A preview of the reviews for the iPhone 5

This Wednesday (September 12, 2012), Apple will announce the new iPhone. Probably called the iPhone 5, but possibly the iPhone Rambo: 4S Part II. Note how they can only announce the new iPhone as it has already been unveiled, part by obscure part, over the last few months. So many parts have leaked that the folks at iFixit.com have managed to assemble a non-working mockup from actual parts, assuming those parts are genuine. Since the cobbled-together phone—code name: Voltron—doesn't make Jeremy Lin's hand look normal-sized, I'm guessing it's not a Samsung Nexus Galaxy T IV prototype.

Due to Apple's naming scheme (which is really no wackier than those of other electronics manufacturers, let alone car companies like BMW), this is actually the sixth iPhone model to emerge from the bowels of Jony Ive. Eww. So we've been through five previous iPhone hoedowns in the vicinity of Fourth and Howard Streets in lovely San Francisco. Which means we've been treated to five rounds of reviewers, revilers, and some other pundit type that starts with "r" praising or bemoaning the latest from Cupertino. (Full disclosure: I actually live on Cupertino Trail. I have yet to mistakenly receive Tim Cook's stock options in the mail.) With that in mind, here's what you can expect to read on Wednesday. Or not if you consider this preview good enough. Because "good enough" is always worth striving for.

Apple itself
Every article about new Apple hardware includes at least one quote from the presentation. In the past, this was nearly always a quote from Steve Jobs. Now said quote(s) can come from any number of presenters, all of whom I easily confuse because they appear to be dressed two levels hipper than they are the rest of their lives. Except Ive, who somehow manages to kill his own ostriches for their hides, but makes the ensuing boots, jackets and, yes, chaps eco-friendly. It's magical. Of course, "magical" may be this presentation's most over-used word, much like it was when the iPad was introduced. I hope they've chosen a new buzzword or phrase, though. Something akin to "it's like holding the Tesseract without the possibility of Scarlett Johansson killing you even though that'd be pretty awesome, too." But shorter. Anyway, here are a few blurbs you can reasonably expect to hear from Tim, Phil, Jony, et al. about how holding the new iPhone almost makes them feel a bit naughty:

Phil Schiller: "It's a radical redesign of the iPhone that's set to revolutionize the market yet again in ways only someone who's experienced a revolution can truly understand. Like George Washington."

Jony Ive: "It's a beautiful, revolutionary-yet-evolutionary redesign that brings cutting-edge design to the masses who don't really understand design except when they hold something this well-designed in their hobbit paws."

Scott Forstall: "While the new iPhone hardware is transformative in its user experience, the real miracle of magicness lies in iOS 6. This groundbreaking new version of an already groundbreaking operating system will break new ground in the field of groundbreaking technology."

Tim Cook: "Holy Moses, I'm rich."

From those folks generally inclined to like Apple products, you'll be treated to much genuflecting about the new iPhone's slimmer profile, increased screen real estate, probably enhanced battery life, possibly better camera, sorta worldwide 4G compatibility, and its ability to know what evil lurks in the hearts of men. Here are some samples of possible quotes. If someone out there just wants to use these instead of trying to find another synonym for "ZOMG!!!1!!1" on UrbanDictionary.com, feel free. Thief.

Slimmer profile: "The new iPhone seductively slimmer girth reminds one of a post-baby Jessica Simpson, assuming the leaked pictures in "OK! Magazine" are accurate. Though growing a few millimeters taller to accommodate the new 16:9 or :10 screen, the iPhone feels natural in the hand, as if God himself created our four fingers and thumb to hold, protect, and caress this outstanding device. 

Larger screen: "Let the Android crowd have their pocket-puncturing 4.8-inch screens. The new iPhone delivers the visual panache of a mini-IMAX screen without feeling like you're hoisting a DynaTAC to your ear every time the missus calls."

Battery: "I'm happy to report that was able to tether my iPad to my freshly jailbroken iPhone 5 (I got a pre-beta JB app from p0wnster99) for 12 hours before AT&T realized what was going on and shut down my entire U-verse setup. Still had 68% battery life showing."

Camera: "After taking a few sample shots of my 'discreet' tattoo in the mirror, I immediately sold my entire Canon 1D X setup on eBay."

4G: "Putting the latest Qualcomm chip in the new iPhone ensures I'll be able to hate almost every carrier on the planet for years to come without have to switch phones. That's value."

Not everyone belongs to the Cult of iPhone. Some people just don't care what kind of phone they have as long as they can bedazzle it. Others are long-term fans of the command prompt. And some, well, they think Mac and iOS users have been duped by the shininess of Steve's still-strong Reality Distortion Field. This is what you may hear from them:

Slimmer profile: "2004 called and wants it RAZR back."

Larger screen: "It's so cute. Like the maltipoo my WOC girlfriend has. Too bad my GalacticTab George Foreman Grill S 20 blows it away."

Battery: "Whatever. My pre-release Windows Phone can stream Ogg Vorbis files from my Amazon S3 setup for 29 days before it quits in protest of my one Britney song."

Camera: "Call me when it includes a self-portrait auto-tan function like the Arduino cam I just added to my Ascend."

4G: "Already upgraded my Droid to WiFiber."

Personally, I'm excited about the new iPhone. I'm still clutching an increasingly bogged-down 3GS, so any update will feel amazingly magical in my hobbit paw. I'm also glad the new screen size isn't Galaxy-class, as I'd have a hard time keeping such a device in even my most relaxed-fit jeans. But what I'm really hoping is that the pre-paid carriers like Virgin Mobile and Cricket will get the new iPhone at the same time, so I can ditch my current plan. I seriously doubt that will happen. Which means I'll either end up waiting or possibly going with Sprint if I have any hopes of being taken down by ScarJo in the near future. Although I'd probably end up getting double-tapped by a slightly gamy Mark Ruffalo.

Okay, you probably won't see that last bit in a review. But don't you wish you would?



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