Personal computing discussed

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steelcity_ballin
Gerbilus Supremus
Posts: 12072
Joined: Mon May 26, 2003 5:55 am
Location: Pittsburgh PA

Fri Aug 10, 2007 8:40 am

3 men who are down on their luck hear lore of a magical bridge that grants wishes based upon bravery. The lore states that he who would jump and express their freedom, would surely be granted their wish.

The first man approaches the bridge with gusto. He runs, leaps off the side and yelps "EAGLE!!!", *poof* he is transformed and flies away.

The second man seeing this, is filled with faith as well. He runs and leaps off the side yelling "SALMON!!!" *poof* and falls into the water below unharmed, and swims away.

The third guy runs as hard as he can at the bridge, slips as he is about to jump and proclaims "OH SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!!!" *Poof*
 
Jigar
Maximum Gerbil
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Mon Aug 13, 2007 12:42 pm

Maria, a beautiful Latina, fell in love with Jose. She planned to marry him very soon.

She was so happy about her wedding plans, she decided to tell her Papa.

Papa told her, "Maria, you'll have to find another. Your Mother does not know this, but Jose is your half-brother" . So Maria forgot about her Jose, and soon planned to marry Ricardo. But after telling Papa again, he said, "Maria there's trouble still. You cannot marry Ricardo, my darling. Please don't tell your mother, but Ricardo and Jose are your half-brothers. "

Maria had no choice but to go to her Mama. Mama already knew and
said,"My darling, do what makes you happy. Marry Ricardo or marry Jose, because you are not related to Papa!"
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Jigar
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Fri Aug 17, 2007 6:46 am

There was once a competition involving three gruelling tests. The participants had to do the following in immediate succession:

1.) Drink five bottles of hard whiskey in one go

2) Enter a room where there was a starving lion and pluck out its eyes with bare hands.

3) And then screw a very horny babe to her full satisfaction.


Many people bravely tried their hands (or should I say mouths) at it. Few could get beyond the first stage. And the inebriated few who managed it, got promptly eaten up by the starving lion. There was none who could read the third stage.



And then, one fine day, Santa Singh walked into the contest. Five bottles of whiskey were nothing for him. He emptied five bottles in five gulps. Then he said, " Bhale change hai hum, thagde hai. Bathao, lion kahan hai." When shown the room, he coolly walked in.



There was no hint of fear on his face, but rather the cool confidence of a person who knew he could do it.


Sounds of a mammoth fight came from the room. Screams of the Sardar and growls of the lion were intermingled. Thumps and thuds which shook the very earth ensued. All of a sudden there was a piercing, heart-rending roar from the Lion.



The audience waited with bated breath, their hair stood on end. And then, as suddenly as it had begun, the titanic roar stopped. An eerie silence prevailed.


As the audience watched, with eyes popping out, the door of the room opened, and out came the Sardar. Badly bruised, with blood streaming from his face, hands and legs, he stumbled out - victorious, nevertheless. His face had the glow of satisfaction of an emperor who had just won a battle.


And then he asked, "Where is the woman whose eyes I have to pluck out?"

:lol:
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lordT
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Fri Aug 17, 2007 1:04 pm

I don't really comment on the jokes but the last one gave me a LOT of mental images. Nice.
 
Voldenuit
Minister of Gerbil Affairs
Posts: 2888
Joined: Sat Sep 03, 2005 11:10 pm

Sat Aug 25, 2007 1:27 am

Slightly racist joke coming up. If your last name is Zbiegniew or you have any relatives named Czeslaw, you might want to skip this. :D

A Polish man married an American woman, and despite the husband's lack of proficiency in English, lived together happily for many years.
One day, however, he rushed to his lawyer and demanded a divorce. The lawyer was surprised by the sudden request, and asked, "have you any grounds?"
"One and a half acre, is nice house."
"I mean, what is the foundation of this case?"
"Is concrete."
"Do either of you have a specific grudge?"
"No, we have car-port."
Stymied by the responses, the lawyer decided to try a different tack. "Does your spouse beat you up?"
"No, am always up before her."
"Do you have any suspicion of infidelity?"
"We have good hi-fi and dvd player."
Giving up, the lawyer decided for the direct approach, "I mean, why are you asking for a divorce?"
"My wife want to get rid of me. I think she buy poison."
"Why do you say that?"
"The other day, I look in her medicine cupboard, and see a bottle, label 'Polish Remover'." :p
Wind, Sand and Stars.
 
Daveburt714
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Sat Aug 25, 2007 2:22 am

OK, this is sick... But, I like my jokes that way!

Two bums are walking down the train tracks, one bum looks at the other and says "Man, I had the best luck on these tracks last week!"

The other bum looks at him and says "No! I had the best luck on these tracks last week!!"

The 1st bum says "Ok, hotshot, what happened to you?"

2nd Bum: "I was walking down the tracks and found a $50 bill... I bought a case of MD 2020... I was drunk for 3 days!!"

1st Bum: "Hmm... thats nothing! I was walking down the tracks and found a woman tied to them... She had the most beautiful body I've ever seen!! I untied her, took her back in the woods and we had sex every way you could imagine!!"

2nd Bum: "Wow.... That is better!!! Did ya get any Head?"

1st Bum: "Well, No... I never found her head!"

Told ya it was sick!! :lol:
 
Philldoe
Grand Gerbil Poohbah
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Sat Aug 25, 2007 2:32 am

I wanna post dead baby jokes now :(
Fastfreak39: I feel like they should change the phrase "jumping on the band wagon" to "sailing on the pirate ship"
 
Maddog
Gerbil
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Location: Perth, AU

Fri Aug 31, 2007 12:55 am

How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night
drinking and thought 'How on earth did I get home?'

As hard as you try, you can't piece together your return journey from
the pub, or that party, to your house.

The answer to this puzzle is that you used a Beer Scooter.

The Beer Scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased to
the drunk by Bacchus the Roman god of liquor. Bacchus has acquired a
large batch of these magical devices.

The Beer Scooter works in the following fashion:-

The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness at this point the
"slurring gland" begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his
many sub-contractors will detect this pheromone and send down a magical
Beer Scooter

The scooter scoops up the passenger, and deposits them in their bedroom
via a Trans-Dimensional Portal. This is not cheap to run, so a large
portion of the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This
answers the second question after a night out 'How did I spend so much
money?'

Unfortunately, Beer Scooters have a poor safety record and are said to
be responsible for over 90% of all Unidentified Drinking Injuries (UDI).

An undocumented feature of the beer scooter is the destruction of time
segments during the trip. The nature of Trans-Dimensional Portals
dictates that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for. This
answers a third question after a night out 'What the hell happened?'

With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT (Removal of
Embarrassing Moments In Time) add on, that automatically removes, in
descending order, those parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately one
person's REMIT is not necessarily the REMIT of another and quite often
lost time is regained in discussions and comparisons over a future
period of time.

Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles often cause the
scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending the passenger to
the wrong bedroom, often with horrific consequences.

With recent models including a GPS, Bacchus made an investment in a
scooter drive-thru food chain specialising in half eaten kebabs and
pizza crusts.
Another question answered!!

For the family man, Beer Scooters come equipped with flowers picked from
other people's gardens and Thump-A-Lot boots (Patent Pending). These
boots are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tip-toe
up the stairs, you are sure to wake up your other half. Special
anti-gravity springs ensure that you bump into every wall in the house
and the CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the
bruised shins.

The final add-on Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some scooters is the
TAS (Tobacco Absorption System). This explains how one person can
apparently get through 260 Camel No Filters in a single night.

PS: Don't forget the on-board heater, which allows you to comfortably
get home from the pub in sub-zero temperatures, wearing just a T-shirt.
 
morphine
TR Staff
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Location: Portugal (that's next to Spain)

Fri Aug 31, 2007 2:47 pm

Maddog wrote:
How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night
drinking and thought 'How on earth did I get home?'

Ha! That was a good one :lol:
 
Captain Ned
Global Moderator
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Location: Vermont, USA

Fri Aug 31, 2007 3:11 pm

morphine wrote:
Maddog wrote:
How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night
drinking and thought 'How on earth did I get home?'

Ha! That was a good one :lol:

I did the same thing after seeing the bottom half of my draft in the keeper league.
What we have today is way too much pluribus and not enough unum.
 
OsakaJ
Gerbil Elite
Topic Author
Posts: 773
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Location: South Carolina, USA

Fri Aug 31, 2007 3:42 pm

A very loud, unattractive, mean, nasty woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly,"Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't. The oldest one is 9 and the other one is 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind or just stupid?"

"I'm neither blind or stupid. Ma'am," replied the greeter. "I just couldn't believe that you got laid twice."

"Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."
 
Jigar
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Mon Sep 10, 2007 7:00 am

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all
of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze,
the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.The pilot saw a tall building,
flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window.
The pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window.

Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to the Seattle airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped
determine their position?

The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building, because similar to their help-lines,
they gave me a technically correct but totally useless answer!"
Ha Ha Ha!!!!!! :lol:
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bhtooefr
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Mon Sep 10, 2007 12:29 pm

[13:26] <VeeDubTDI> what did the lesbian vampire say to the other?
[13:26] <VeeDubTDI> see you next month
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just brew it!
Administrator
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Location: Somewhere, having a beer

Mon Sep 10, 2007 9:56 pm

Jigar2speed5095 wrote:
The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building, because similar to their help-lines,
they gave me a technically correct but totally useless answer!"
Ha Ha Ha!!!!!! :lol:

...but aren't Microsoft's help lines all in India? :lol:

bhtooefr wrote:
[13:26] <VeeDubTDI> what did the lesbian vampire say to the other?
[13:26] <VeeDubTDI> see you next month

*groan*

That's disgusting...
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
 
morphine
TR Staff
Posts: 11600
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Location: Portugal (that's next to Spain)

Tue Sep 11, 2007 6:41 am

just brew it! wrote:
bhtooefr wrote:
[13:26] <VeeDubTDI> what did the lesbian vampire say to the other?
[13:26] <VeeDubTDI> see you next month

*groan*
That's disgusting...

I thought it was funny as hell :lol: . Then again, I do tend to like most bad taste jokes.
 
Jigar
Maximum Gerbil
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Tue Sep 11, 2007 6:45 am

just brew it! wrote:
Jigar2speed5095 wrote:
The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building, because similar to their help-lines,
they gave me a technically correct but totally useless answer!"
Ha Ha Ha!!!!!! :lol:

...but aren't Microsoft's help lines all in India? :lol:


LOL... yeah, i forgot that :lol:
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OsakaJ
Gerbil Elite
Topic Author
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Location: South Carolina, USA

Mon Sep 17, 2007 3:40 pm

Nate lived in the desert. He guarded a very special lever. If the lever were pulled, it would destroy the world. Nate took his job seriously; he didn’t let anything close to the lever. One day, he saw a cloud of dust coming down the side of a nearby mountain. The dust came closer and closer. Nate realized it was a huge boulder that was going to hit the lever. He had to try to deflect it. He succeeded; however, he was killed by the boulder. But it was better Nate than lever!
 
Captain Ned
Global Moderator
Posts: 28704
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Location: Vermont, USA

Mon Sep 17, 2007 5:09 pm

Be very glad you aren't standing next to me right now. :wink:
What we have today is way too much pluribus and not enough unum.
 
FroBozz_Inc
Darth Gerbil
Posts: 7363
Joined: Mon Apr 21, 2003 9:35 am
Location: Hockeytown, MI

Fri Sep 28, 2007 10:34 am

The Psychiatrist and The Proctologist

Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading:

"Dr Smith and Dr. Jones"
"Hysterias and Posteriors."

The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to read:
"Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."

This was not acceptable either, so, in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to:
"Catatonics and High Colonics."

No go. Next, they tried:
"Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives."

Thumbs down again. Then came:
"Minds and Behinds."

Still no good. Another attempt resulted in:
"Lost Souls and Nether Holes."

Unacceptable again. So they tried:
"Analysis and Anal Cysts."

No way.
"Nuts and Butts?"

No way.
"Freaks and Cheeks?"

Still no go.
"Loons and Moons?"

Forget it. Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with:
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones"
"Odds and Ends."

Everyone loved it.
 
Jigar
Maximum Gerbil
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Tue Oct 16, 2007 3:27 am

Oracle's Real-Life Q & A

Q. What if your Dad loses his car keys?
A. 'Parent keys not found!'


Q. What if your old girl friend spots you with your new one?
A. 'Duplicate value on index!'


Q. What if the golf ball doesn't get into the hole at all?
A. 'Value larger than specified precision!'


Q. What if you try to have fun with somebody else's girlfriend and get kicked out?
A. 'Insufficient privileges on the specified object!'


Q. What if you don't get any response from the girl next door?
A. 'No data found!' or ' Query caused no rows retrieved !'


Q. What if you get response from the girl next door and her Mom too?
A. 'SELECT INTO returns too many rows!'


Q. What if you dial a wrong number?
A. 'Invalid number' or ' Object doesn't exist!'


Q. What if you try to beat your own trumpet?
A. 'Object is found mutating!'


Q. What if you are too late to office and the boss catches you?
A. 'Discrete transaction failed!'


Q. What if you see 'theatre full' when you go to a movie?
A. 'Maximum number of users exceeded!'


Q. What if you don't get table in the lunch room?
A. 'System out of tablespace!'
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Jigar
Maximum Gerbil
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Mon Oct 22, 2007 4:07 am

A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled.

The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man.

"No way! No needles! I hate needles!" the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects. "I can't do the gas thing - the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!"

The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill. "No,"- the patient says, -"I am fine with pills".

The dentist then returns and says, "Here is a Viagara tablet."

The patient says, "Wow - I didn't know Viagara worked as a pain pill!"

"It doesn't,"- said the dentist -"but it will give you something to hold onto when I pull out your tooth."
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Jigar
Maximum Gerbil
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Mon Oct 22, 2007 4:55 am

Charlie was responsible for taking up the offerings at a local church. One Sunday, after the service, the priest counted the money and found there was less than anticipated, given the size of the congregation. He took Charlie aside and questioned him.

Charlie said that he did not take any of the offerings.


The priest questioned him again and again and Charlie continued to insist that he did not take any of the offerings. So, the priest told Charlie to get into the confessional, which he did.

The priest then asked him again, " Charlie, did you take any of the offering?" This time, Charlie replied, "I can't hear you."


The priest asked Charlie the same question several times and Charlie would always reply, "I can't hear you."

Finally, the priest yelled, "CHARLIE, DID YOU TAKE ANY OF THE OFFERING?"

Again, the reply was, " I can't hear you."


The priest was now beginning to get angry, so he came out of the confessional and said to Charlie, "Trade places with me and you can ask me a question."

So, they traded places and Charlie asked, "Is it true that you and my wife are having an affair?"


To which the priest replied, "By golly, you're right, you can't hear in here!"
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Jigar
Maximum Gerbil
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Thu Oct 25, 2007 4:39 am

A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to give birth. The doctor told them that he'd developed a new machine and asked if they'd like to try it.


The machine would take some of the woman's pain away and give it to the father thereby easing the mothers burden.


The couple thought it was a good idea and agreed to give it a try. The Doc set it on 10% to begin with, telling the man that 10% was still probably more pain than he had ever felt.


The man was surprised at how little pain he was feeling and asked for it to be increased. The doctor turned it up to 20% with the same results. This trend continued until the machine was set at 100%.


After the delivery both mother and father felt fine. The wife was relieved at having an almost painless labor and the father was still amazed at how little pain was actually involved. Later, when they took the baby home, they found the mailman dead on their doorstep .
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Jigar
Maximum Gerbil
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Mon Oct 29, 2007 4:47 am

One night a guy dropped his girlfriend at her home.

As they were about to wish each other goodnight at the front door, the guy started feeling a little in the mood.

With an air of confidence, he leaned with his hand against the wall and smiling, he said to her "Honey, would you give me a kiss?"

Horrified, she replied, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" He asked grinning at her.

"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"

"Oh come on!

There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!".

"No way, it's just too risky!"

"Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?".

"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!".

"Oh yes you can. Please?"

"No, no. I just can't" "I'm begging you ... "

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs went on, and

The girl's elder sister showed up in her pajamas, hair dishevelled, And in a sleepy voice she said,

"Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss, or I can do it. Or if need Be, mom says she can come down herself and do it, but for God's sake and all of ours....

TELL HIM TO TAKE HIS HAND OFF THE DOOR BELL ........
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OsakaJ
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Topic Author
Posts: 773
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Location: South Carolina, USA

Tue Dec 04, 2007 12:49 pm

John the farmer was in the fertilized-egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets", and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs (for you city folks).

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, and a very fine specimen he was, too. But on one particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate.

The ot her roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He would sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result . . The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
 
Captain Ned
Global Moderator
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Re: Post your jokes here!

Tue Feb 05, 2008 10:56 pm

Just got this via e-mail:

Here is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

The winners are:

1. Cashtration: The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an jerk.
3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone: The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. InocuIatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
12. Karmageddon: It's when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes, and it's a serious bummer.
13. Decafalon: The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
14. Glibido: All talk and no action.
15. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
17. Beelzebug: Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
18. Caterpallor: The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

1. coffee, n. the person upon whom one coughs.
2. flabbergasted, adj. appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. abdicate, v. to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. esplanade, v. to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. willy-nilly, adj. impotent.
6. negligent, adj. absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. lymph, v. to walk with a lisp.
8. gargoyle, n. olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. flatulence, n. emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. balderdash, n. a rapidly receding hairline.
11. testicle, n. a humorous question on an exam.
12. rectitude, n. the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. pokemon, n. a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. oyster, n. a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. the belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. circumvent, n. an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
What we have today is way too much pluribus and not enough unum.
 
Captain Ned
Global Moderator
Posts: 28704
Joined: Wed Jan 16, 2002 7:00 pm
Location: Vermont, USA

Re: Post your jokes here!

Tue Feb 12, 2008 11:12 pm

http://iowahawk.typepad.com/bolus/2008/ ... gmans.html

The Dukes of Hazzard re-imagined as an Ingmar Bergman movie. The General Sundqvist '69 Volvo is a great idea.
What we have today is way too much pluribus and not enough unum.
 
mafropetee
Graphmaster Gerbil
Posts: 1235
Joined: Fri Sep 01, 2006 7:10 pm
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Re: Post your jokes here!

Wed Feb 13, 2008 8:09 am

A geek was on an internet tech forum and went into one of the threads titled "Post your jokes here!" He then proceeded to tell one of the many lame jokes to a popular girl he likes.

... they are now married with two kids.
"Here we stand at the threshold of paradise, stealing a new world. I never would have thought our place in history would come to this, but we are infinite. We are one."
-Spencer Sotelo
 
derFunkenstein
Gerbil God
Posts: 25427
Joined: Fri Feb 21, 2003 9:13 pm
Location: Comin' to you directly from the Mothership

Re: Post your jokes here!

Fri Feb 29, 2008 2:06 pm

The 10 things your IT guy wants you to know

1. If you ask me technical questions please don’t argue with me because you don’t like my answer. If you think you know more about the topic, why ask? And if I’m arguing with you…it’s because I am positive that I am correct, otherwise I’d just say “I don’t know” or give you some tips on where to look it up, I don’t have the time to just argue for the sake of it.

2. Starting a conversation by insulting yourself (i.e. “I’m such an idiot”) will not make me laugh, or feel sorry for you; all it will do is remind me that yes, you are an idiot and that I am going to hate having to talk to you. Trust me; you don’t want to start a call that way.

3. I am ok with you making mistakes, fixing them is my job. I am not ok with you lying to me about a mistake you made. It makes it much harder to resolve and thus makes my job more difficult. Be honest and we can get the problem resolved and continue on with our business.

4. There is no magic “Fix it” button. Everything takes some amount of work to fix, and not everything is worth fixing or even possible to fix. If I say that you just need to re-do a document that you accidentally deleted 2 months ago, please don’t get mad at me. I’m not ignoring your problem, and it’s not that I don’t like you, I just cant always fix everything.

5. Not everything you ask me to do is “urgent”. In fact, by marking things as “urgent” every time, you almost ensure that I treat none of it as a priority.

6. You are not the only one who needs help, and you usually don’t have the most urgent issue. Give me some time to get to your problem, it will get fixed.

7. Emailing me several times about the same issue in the same day is not only unnecessary, it’s highly annoying. Emails will stay until I delete them, I won’t delete them until I’m done with them. I will typically respond as soon as I have a useful update. If it is an urgent issue, let me know (see number 5).

8. Yes, I prefer email over telephone calls. It has nothing to do with being friendly, it’s about efficiency. It is much faster and easier for me to list out a set of questions that I need you to answer than it is for me to call and ask you them one by one. You can find the answers at your leisure and while I’m waiting I can work on other problems.

9. Yes, I seem blunt and rude. It’s not that I mean to, I just don’t have the time to sugar coat things for you. I assume we are both adults and can handle the reality of a problem. If you did something wrong, I will tell you. I don’t care that it was a mistake, because it really makes no difference to me. Don’t take it personal, I just don’t want it to happen again.

10. And finally, yes, I can read your email, I can see what web pages you look at while you are at work, yes, I can access every file on your work computer, and I can tell if you are chatting with people on an instant messenger or chat room (and can also read what you are typing). But no, I don’t do it. It’s unethical, I’m busy, and in all reality you aren’t all that interesting. So unless I am instructed to specifically monitor or investigate your actions, I don’t. There really are much more interesting things on the internet than you.
I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.
Twittering away the day at @TVsBen
 
Usacomp2k3
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Re: Post your jokes here!

Fri Feb 29, 2008 2:10 pm

Those aren't jokes, those are true. Very true!

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