking it wouldn't make too much of a difference. He says, "Did he say anything about the $400 he owes me?"
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Postposted on Sat Jul 10, 2004 11:24 pm

My wife and I were talking to a female friend the other night. We informed her that we were having a baby girl. The friend asked,"Have you already picked out a name?". My wife replied, "Yes. We're going to name the baby Asphault." "ASPHAULT?!" the friend replied. My wife went on to explain," Yeah, My a$$ and HIS fault!"

This is merely a joke told in the first person, it is not true.
LuckyInKentucky
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Postposted on Sun Jul 11, 2004 11:51 am

Especially for all you Golfers...

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The
first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed
directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the
ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together
at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in
evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.
She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know
I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes,"
he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still
clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently
took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants,
and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him.
She then asked him, "How does that feel?"

To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
Fear causes hesitation, and hesitation will cause your worst fears to come true.
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Postposted on Mon Jul 12, 2004 7:48 pm

Hazy memory of a joke inspired by the General Software forum :-D

Two guys are sitting at a park bench, when another man, in a white cowboy outfit (stetson, boots, the works), comes up and addresses one:

"Git yo'self to the pub fo' nah-ne, we's all gonna be there. Jane"

The stetson man walks off.

"What was that?" Asks one guy.

"Tex message"

:lol:,
-Mole
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Postposted on Mon Jul 12, 2004 8:29 pm

JavaDog wrote:A woman is in line at the grocery store putting her groceries on the conveyor belt. The rough looking man behind her is watching her do this.

She puts some bacon, some eggs and some milk down on the belt.

The man behind her says, "You must be single."

Confused, the woman looks at the man, then at her groceries, then back to the man and says , "Well yes I am, but how did you know?"



The man replies, "Cause your uglier n' sh*t."


I love the "Cause your uglier n' sh*t." variations
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Postposted on Tue Jul 13, 2004 11:39 am

CIA TEST

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your spouse sitting in a chair. "Kill her!!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another until the gun was empty. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. Casually she wiped the gore off of here hands and blouse, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks, so I had to beat him to death with the chair."

Moral: Women are evil. Don't mess with them.
Defend your right to arm bears!
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Postposted on Wed Jul 14, 2004 1:54 am

Dear Tide:

I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it since the beginning of my married life, when my Mom told me it was the best.

Now that I am older & going through menopause, I find it even better!

In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse.

My unfeeling & uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was & generally started becoming a pain in the neck.

One thing led to another & I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse.

I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out.

After a quick trip to the supermarket, stopped & got a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, & to my surprise & satisfaction, all of the stains came out!

In fact, the stains came out so well, that some detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests were negative & my attorney said that I would no longer be considered a suspect!

I thank you, once again, for having such a great product.

Well, gotta go! I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people...

Signed,

A relieved menopausal wife
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.* * M-51 * *. .The Whirlpool Galaxy.
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Postposted on Wed Jul 14, 2004 7:21 pm

A blond walks in to a store and asks if she could buy curtains for her monitor. The clerk asks,"why do you need them for your monitor?" She replied, "Duh! I have windows."
Toshiba Satellite A55-1064(1.6ghz Celeron M), 2x512mb Infineon DDR2-533(in dual-channel mode), 60gb Western Digital 5,400rpm 2mb buffer hard drive, Windows XP pro /SP2

YOUR SIGNATURE IS TOO LONG
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Postposted on Thu Jul 15, 2004 1:38 pm

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized that she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business, I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's you business role at the convention?"

"Lecture," she responded. "I am the lead lecturer where I use information that I have learned from my own personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really," he said, "and what kinds of myths are there?"

"Well, she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent that are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with the absolutely best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all this with you. I don't even know you name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."
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Postposted on Thu Jul 15, 2004 5:24 pm

The Ugly Bus
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies.

They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; he decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.
The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."
Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous but when
God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing.

When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.

Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be.

The guy eventually calms down and says:


"Make 'em all ugly again".
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Postposted on Mon Jul 19, 2004 2:52 pm

CINDERELLA'S MISTAKE

Cinderella is now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now departed Prince, she happily sat in her rocking chair watching the world go by with her cat Jim. One afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared her Fairy Godmother.

Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"

The Fairy Godmother replied, "Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you three wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was overjoyed. "I wish I was extremely wealthy", she said. Instantly, her rocking chair turned into solid gold. Jim, her cat, jumped off her lap and ran to the edge of the porch quivering with fear.

"Oh thank you Fairy Godmother," said Cinderella. "Is there anything else you might wish for", asked the Fairy Godmother.

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I was young and full of the beauty I once had." At once, her wish was granted. Cinderella felt a feeling inside her that she had not felt for years.

The Fairy Godmother said, "you have one wish remaining, what shall you have?" Cinderella looked at her frightened cat in the corner and said, "I wish you to turn Jim, my old cat, into a handsome young man."

Magically, Jim suddenly underwent a change and then before them stood a young man with the looks and body that no other man could match.

The Fairy Godmother again spoke "Congratulations Cinderella. Enjoy your new life," and with that she was gone.

For a few eerie moments, Cinderella and Jim looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat breathless, gazing at the most stunning, perfect man she had ever seen. Jim walked over to Cinderella and held her close in his muscular arms. He leaned in close to her ear and whispered in a warm breath: "Bet you regret having my balls chopped off now, don't you?"
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Postposted on Mon Jul 19, 2004 4:45 pm

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, 'What are these, Dad?'

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, 'Those are called condoms, son.... Men use them to have safe sex.'

'Oh I see,' replied the boy pensively. 'Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school.' He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, 'Why are there 3 in this package.'

The dad replies, 'Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.'

'Cool!' says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, 'Then who are these for?' 'Those are for college men.' the dad answers, 'TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.'

'WOW!' exclaimed the boy, 'Then who uses THESE?' he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh, the dad replied, 'Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March........'
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Postposted on Mon Jul 19, 2004 4:53 pm

Smokem if ya Gottem


Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it
started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end,
put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady 1: What's that?

Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Lady 1: Where did you get it?

Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is,
after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand
she prefers. "Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted...
metalhead
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Postposted on Tue Jul 20, 2004 2:02 am

Milk and Cookies



A priest is sitting in the confesion booth one night and a nice looking blonde comes into the booth and says," Forgive me father, for I have sinned!"

He asks, " What have you done my child?"

"Well, I said the "F" word 25 times last week , and twice towards my mother during an argument!"

The priest replies, " Say 4 'Hail Marys' and be on your way."


The next week the same girl shows up at the same time.

"Forgive me father for I have sinned, it has been 1 week since my last confession."

The priest asks," What have you done my child?"

She replies," Two nights ago my boyfriend and I slept together for the first time."

"Say 14 'Hail Marys' and 4 'Our Fathers' and be on your way!"

A week passes by and the young lady returns.

Once again she returns to the confession booth.

"Forgive me father for I have sinned, it has been one week since my last confession!"

Again, the priest asks," What have you done now my child?"

Much to his surprise, she replies," Last night my boyfriend and I had anal sex!"

In disbelief, and fumbling through his notes, he can't find the answer to this. So, he turns to an alter boy that is passing by, and asks.

"What do you get for anal sex?"

The altar boy replies" Milk and Cookies!!!"
LuckyInKentucky
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Postposted on Mon Aug 16, 2004 1:30 pm

An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing.

So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 4 miles home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face.

He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!"

"What makes you say that?" He asks as he puts on an innocent look.

"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."
red0510
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Postposted on Mon Aug 16, 2004 2:00 pm

red thanks for that copy/paste from ebaumsworld 8)
Science is forbidden. Laboratories manufacture danger!
sativa
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Postposted on Mon Aug 16, 2004 4:08 pm

Buffalo, NY has a large polish population.
So, how do you know you made it to Buffalo?

......

There are sap buckets on telephone poles.

da da da boom
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Postposted on Mon Aug 16, 2004 4:13 pm

There is this fellow that would come into the same bar each night and order three beers.

Afte a while, the bartender asked him out of curiosity, why do you always order three drinks?

The fellow replies that his two brothers are in the military overseas and that he promised them that he would come have a drink for each of them until they get back. So, he orders three drinks each time. One for himself and two for his brothers.

So months pass, and this fellow, continues to come in day after day, ordering three drinks.

And one day, he comes in and says "Give me two beers"

The bartender responds, "Oh, I'm sorry to hear about your loss."

The fellow responds, "what loss".

Baffled, the bartnend repsonds, "you ordered two beers. I'm assuming you lost one of your brothers."

The fellow repsonds, "No no .... it's nothing like that. I gave up drinking"
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Postposted on Mon Aug 16, 2004 4:36 pm

A businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the afternoon with him for $500. So they do. Before he leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but that he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment, "Rent For Apartment."
On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he has his secretary send a check for $250 and encloses the following typed note:

"Dear Madam,

Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:

1) It had never been occupied;
2) There was plenty of heat;
3) It was small enough to make me cozy and at home.

However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large."

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:

"Dear Sir,

First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed regular, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the landlady."
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Postposted on Mon Aug 16, 2004 5:34 pm

A married couple were having a dinner party for some
important guests. The wife was very excited about this
and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last
minute, she realized that she didn't have any escargot
for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run
down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails.

Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked
out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach.
As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful
woman strolling alongside the water just a little further
down the beach.

He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if
she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went
back to gathering the snails.

All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman
was standing right over him. They started talking and
she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending
the night together. At seven o'clock the next morning
he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner
party!!!"

He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast,
grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down
the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the
stairs of his apartment, but he was in such a hurry
that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped
the bucket of snails spilling them all down the stairs.
The door suddenly opens with a very angry wife standing
in the doorway wondering where he's been all this time.

He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he
looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come
on guys, we're almost there!!"
the_silver_bullet24
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Postposted on Mon Aug 16, 2004 8:43 pm

the_silver_bullet24 wrote:A married couple were having a dinner party... and said, "Come
on guys, we're almost there!!"


GROAN! :lol:
Defend your right to arm bears!
OsakaJ
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Postposted on Mon Aug 16, 2004 11:45 pm

What's the difference between roast beef and P soup?

Anyone can roast beef...
I was married in an online fantasy game once. We thought about having children, but it would severely drain my power crystals.

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Jebus
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Postposted on Tue Aug 17, 2004 2:17 am

This woman goes to a sex shop and is greeted by the clerk.
"May I help you?"
"Yes, I am looking for a vibrator, what have you got?"
"We have this model here, very popular"
"No, that one is entirely too small."
"OK. What about this larger model?"
"No, it's also small. What else do you have?"
"We can offer you this one, which is the largest in the store."
"Mmm... right... what about that big red one over there?"
"That's the fire extinguisher, m'am"
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Postposted on Tue Aug 17, 2004 2:51 am

an e-mail from a friend wrote:YOU MUST READ THIS - NOT ONLY IS IT HILARIOUS, IT'S A TRUE STORY AND HAPPENED ON A SYDNEY RADIO STATION Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Sydney folk DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney. The DJs Play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win a prize. One particular game, however, made Sydney drop to its knees with laughter and is Possibly the funniest thing I've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is ED on Fox FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"
Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have"
DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you
win. What is your name? First name only please".
Contestant: "Brian"
DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?
Brian: "Yes".
DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"
Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married"
DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First name only please"
Brian: "Sara"
DJ: "Is Sara at work Brian?"
Brian: "She's gonna kill me"
DJ: "Stay with me here Brian! Is she at work?"
Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work"
DJ: "OK, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"
Brian: "She's gonna kill me"
DJ: "Brian, stay with me here!"
Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning"
DJ: "Atta boy Brian"
Brian: (laughing sheepishly): "Well...."
DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"
Brian: "About 10 minutes"
DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that
if a trip wasn't at stake"
Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice"
DJ: "OK. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?"
Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well...."
DJ: "This sounds good Brian. Where was it at?"
Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with us for a
couple of weeks..."
DJ: "Uh huh"
Brian: "And the mother in law was in the shower at the time"
DJ: "Atta boy Brian"
Brian: "On the kitchen table"
DJ: "Not that great? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times
I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work
number and call her up. You listen to this"
(3 minutes of commercials follow)
DJ: "OK audience, let's call Sara, shall we?" (touch tones...ringing....)
Clerk: "Kinkos"
DJ: "Hey is Sara around there somewhere?"
Clerk: "This is she"
DJ: "Sara, this is Ed with Fox FM. We are live on the air right now and I've
been talking to Brian for a couple of hours now"
Sara: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"
DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give
any answers away or you'll lose. Soooooo, do you know the rules of 'Mate
Match'?"
Sara: "No"
DJ: "Good!"
Brian: (laughing)
Sara: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"
Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, OK? Be completely
honest"
DJ: "Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions Sara. If your
answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold
Coast for 5 days on us"
Sara: (laughing) "yes"
DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex Sara?"
Sara: "Oh God, Brian...uh, this morning before Brian went to work"
DJ: "What time?"
Sara: "Around 8 this morning"
DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"
Sara: "12, 15 minutes maybe"
DJ: "Hmmm, that's close enough. I'm sure she is trying to protect his
manhood. We've got one last question Sarah. You are one question away from a
trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"
Sara: (laughing) "Yes"
DJ: "Where did you have it?"
Sara: "OH MY GOD BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?"
Brian: "Just tell them honey"
DJ: "What is bothering you so much Sara?"
Sara: "well....."
DJ: "Come on Sara...where did you have it?"
Sara: "Up the arse..."
After a long pause, the DJ said: "Folks, we need a take a station break"
blitzy
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Postposted on Tue Aug 17, 2004 12:35 pm

blitzy thats just like this video.

Right click save as.
Science is forbidden. Laboratories manufacture danger!
sativa
Grand Gerbil Poohbah
 
Posts: 3045
Joined: Sun Apr 14, 2002 7:22 pm
Location: lafayette, la

Postposted on Tue Aug 17, 2004 12:40 pm

Alright, this had actually happened, a friend of mine was a flight attendant:

One day a hindu man was pushing the call button repeatedly. The flight attendants had been helping the hindu man left and right without end it seemed. So, they let him sit for a while, and he kept pushing the button. Finally, one of the attendants came over and asked what they could do for him. The hindu man's response, "I've fingering and fingering the stewardess, but she would not come."
The best things in life are free.
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Guy 1: Surely, you will fold with me.
Guy 2: Alright, but don't call me Shirley.
titan
Grand Gerbil Poohbah
 
Posts: 3276
Joined: Mon Feb 18, 2002 7:00 pm
Location: Great Smoky Mountains

Postposted on Tue Aug 17, 2004 5:36 pm

If vegitable oil is made of vegitables, and peanut oil is made of peanuts, what's baby oil made of?
I was married in an online fantasy game once. We thought about having children, but it would severely drain my power crystals.

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Jebus
Gerbil Jedi
 
Posts: 1622
Joined: Sat May 15, 2004 11:29 am
Location: Oklahoma

Postposted on Wed Aug 18, 2004 8:39 am

LOL @ Blitzy !!!!!

That's great.....reminded me of that newlywed video too...that's a classic.
FroBozz_Inc
Darth Gerbil
 
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