Steve Jobs channels Doug Henning

So, there you go. The iPad. It’s big, yet thin. Sleek, yet functional. A giant iPod touch, yet not a giant iPhone. Shiny, yet without an oily t-zone. But above all else, the new iPad is Magical.

Like a leprechaun inappropriately riding a unicorn. Or like a wizard casting a +10 firecrotch spell. Or like Canadian bong enthusiast/illusionist Doug Henning. Except not dead.

How do I know the iPad is Magical? Because Steve Jobs, Phil Schiller, and Jonathan Ive told me so during the iPad’s unveiling yesterday. Repeatedly. And then sent me spam about it being Magical. Repeatedly.

So, by Jove, the iPad must be Magical. Which means I will buy one. Because if it’s Magical, it will no doubt cure my busted pancreas. And that’s worth 500 bones to me. Heck, I’ll even spring for the 64GB 3G version if it means I can carbo-load on Dunkin Donuts without cranking up the insulin pump.

Semi-seriously, the iPad seems like a nifty enough device. I’d surely take one if someone gave one to me. Will I buy one? Ehhh, I dunno. I’m sure it’s handier to use for a lot of basic stuff—especially web fun—than my MacBook Pro whilst lounging on the divan. And the prices are pretty nifty, although the $130 bump for a 3G radio seems a tad much. It’d be quite handy for watching movies on a plane. And by "plane" I mean "commode."

But Magical? I’m afraid that’s just an illusion.

Later,

Fox

Comments closed
    • hermanshermit
    • 10 years ago

    /[

    • The Dark One
    • 10 years ago

    As long as you call it an illusion. Franklin would have your ass if you started talking about ‘tricks’.

    • PainIs4ThaWeak
    • 10 years ago

    Fox, I STILL hate you. lol. j/k – Quite a funny read!

    • bentbent
    • 10 years ago

    IPad makes the HP Slate look and sound good.

      • jstern
      • 10 years ago

      Judging from the comments that I have read people were underwhelmed by the HP Slate, but right after the Ipad was introduced, people love it and need to have it.

        • Tamale
        • 10 years ago

        the archos 7 with android is even more drool-worthy

    • blubje
    • 10 years ago

    it’s not just the 3g, it also has things like gps.

      • Usacomp2k3
      • 10 years ago

      It doesn’t have gps.

        • shaq_mobile
        • 10 years ago

        lol shutdown.

    • designerfx
    • 10 years ago

    it gets better. they’re trying to sell it now as a “great board game device”. Really. story was on slashdot. disappointing to say the least. It’s just a miss of a device, apple. learn, redesign, move on, and make it more compelling. sheesh.

    • Thresher
    • 10 years ago

    Amazing reference. I wonder how many of TR’s readers remember Doug Henning.

    Bonus points if you can work in a Shields and Yarnell or Mummenschanz reference into the next comment.

    • 5150
    • 10 years ago

    Curt Henning kicks way more ass. Er, did.

      • derFunkenstein
      • 10 years ago

      That’s Curt Hennig. No third N.

    • dustyjamessutton
    • 10 years ago

    Does it guarantee 100% birth control success? Cause my girlfriend keeps dropping hints on me.

      • sweatshopking
      • 10 years ago

      no but i can.ill send her a pic of my ugly mug, then she’ll be turned off men forever.

    • anotherengineer
    • 10 years ago

    that guy looks like a porn star or an ex-porn star lol

      • darc
      • 10 years ago

      He looks like Tony Iommi’s less-angsty kid brother.

    • MadManOriginal
    • 10 years ago

    It is magical – magical at transferring money from sheeple to Apple.

      • derFunkenstein
      • 10 years ago

      it’s magically delicious!

        • riquee
        • 10 years ago

        It’s magically absorbent.

      • Anonymous Coward
      • 10 years ago

      That’s not even witty.

        • Byte Storm
        • 10 years ago

        But it is correct.

          • derFunkenstein
          • 10 years ago

          that’s debatable.

    • derFunkenstein
    • 10 years ago

    Why did you use a picture of Dennis Eckersley?

    • Kulith
    • 10 years ago

    If it’s any comfort, I’m sure the 10 hour battery life was measured using an underclocked cpu, dimmed display, and 0 running processes.

      • WillBach
      • 10 years ago

      Source? I’m curious to find out what the video playback time is.

        • khands
        • 10 years ago

        12 minutes

        • derFunkenstein
        • 10 years ago

        According to the Apple specs (which is all we’ll get until the device actually ships) it’s 10 hours of wifi, video, or music. Which makes me think the screen doesn’t shut off if it’s playing music.

          • KoolAidMan
          • 10 years ago

          They quoted something like 140 hours of music with the screen shut off. As you said, we’ll know for sure once its out and reviewed.

            • shaq_mobile
            • 10 years ago

            140 hours? that seems unreal. id be impressed if it was 36 hours. my zune only does about 16 if i dont turn it off or light up the screen a bunch.

      • spartus4
      • 10 years ago

      Steve said in the keynote that he could fly from San Fransisco to Tokyo and watch video the whole way. I think he took to many pain killers before the keynote.

        • Convert
        • 10 years ago

        Yeah really, Steve can’t fly.

          • Voldenuit
          • 10 years ago

          Only Fry can fly. Does walking on sunshine count (Oooh oooh)?

        • MadManOriginal
        • 10 years ago

        Maybe he means on his Global Express XRS cruising at Mach .80-.85.

    • steelcity_ballin
    • 10 years ago

    Typo in next to last sentence.

      • sigher
      • 10 years ago

      “Next to last”? That makes no sense

        • Anomymous Gerbil
        • 10 years ago

        You need to get out more.

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