The MacHole Christmas gift giver's guide 2009

Today is Sunday, November 29, 2009. Although we are two days past Black Friday, we do not call today Black Sunday. That moniker is reserved for a sweet John Frankenheimer film from 1977 in which terrorists attack the Super Bowl with the Goodyear blimp. Really.

Anyway, 'tis the season for pundits of all stripes to offer their 2009 Christmas gift guides. Of course, no one will dare call them "Christmas gift guides" for fear of offending the Druids. Not I. I believe the best defense is being offensive. Similarly, I'm not going to offer advice on what Mac-centric (or Centris) items you should purloin for the undeserving relatives and/or pimps on your list. Because Christmas isn't about giving Uncle Larry a spangling new iPod shuffle and watching him struggle for hours just to turn it on (well, it might be little bit about that); no, Christmas is about what you can give strange bloggers who bring nothing but joy or at least a chance to make a tool of yourself in the comments section several times throughout the year. Specifically, for the Windows 3.1 hangers-on out there, this strange blogger.

A couple of notes. First, asking for a new system is a bit obvious. Of course you'll get me a new system. Probably two, actually, since having both a Mac Pro and MacBook Pro is quite handy. Second, I assume many of you are independently wealthy given the amount time you have dedicated to questioning my sexuality, so I've set no limits on prices.

Jason's 2009 MacHole Christmas Gift Guide of What Gifts to Give Jason, Vol. I

Item: Magic Mouse
Manufacturer: Apple
MSRP: $69.99

I finally got a chance to sample Apple's new Magic Mouse at a Best Buy on Black Friday. (I went at 3 p.m. when the store was relatively busy, but not violent. Well, not any more than usual.) I must say, it's very nice. If you have the means, I highly recommend picking one up. For me. Despite many people's claims that the mouse is too shallow for comfortable use, I found the size to be a non-issue. Even for my creepy, spindly phalanges. The scroll-by-swipe was smooth and everything just seemed to work, which is always nifty. Only disappointment: the mouse refused to cast a cloaking spell around a 52" Samsung LED LCD I was hoping to take home. You know, for review purposes.

Item: 30-inch Cinema Display
Manufacturer: Apple
MSRP: $1799

I'm still rocking a 17-inch Hitachi 4:3 flat screen from 2003. Max resolution? 1280 x 1024. Sure, I've got it hooked up to my MacBook Pro so I've got two monitors, but still. Lamer than your boss at open mic night. So hook me up, yo. I know there are cheaper 30-inchers out there. Maybe even a couple that would compete with or even beat this display. But as long as I'm spending your money, why not? And why not throw in a $265 Targus privacy filter, too? Keep those prying eyes from HR away from my YTMND creations.

Item: iPod Socks
Manufacturer: Apple
MSRP: $29

I don't want these for my iPod. Or even to attempt putting on cats for what would assuredly be a YouTube smash. No, I want the Rainbow Coalition of cotton blends for one simple reason: They make outstanding homemade blackjacks.

Item: Quarters
Manufacturer: U.S. Mint
MSRP: $50

For the aforementioned socks. I know some of you might be tempted to substitute nickels or even fifty-cent pieces, to which I say, feel free. As long as you don't mind discovering why I prefer quarters.

Item: Twelfth Anniversary Twentieth Anniversary Mac
Manufacturer: Apple and Whatsyername
MSRP: About $800 on eBay plus the cost of a Bedazzler

Don't just get me an underperforming (for the time), overpriced (even now) piece of Macintosh history – make it sparkle! It's been 12 years since the TAM appeared to collective gasps of WTF back when "WTF" still meant "why two frijoles?" If you're feeling jaunty, go nuts and replace its guts with the i7 iMac's innards. Might need a few more fans.

Item: Mercury Rack Pro Quad Interface 8TB 1U Selectable RAID
Manufacturer: Other World Computing
MSRP: $1,999

Screw it. I'm done buying a new hard drive every so often as needs accrue. I want something that'll last me at least until 2013, is stupid fast, has a bunch of interfaces I'll never use, has vaguely pornographic-sounding "hot swappable" drives and gives me an excuse to buy an aging rack from Gus's Used PCs & RCs. I've bought a lot of gear from OWC through the years and now I'm giving you the privilege of continuing that patronage.

Item: Steve Jobs's Liver
Manufacturer: The Lord
MSRP: Whatever the dude with the cooler will take

Don't forget the fava beans and a nice Chianti.

Well, there you go, my personal Kris Kringles. Of course, assorted bits of RAM, lasers and VR systems are always welcome. Just don't go all Burgermeister Meisterburger on me. Remember, I'm deadly with a sock.



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