Volunteering for assimilation

If you are currently seated, please remain so. If you are standing, please find a suitable cushioned object upon which to rest your weary bum. If you're lying in a prone position, eww. Now then, I realize this may come as a bit of a shock to those of you who assume that I'm nothing more than a paid shill for The Turtlenecked Wonder, but I do not own an iPhone.

I'll pause briefly so that you may squeegee the nasal-flung baptismal Dew from your monitor.

Now, the reasons for my still not owning an iPhone nearly two years after its initial release are myriad. Assuming "myriad" means "three." First, when the iPhone was first released, I still had 14 wonderful months left on my T-Mobile contract. Sure, numerous people paid an early termination fee and switched to AT&T&A just to enjoy the sweet EDGE transfer speeds of the original iPhone un3G. Some of these people may even have been, like me, self-employed and experiencing the joys of spasmodic cash flow. None, however, were (or are, as far as I can tell) married to my wife. This is not a complaint. My wife keeps me from doing all manner of stupid things, even if said stupid thing would be to own a shiny iPhone while the Department of Child Service hauls off our tots for making them fight gladiator-style over the last can of Spaghetti-O's. Also, did I mention I'm married to Megan Fox?

Second, by the time my T-Mobile contract expired, the iPhone 3G had been out long enough that the lines at the Apple Store I saw over lunchtime were formed by other people on their lunch breaks. Sadly, I was in a cash flow trough at that moment. And not a trough filled with unmarked, tax-free hundreds. Just a trough overflowing with unsweetened bupkis.

So the wait continued.

Third, once 2009 rolled around, I knew I would be a fool to get an iPhone 3G. After all, a new iPhone would undoubtedly be released in June or July, right? And if I'd already waited 18 months to have such a suave cellular beast to call my own, what was a few more months? In the interim, I could research what case to buy, which apps to download and which Blackberry-clinging friends to taunt first, assuming said iPhone purchase ever actually happened. I don't think anyone's going to suffer much taunting from the owner of a Samsung T629, even if it does have a fully unlocked version of Midnight Pool.

Apple's Worldwide Developers Conference (WWDC) begins in less than a week, on June 8. The release of a new iPhone during this week will shock absolutely no one. Although I'm sure Wes Moss will pop up on YouTube to inform us that the true cost of this new model will be $50,000 and a virginesque goat. The new iPhone will, of course, sport the new 3.0 OS along with rumored features like a camera with actual focus, magnetometers and a working light saber (for a $4.99 monthly usage charge). Cool stuff abounds.

I just wish it were coming out this week.

See, while all the cool geeks are trying to keep their heads from exploding Scanners-style inside Moscone West, this geek will be a few hundred miles to the south in San Diego. That's right, we're voluntarily taking two 16-month-olds onto a flying metal tube and winging it to southern California (motto: Spare a Quarter? A Nickel? Fine! Screw You, Buddy!) for a vacation with my wife's family. And if a non-MacGruber-situation ever called for an iPhone, this is it.

With iPhones (because Megan Fox deserves an iPhone, too, duh) we could:

  • Easily entertain our kiddos on the flight with ripped versions of "Baby Signing Time" instead of trying to distract them with the SkyMall catalog. A diversion that generally only works on daddy.

  • Use the GPS to find our way from the airport to the hotel to the zoo to Disneyland to Legoland to the liquor store to Bennigan's, etc. Instead, I'll be schlepping along a three-year-old Magellan with maps that may have been drawn up during the gold rush. But if we get lost, at least we'll be in a sweet rental minivan. Unless the Obama administration has already confiscated them all and replaced them with U-Haul-towing Segways.

  • Get email. Duh.

  • Annoyingly update my Facebook status every 30 seconds while standing in line for Mr. Toad's Fairly Tame Ride of Sleepiness. Samples: "I can't believe that woman's Spandex is holding." "Sweet mother of pearl on a stick, she's bending over." "My eyes! My eyes! They burn!"

  • Use the light saber to ward off roving gangs of bankrupt municipal employees.

Instead, I will be forced to engage my family in bonding activities like spit-up removal and Shamu staring. I had considered going ahead and getting a current iPhone and then returning it for a new one before the 30-day trail period is up. But that just seems like a lot of effort, and I'm sure I'd somehow end up getting hosed in the process. And not in a good way.

For now, I'm just going to peruse the App Store and dream the impossible dream. But if I spot a uSpitBGone app for under $4.99, I'm making a beeline for the mall.



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