Volunteering for assimilation

If you are currently seated, please remain so. If you are standing, please find a suitable cushioned object upon which to rest your weary bum. If you’re lying in a prone position, eww. Now then, I realize this may come as a bit of a shock to those of you who assume that I’m nothing more than a paid shill for The Turtlenecked Wonder, but I do not own an iPhone.

I’ll pause briefly so that you may squeegee the nasal-flung baptismal Dew from your monitor.

Now, the reasons for my still not owning an iPhone nearly two years after its initial release are myriad. Assuming “myriad” means “three.” First, when the iPhone was first released, I still had 14 wonderful months left on my T-Mobile contract. Sure, numerous people paid an early termination fee and switched to AT&T&A just to enjoy the sweet EDGE transfer speeds of the original iPhone un3G. Some of these people may even have been, like me, self-employed and experiencing the joys of spasmodic cash flow. None, however, were (or are, as far as I can tell) married to my wife. This is not a complaint. My wife keeps me from doing all manner of stupid things, even if said stupid thing would be to own a shiny iPhone while the Department of Child Service hauls off our tots for making them fight gladiator-style over the last can of Spaghetti-O’s. Also, did I mention I’m married to Megan Fox?

Second, by the time my T-Mobile contract expired, the iPhone 3G had been out long enough that the lines at the Apple Store I saw over lunchtime were formed by other people on their lunch breaks. Sadly, I was in a cash flow trough at that moment. And not a trough filled with unmarked, tax-free hundreds. Just a trough overflowing with unsweetened bupkis.

So the wait continued.

Third, once 2009 rolled around, I knew I would be a fool to get an iPhone 3G. After all, a new iPhone would undoubtedly be released in June or July, right? And if I’d already waited 18 months to have such a suave cellular beast to call my own, what was a few more months? In the interim, I could research what case to buy, which apps to download and which Blackberry-clinging friends to taunt first, assuming said iPhone purchase ever actually happened. I don’t think anyone’s going to suffer much taunting from the owner of a Samsung T629, even if it does have a fully unlocked version of Midnight Pool.

Apple’s Worldwide Developers Conference (WWDC) begins in less than a week, on June 8. The release of a new iPhone during this week will shock absolutely no one. Although I’m sure Wes Moss will pop up on YouTube to inform us that the true cost of this new model will be $50,000 and a virginesque goat. The new iPhone will, of course, sport the new 3.0 OS along with rumored features like a camera with actual focus, magnetometers and a working light saber (for a $4.99 monthly usage charge). Cool stuff abounds.

I just wish it were coming out this week.

See, while all the cool geeks are trying to keep their heads from exploding Scanners-style inside Moscone West, this geek will be a few hundred miles to the south in San Diego. That’s right, we’re voluntarily taking two 16-month-olds onto a flying metal tube and winging it to southern California (motto: Spare a Quarter? A Nickel? Fine! Screw You, Buddy!) for a vacation with my wife’s family. And if a non-MacGruber-situation ever called for an iPhone, this is it.

With iPhones (because Megan Fox deserves an iPhone, too, duh) we could:

  • Easily entertain our kiddos on the flight with ripped versions of “Baby Signing Time” instead of trying to distract them with the SkyMall catalog. A diversion that generally only works on daddy.
  • Use the GPS to find our way from the airport to the hotel to the zoo to Disneyland to Legoland to the liquor store to Bennigan’s, etc. Instead, I’ll be schlepping along a three-year-old Magellan with maps that may have been drawn up during the gold rush. But if we get lost, at least we’ll be in a sweet rental minivan. Unless the Obama administration has already confiscated them all and replaced them with U-Haul-towing Segways.
  • Get email. Duh.
  • Annoyingly update my Facebook status every 30 seconds while standing in line for Mr. Toad’s Fairly Tame Ride of Sleepiness. Samples: “I can’t believe that woman’s Spandex is holding.” “Sweet mother of pearl on a stick, she’s bending over.” “My eyes! My eyes! They burn!”
  • Use the light saber to ward off roving gangs of bankrupt municipal employees.

Instead, I will be forced to engage my family in bonding activities like spit-up removal and Shamu staring. I had considered going ahead and getting a current iPhone and then returning it for a new one before the 30-day trail period is up. But that just seems like a lot of effort, and I’m sure I’d somehow end up getting hosed in the process. And not in a good way.

For now, I’m just going to peruse the App Store and dream the impossible dream. But if I spot a uSpitBGone app for under $4.99, I’m making a beeline for the mall.

Later,

Fox

Comments closed
    • Usacomp2k3
    • 10 years ago

    Time to check out the 3GS, my friend.

      • Heiwashin
      • 10 years ago

      As a late reply, the iphone has it’s own plan disregarding that of normal smartphone plans. And the plans starting cost is 60$ with those exact specs.

    • Pax-UX
    • 10 years ago

    My phone replacement policy is get a new one when the old one breaks. To me it’s a tool for communication, nothing more. I have an iTouch which servers me well and that’s about as close as I’ll get to owning an iPhone.

    The next phone I’ll buy will need to have VoIP, I don’t care if that means using a WiFi and not 3G. The days of paying for long distance is over in my world. I, IM most people now and don’t use a phone, it’s been pretty much relegated to a tool for business.

    • BoBzeBuilder
    • 10 years ago

    Wait for the new iPod. It does everything the iPhone does (except… phone), for less $$$. Plus no monthly fees. I have my $0 cheapass phone with a cheapass plan + iPod Touch and couldn’t be happier.

    • neoanderthal
    • 10 years ago

    I finally broke down and got an iPhone for myself earlier this year. I picked up a used 1g iPhone from a co-worker (do contract employees have co-workers if they’re the only contract employee among the masses of salaried and hourly employees at a company? I’m not sure how to define the relationship except for ‘me and them’) who’d upgraded to a 3g. It’s a decent phone, but I still grit my teeth at the monthly cost of phone + data. Granted, I gritted my teeth over the phone + data with my hated Blackberry, so that’s nothing new. I was already inured against trauma from using EDGE, since that was what I had with the BB as well.
    It’s pretty damned handy, and for the most part I enjoy it. I don’t sit gabbing on a phone all day with one of those retarded spock-style bluetooth earpieces, so I am probably not the best source for determining call quality, but it is good enough for me. I actually prefer the email client on the iPhone over the BB, but I don’t use my email like an IM client, so YMMV.
    I dunno. I like it well enough to smash the Blackberry with a hammer (as I’d always threatened it, but could never do), but I use it more as a mobile internet device than as a phone, so who knows whether you’d feel the same way.

    • nerdrage
    • 10 years ago

    Being a luddite, I still don’t have a cell. But if Apple were to offer the iPhone without AT&T&A, I would have to seriously consider getting one.

    • SPOOFE
    • 10 years ago

    /[

    • MixedPower
    • 10 years ago

    You could get an Ipod Touch and sell it on ebay when you’re done with it. Of course you’d have to have Wifi access to get online and it wouldn’t have a real GPS system, but if you can get around those issues it may be worth it.

      • Jason_Fox
      • 10 years ago

      I’ve considered that. My only issues are the wifi only allowing part-time connectivity, and the fact that I don’t have room in my pockets for another device. No, really. I have my phone in one pocket and an insulin pump in the other. So what I really need with an iPhone with a pump app.

    • Usacomp2k3
    • 10 years ago

    My biggest reason is the monthly cost. Do people really swing the $90/month for a single phone? I just can’t swallow that at all. That’s over $1000/year for a device. I could buy a netbook, a brand-new GPS with traffic (a requirement, IMHO), a new Zune HD (when they come out) and still save money.

      • Heiwashin
      • 10 years ago

      Which plan are you referring too, the cheapest plan which includes unlimited text and data is 60$ monthly.

        • tanker27
        • 10 years ago

        Or if you are lucky enough to have a grandfathered plan with ala Cingular you are set…..well except for the 5 bucks more for unlimited text but still my family plan of 2 phones and unlimited data is only 45 bucks a month. About once a month AT&T calls and begs me to change plans. I think this month I will say, “I will change plans but here is what youre goanna do for me, I want the newest iphone in the color of my choosing.” If not I will stick with my grandfathered plan that probably is costing them more than the cost of a new iPhone. 😉

        • ew
        • 10 years ago

        Plus $25 for taxes and fees. I have the cheapest plan plus an %18 discount and it is still $70. Also text is not included in the cheapest plan. (it was for the old iPhone)

        • Usacomp2k3
        • 10 years ago

        I just priced it out:
        Plan: Nation 450 w/Rollover® Minutes $39.99
        Features: Data Plan for iPhone 3G $30.00
        iPhone Text Messaging Unlimited $20.00

        That’s exactly $90. That’s also the least amount of voice minutes, but unlimited text.

      • ludi
      • 10 years ago

      Ya need to look at it in terms of what your total communications services outlay is each month, and whether you get the use and/or have any unnecessary duplication. In my case, the LL/DSL bill is $65/mo, including taxes, for basic services across the board. My AT&T GoPhone cellular bill is $33/mo, including taxes, for basic prepaid phone usage. Overlooking the Roommate Factor which sometimes reduces my expense on the LL/DSL bill, the total outlay is $98/mo.

      If I wanted to use a handheld device as my primary Internet connection and give up having the LL backup, a $90/mo cellular bill that covered everything would not be unreasonable, especially if I wanted the additional features such as GPS.

      Now, if I were paying $90/mo on a cellular plan, and $105/mo for a complete digital cable/phone/Internet plan, and throwing down another $90/mo at the movie theater, then yeah, it’s possible I need to reprioritize how much communications and entertainment media I really need to access, and eliminate some of the duplication.

        • Usacomp2k3
        • 10 years ago

        Well for those of us that have a family, $90 for a cell phone for one person really isn’t going to swing when there will need to be internet at the house, preferably TV at the house, and cell phone’s for each of us.

    • IntelMole
    • 10 years ago

    I have apparently been reading this site for some time, because the first thing to come to mind was:

    “Less AT&T&A, more AT&T&L”

      • derFunkenstein
      • 10 years ago

      That’s OK, I read the title as “volunteering for ass-simulation”

    • ludi
    • 10 years ago

    This blog post: Yet another fine reason why TR is 63% better for you than the next leading review site.

    • DrDillyBar
    • 10 years ago

    After a time, you may find that having a thing is not so pleasurable as wanting it. It is not logical, but it is often true.

      • glacius555
      • 10 years ago

      True. I keep wanting a certain girl and after I bing her, I suddenly realize that she wasn’t the one I’m looking for;)

        • indeego
        • 10 years ago

        Did you try her Alta-Sisterg{

      • KyleSTL
      • 10 years ago

      Often true. I find myself purusing Newegg, Crutchfield, etc the very day I receive a package containing a shiny object. Mmmm, shiny. It’s like laundry, you can catch up for a moment, but you’ll never stay caught up. There’s always something new to buy/do.

      • Jason_Fox
      • 10 years ago

      Well, sure. I’ve found that to be true in many instances and think I’ve grown past that point in my life. I don’t think it will be the case with the iPhone. I want one and will actually use it as more of a mobile Mac than a phone. Aside from a StarTac (which is still the best phone I’ve ever had), I’ve always gone with the free phones the carriers offer. Why? Because I’ve never had an urge to use my phone for anything other than talking to people. Until now. Plus, I can deduct part of it. Of course, if the new iPhone isn’t a fair leap ahead of the 3G, I might just get a jailbroken 3G and stick with T-Mobile. A buddy of mine had to do that when he moved to a place with no AT&T coverage.

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