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Vrock
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Frustrating Things Bosses Say

Thu Sep 29, 2005 10:09 am

I get this little gem in my email inbox today:

"We need to figure out a way that we can proactively ascertain when a mission will not be executed and why so we can assist in impact mitigation."

Huh? What the hell does that mean? Sounds like he wants me to develop a way of predicting the future. Geez. If we could do that, my butt wouldn't be in Baghdad now, would it? :wink:

Anybody else have any witticisms from their bosses to share?
 
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Thu Sep 29, 2005 10:12 am

That's awesome, it does sound like he wants you to be a fortuneteller.

Here's a quote I heard from my boss this morning: "Get off my boob." (boss in this case being my wife, for those of you who think I'm sexually harrassing someone at the workplace).
 
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Thu Sep 29, 2005 10:13 am

*me e-mails this thread to Action Jim. He NEEDS to post some of his boss's brilliance here*
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Action Jim
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Thu Sep 29, 2005 10:21 am

Here's some direct quotes from my boss:

"Gentlemen, we need to vector our thoughts towards crafting an appropriate push back with extreme velocity."

"Did you download the salient information at the conference" (meaning: did I learn anything new)

"I'd like you to give us a core dump of your recent results at the next meeting."

"I need to off-load some information to you in an email."

"I need maximum definitude on this."
Good bye everyone.
 
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Thu Sep 29, 2005 10:25 am

I don't have anything genuinely "brilliant" from mine; she just tends to send a panicked email when we get busy and then send antoher 10 minutes later explaining how she realizes she needs to calm down.
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Wintermane
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Thu Sep 29, 2005 10:31 am

All your boss just said was we need to think aboput the damn mission ahead of time and think up ways to cover my ass if we fail BEFORE we fail.

Just because they take failure out as an option doesnt mean the universe cant put it right back. It just means the paperwork afterward is far more creative.
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Thu Sep 29, 2005 10:34 am

"We need to be progressive in our own rights, to show our customers how proactive our work habits are and how they reflect as such in the field"

All I hear is "blah blah blah buzzword blah buzzword blah buzzword" hahah

It's really not that bad here, but its funny how we all share this common "boss" architype.
 
Vrock
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Thu Sep 29, 2005 10:34 am

Action Jim wrote:
Here's some direct quotes from my boss:

"Gentlemen, we need to vector our thoughts towards crafting an appropriate push back with extreme velocity."

"Did you download the salient information at the conference" (meaning: did I learn anything new)

"I'd like you to give us a core dump of your recent results at the next meeting."

"I need to off-load some information to you in an email."

"I need maximum definitude on this."


Wow, are you sure you don't work in the Army? Those sound like things I hear from senior officers daily.

A big buzz-phrase around here is "the way ahead". My boss can't say "what's the plan, Jim?" he HAS to say "what's the way ahead, Jim?" It drives me **** crazy. I hear it all the time..."Need you to put together some slides outlining the way ahead" "Have you seen the way ahead on this one? I'm not so sure if it's practical" "Let's get cracking on this, the boss is gonna want to see the way ahead!"

Arrrgh!!! :roll:
 
Vrock
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Thu Sep 29, 2005 10:36 am

Wintermane wrote:
All your boss just said was we need to think aboput the damn mission ahead of time and think up ways to cover my ass if we fail BEFORE we fail.

Just because they take failure out as an option doesnt mean the universe cant put it right back. It just means the paperwork afterward is far more creative.


Sure, I get it....the problem is that "we don't know what we don't know" That's another dumb buzz-phrase used in daily conversation in the Army.
 
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Thu Sep 29, 2005 10:39 am

Vrock wrote:
Wow, are you sure you don't work in the Army? Those sound like things I hear from senior officers daily.


This guy does work for the government. Is that close enough?

I personally think that my boss likes to pretend he's a robot. I picture him at home slicking his hair back like Brent Spiner and practicing saying things like "Does not compute!" and "Danger Will Robinson!" while flailing his arms around impotently.

A big buzz-phrase around here is "the way ahead". My boss can't say "what's the plan, Jim?" he HAS to say "what's the way ahead, Jim?" It drives me **** crazy. I hear it all the time..."Need you to put together some slides outlining the way ahead" "Have you seen the way ahead on this one? I'm not so sure if it's practical" "Let's get cracking on this, the boss is gonna want to see the way ahead!"

Arrrgh!!! :roll:


I fervently hope that my boss never hears that term. I'm sure he'd try to use that as many times as he humanly could in a 2 minute conversation.
Good bye everyone.
 
Action Jim
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Thu Sep 29, 2005 10:43 am

Oh, here's another one from my boss:

"Let me look up his business coordinates to arrange a teleconference."
Good bye everyone.
 
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Thu Sep 29, 2005 11:03 am

Snippet from the conversation behind me:

"I'll know more when I find out."

edit: damn, reading it over, i see it could be a perfectly logical thing to say if someone has to make a decision and needs to have some information...but it wasnt used in that context. What he said was the equivalent of 'ill know when i learn'
Last edited by Magnus on Thu Sep 29, 2005 11:09 am, edited 2 times in total.
 
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Thu Sep 29, 2005 11:03 am

My boss loves the buzz words and phrases as well, however, the grammar errors are the best (name changed to protect my ass):

My boss wrote:
We have decided to revise the back area were Bob Smith’s use to sit and modify the cubical space from 6 to 8 cubes.


This was from an e-mail the other day, which was even sent to the President of the company. :roll:
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Thu Sep 29, 2005 3:34 pm

I don't have any great gems of wisdom to pass along, but I did once get in trouble as a computer salesperson for sounding too knowledgeable ( :o )about what I was selling.
 
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Re: Frustrating Things Bosses Say

Thu Sep 29, 2005 3:53 pm

Vrock wrote:
"We need to figure out a way that we can proactively ascertain when a mission will not be executed and why so we can assist in impact mitigation."


Civilian Translation: I want to know if your going to fake a sicky so I can arrange to have someone else take your place if you think that’s required.

Military Translation: Do you think we can walk through that minefield without problems? Or should we send the Canadians in first?
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Thu Sep 29, 2005 4:03 pm

Not really a frustrating thing, but I used to work for a guy who's favorite phrase was "Hurry up every chance you get".... which is kinda puzzling if ya stop and think about it :P
 
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Re: Frustrating Things Bosses Say

Thu Sep 29, 2005 4:17 pm

dragmor wrote:

Military Translation: Do you think we can walk through that minefield without problems? Or should we send the Canadians in first?


LOL, being aCanadian, I think I'm supposed to find this offensive. Yet I can't help laughing. Espicially when I look at the current state of our military. But enough of that, I don't want to be a thread jacker.

I'm not working right now (University is good for that), but during the summer, one of my managers would come out back into the warehouse where I was working and give us a lecture about wearing steel-toed, when she didn't have any. Or how she would always say that all employees should be a minimum 12 feet away from an operating forklift, yet she'd stand right beside it to make sure the operator (who is certified) is getting it down correctly.
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Thu Sep 29, 2005 4:28 pm

I used to temp at a company where one of the directors would come out of his office and shout "Get some **** orders in!" to all the sales staff.

nice

That was the same company that lost the file for a £20,000,000 contract they were bidding for down the back of the filing cabinet. I was so supprised when they went bust :lol:
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Re: Frustrating Things Bosses Say

Thu Sep 29, 2005 8:37 pm

dragmor wrote:
Military Translation: Do you think we can walk through that minefield without problems? Or should we send the Canadians in first?


I almost spewed coffee out my nose. That was great.

My boss has a great personality, but she scares me sometimes. It's not so much one gem of wisdom that she says; it's the way she totally ignores anything that doesn't confirm what she thinks is true, and then gets frustrated when she can't do what she's trying to do.

For example, she'll say, "This information is in this regulation."

Me: "No, it's not. It's in such-and-such reg that I was just looking at. If this information IS in this reg, it would be in this particular chapter, but it's not."

She: (looking in that chapter...) "Hmmm... this doesn't have that info."

Me: "Or I suppose it COULD be in chapter 8, which covers our job specifically, but I don't think so."

She: "Well, it should be in this reg." (looking in chapter 8...)

Me: "But it's not. It's in that other one I mentioned."

She: (looking, looking, looking, frustrated sigh) "Here, look in this reg, then; you know where to find it." (dismissive wave)

:evil: TRY LISTENING!!! :evil:
 
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Thu Sep 29, 2005 8:47 pm

My boss just talks like a robot and says the same thing to you 8 times before letting you off the phone. EVERYONE hates talking to him. Its not that no one likes him, he's a nice guy... he just... it sucks talking to him. He also knows less about IT than a rock in the parking lot, which makes matters worse. At least he doesn't PRETEND to know more than me, he defers decisions to me as much as possible... this makes me wonder why he's the supervisor and i'm the assistant... :roll:
 
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Fri Sep 30, 2005 10:10 am

I get some stupid reactions from teachers too :P.

Im send out by a class, and I need to go to the conrector for the fourth time. I open the door:
'Ah, Bob, what a suprise'

And my gym teachers names me Murdock from the A-Team (he thinks Im crazy like him)

And, ehm...

Under chemy we need to do some things with expensive glass objects (named burret or so). Anyway, I was playing like a Ninja with that glassy thing. And that wife very angry saying 'Bob, dat is peperduur'!. That means its very expensive, but peper is pepper, duur is expensive. So I said pepper isnt expensive :P. She didnt like that...

but well, there are way more, I forget them :-?
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derFunkenstein
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Fri Sep 30, 2005 11:24 am

Conrector?! Damn near killd 'er!
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Fri Sep 30, 2005 11:52 am

My bosses are into acronyms. Like they are all above us cuz they know the secret acronym. Examples:

FI = Focused Improvement
EM = Early Managment
5S = Sort, Shine, Substane and who cares about the rest.
AM = Autonomus Maintenance
TPM = Total Productive Maintenance
CFU = Check for Understanding (The first time I heard that one, I thought they used the F word) :wink:

Anyway, they had shut our plant down for the day to teach us about this new management technique that was passed down from corporate. TPM. All our operators are in the room. Now a lot of these people have no real edcuation (myself included. Some even speak broken english and are fluent in Spanish. Not english)
So they are flashing graphs and slides from their projectors link to their laptops. Babbling on and on, making their sales pitch. Then I begin to hear this super word. Autonomus this and Autonomus that. Again and again and Again.
(Now please refer back to the no real edcuation.) And a lot of these people in the room are my friends. Knowing that we are all not the sharpest knives in the drawer, I know they never heard this word till today. I asked the big question. "What is Autonomus?
The manager giving the presentation looks at his other managers, they all start shrugging their shoulders at each other, then he says to me, I'll have to get back to you on that one. :o

Autonomus: Having the right or power of self-government.
And to look like a real idiot! 8)
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Fri Sep 30, 2005 11:55 am

I used to work in a place where I had no telephone by my desk, and only one computer monitor as opposed to the two monitors that everyone else had. The boss would constantly tell me to be more assertive on the phones and multitask as much as everyone else. I would reply that I had no phone and only one screen when everybody else had two. This diologue went on farr too many times. How freakin' annoying! :evil:

I'm sure glad I don't work there anymore. :wink:


Macgyver wrote:
Knowing that we are all not the sharpest knives in the drawer, I know they never heard this word till today. I asked the big question. "What is Autonomus?
The manager giving the presentation looks at his other managers, they all start shrugging their shoulders at each other, then he says to me, I'll have to get back to you on that one. :o

Autonomus: Having the right or power of self-government.
And to look like a real idiot! 8)


Clueless management FTW!
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Fri Sep 30, 2005 12:46 pm

Thanks for the laugh, Macgyver.
That was a good one!
:lol:
 
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Fri Sep 30, 2005 1:02 pm

Vrock wrote:
Wintermane wrote:
All your boss just said was we need to think aboput the damn mission ahead of time and think up ways to cover my ass if we fail BEFORE we fail.

Just because they take failure out as an option doesnt mean the universe cant put it right back. It just means the paperwork afterward is far more creative.


Sure, I get it....the problem is that "we don't know what we don't know" That's another dumb buzz-phrase used in daily conversation in the Army.


Heh ive had great bosses over the years I guess never realy got gobbldygook pep talks. My boss quite simply said.. win or lose my ass is all thats important!;/ He was joking of course.
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Fri Sep 30, 2005 1:06 pm

PerfectCr wrote:
Bob Maenhout wrote:
I get some stupid reactions from teachers too :P.

Im send out by a class, and I need to go to the conrector for the fourth time.

I don't know what the "conrector" is, but that sounds nasty (and possibly painful! :lol: )

Bob, I think you are missing the point of this thread. Lost in translation maybe? We are talking about annoying stuff a boss at work says. Certain "buzz" words and phrases in the English language are overused and become cliche. Not sure what your post had to do with that. Just trying to be nice :D

Conrector, dont know whats that in English. Its kinda vice director of the school :P.

But I know where this thread is about... I know a teacher isnt a 'boss', but just thought it was the same :roll:. Maybe there is something lost intranslation from my Dutch to English, I dont know.... I tried :D
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cheesyking
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Mon Oct 03, 2005 5:24 am

Bob Maenhout wrote:
Conrector, dont know whats that in English. Its kinda vice director of the school :P.


"Vice director" :-? sounds a bit like a <a href="http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=pimp">pimp</a> to me! Wish I'd gone to school in Holland.

As for my current boss's annoying speech habits...

I cringe any time he tries to say anything that is supposed to make him look knowledgeable. He tries to think of the longest word he knows that can fit the situation and just sticks it in there. To be honest it just makes him sound more ignorant :lol:
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Sun Oct 23, 2005 5:17 pm

I work in a pub.

My boss loves the phrase "Time for leaning's time for cleaning!"

Which really pisses me off. Also the stupid names that Big Management give to various projects, for example a recent one known as "Project Eggs And Bacon", or in translation "Sell More Breakfasts Please."

On the plus side, our immediate management have a sign on the wall which says something along the lines of "It has come to our attention that staff dying on the job are remaining standing. Please ensure this ceases to occur as it is becoming increasingly difficult to distinguish between NORMAL JOB ACTIVITY and DEATH." Which made me chuckle.
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Vrock
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Mon Oct 24, 2005 12:52 am

excession wrote:
I work in a pub....Project Eggs And Bacon", or in translation "Sell More Breakfasts Please."


Whoa, what kind of bar is open for breakfast? You guys cater to some hard corps alcoholics or something

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