Feds uncover illegal Santa ring

— 11:58 AM on December 23, 1999

The Federal Government has been busy this winter. The largest racketeering bust of its kind in U.S. history was announced today. 34 people were arrested and evidence was confiscated. The Onion covers the investigation with this story. The accused are scheduled to appear before a federal magistrate on Jan. 15. All were charged with first-degree racketeering and other various charges.

According to Lester Long, a freelance criminal profiler and analyst, cracking a Secret Santa ring is difficult, because "the key to Secret Santaism is anonymity."

"The ring members commence their operations by writing their names on small scraps of paper, then surreptitiously placing the scraps in a hat or a small bucket or tin," Long said. "Then, each member quietly draws a single name and does not divulge who this person is to anyone. Nor does this member know who drew out his or her own name. Everyone is sworn to total silence and secrecy. This means participants are able to cover their tracks and protect each other's identity."

This kind of positive news about the Federal Government comes at a good time, since many U.S. citizens will be quite frustrated during the coming tax season.
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