A preview of the reviews for the iPhone 5

This Wednesday (September 12, 2012), Apple will announce the new iPhone. Probably called the iPhone 5, but possibly the iPhone Rambo: 4S Part II. Note how they can only announce the new iPhone as it has already been unveiled, part by obscure part, over the last few months. So many parts have leaked that the folks at iFixit.com have managed to assemble a non-working mockup from actual parts, assuming those parts are genuine. Since the cobbled-together phone—code name: Voltron—doesn’t make Jeremy Lin’s hand look normal-sized, I’m guessing it’s not a Samsung Nexus Galaxy T IV prototype.


Due to Apple’s naming scheme (which is really no wackier than those of other electronics manufacturers, let alone car companies like BMW), this is actually the sixth iPhone model to emerge from the bowels of Jony Ive. Eww. So we’ve been through five previous iPhone hoedowns in the vicinity of Fourth and Howard Streets in lovely San Francisco. Which means we’ve been treated to five rounds of reviewers, revilers, and some other pundit type that starts with "r" praising or bemoaning the latest from Cupertino. (Full disclosure: I actually live on Cupertino Trail. I have yet to mistakenly receive Tim Cook’s stock options in the mail.) With that in mind, here’s what you can expect to read on Wednesday. Or not if you consider this preview good enough. Because "good enough" is always worth striving for.

Apple itself

Every article about new Apple hardware includes at least one quote from the presentation. In the past, this was nearly always a quote from Steve Jobs. Now said quote(s) can come from any number of presenters, all of whom I easily confuse because they appear to be dressed two levels hipper than they are the rest of their lives. Except Ive, who somehow manages to kill his own ostriches for their hides, but makes the ensuing boots, jackets and, yes, chaps eco-friendly. It’s magical. Of course, "magical" may be this presentation’s most over-used word, much like it was when the iPad was introduced. I hope they’ve chosen a new buzzword or phrase, though. Something akin to "it’s like holding the Tesseract without the possibility of Scarlett Johansson killing you even though that’d be pretty awesome, too." But shorter. Anyway, here are a few blurbs you can reasonably expect to hear from Tim, Phil, Jony, et al. about how holding the new iPhone almost makes them feel a bit naughty:

Phil Schiller: "It’s a radical redesign of the iPhone that’s set to revolutionize the market yet again in ways only someone who’s experienced a revolution can truly understand. Like George Washington."
Jony Ive: "It’s a beautiful, revolutionary-yet-evolutionary redesign that brings cutting-edge design to the masses who don’t really understand design except when they hold something this well-designed in their hobbit paws."

Scott Forstall: "While the new iPhone hardware is transformative in its user experience, the real miracle of magicness lies in iOS 6. This groundbreaking new version of an already groundbreaking operating system will break new ground in the field of groundbreaking technology."

Tim Cook: "Holy Moses, I’m rich."

Fanboys

From those folks generally inclined to like Apple products, you’ll be treated to much genuflecting about the new iPhone’s slimmer profile, increased screen real estate, probably enhanced battery life, possibly better camera, sorta worldwide 4G compatibility, and its ability to know what evil lurks in the hearts of men. Here are some samples of possible quotes. If someone out there just wants to use these instead of trying to find another synonym for "ZOMG!!!1!!1" on UrbanDictionary.com, feel free. Thief.

Slimmer profile: "The new iPhone seductively slimmer girth reminds one of a post-baby Jessica Simpson, assuming the leaked pictures in "OK! Magazine" are accurate. Though growing a few millimeters taller to accommodate the new 16:9 or :10 screen, the iPhone feels natural in the hand, as if God himself created our four fingers and thumb to hold, protect, and caress this outstanding device. 
Larger screen: "Let the Android crowd have their pocket-puncturing 4.8-inch screens. The new iPhone delivers the visual panache of a mini-IMAX screen without feeling like you’re hoisting a DynaTAC to your ear every time the missus calls."

Battery: "I’m happy to report that was able to tether my iPad to my freshly jailbroken iPhone 5 (I got a pre-beta JB app from p0wnster99) for 12 hours before AT&T realized what was going on and shut down my entire U-verse setup. Still had 68% battery life showing."

Camera: "After taking a few sample shots of my ‘discreet’ tattoo in the mirror, I immediately sold my entire Canon 1D X setup on eBay."

4G: "Putting the latest Qualcomm chip in the new iPhone ensures I’ll be able to hate almost every carrier on the planet for years to come without have to switch phones. That’s value."

Haters

Not everyone belongs to the Cult of iPhone. Some people just don’t care what kind of phone they have as long as they can bedazzle it. Others are long-term fans of the command prompt. And some, well, they think Mac and iOS users have been duped by the shininess of Steve’s still-strong Reality Distortion Field. This is what you may hear from them:

Slimmer profile: "2004 called and wants it RAZR back."
Larger screen: "It’s so cute. Like the maltipoo my WOC girlfriend has. Too bad my GalacticTab George Foreman Grill S 20 blows it away."

Battery: "Whatever. My pre-release Windows Phone can stream Ogg Vorbis files from my Amazon S3 setup for 29 days before it quits in protest of my one Britney song."

Camera: "Call me when it includes a self-portrait auto-tan function like the Arduino cam I just added to my Ascend."

4G: "Already upgraded my Droid to WiFiber."

Personally, I’m excited about the new iPhone. I’m still clutching an increasingly bogged-down 3GS, so any update will feel amazingly magical in my hobbit paw. I’m also glad the new screen size isn’t Galaxy-class, as I’d have a hard time keeping such a device in even my most relaxed-fit jeans. But what I’m really hoping is that the pre-paid carriers like Virgin Mobile and Cricket will get the new iPhone at the same time, so I can ditch my current plan. I seriously doubt that will happen. Which means I’ll either end up waiting or possibly going with Sprint if I have any hopes of being taken down by ScarJo in the near future. Although I’d probably end up getting double-tapped by a slightly gamy Mark Ruffalo.

Okay, you probably won’t see that last bit in a review. But don’t you wish you would?

Later,

Fox

Comments closed
    • Cranx
    • 7 years ago

    Just have to say that I don’t find the size of the Galaxy S3 or Galaxy Nexus to be too large to fit in my pocket and I wear dress slacks to work almost everyday. Maybe this really matters to hipsters that wear skinny jeans, but then your iPhone probably barely fits anyway.

    • mattthemuppet
    • 7 years ago

    ah, but are they going to include instructions on the correct way to hold it this time?

      • Beelzebubba9
      • 7 years ago

      Only with white silk gloves.

      Duh.

    • danny e.
    • 7 years ago

    [url<]http://www.zdnet.com/samsung-to-sue-apple-over-4g-lte-in-iphone-5-7000004015/[/url<]

    • My Johnson
    • 7 years ago

    A thing to watch is how it’s presented. Amazon’s CEO, Jeff Bezos, did a very good job presenting the Kindle much like Steve Job’s presentations of the various iDevices. It would be interesting to see if Tim Cook can at least match it.

    I mention it because it would show whether Tim Cook is emotionally invested. Why that would be important is that it would reinforce Apple’s prospects, that it has some idea, of where it will lead the markets for iDevices or if Amazon or Google will become the next bearer of the torch for the next decade.

    I’m currently mulling flipping out of Apple and into Amazon stock. But Apple’s lock on hardware and software, no matter how much I think of Jeff Bezos as a CEO, still gives me pause.

    • sunner
    • 7 years ago

    Jason Fox uses many words and says little.
    Big head, small beer.

    • hiro_pro
    • 7 years ago

    I just hope they can get Siri out of detox on to the path of useful. there are 90 year old people dying of dementia that are more consistent. If someone in my office called out as many times as Siri, i think we could fire them without giving HR an ulcer.

    • derFunkenstein
    • 7 years ago

    This was just great. “Holy Moses, I’m rich” indeed. I am richer for having read it. Or something.

    I just love the merciless mocking of the stereotypical fanboys on both sides. I know lots of people with lots of different types of phones and almost none of them meet the stereotypes. Probably because I don’t hang out with the stereotypes in the first place. Get ’em!

    • Krogoth
    • 7 years ago

    This guy caters to the “Hipster” crowd hardcore style.

      • derFunkenstein
      • 7 years ago

      more like he mocks them

        • willmore
        • 7 years ago

        But, don’t they like that?

          • Beelzebubba9
          • 7 years ago

          Only ironically.

          p.s., I live in Williamsburg and no nerd has ever actually understood hipsters beyond what they read in image macros on Reddit. But hey, nerds aren’t really known for their insightful opinions on society and culture so even professed ignorance would be asking too much.

            • lilbuddhaman
            • 7 years ago

            Lol ok.

            My personal take on “hipsters”:
            In urban areas you have a large number of successful, young people that are incredibly talented. Hipsters are the talentless lackeys that hang around these people, dress similarly to them, and basically leech off every aspect of their being; claiming it as their own. When their incessant pronouncing of (whatever) hits a tipping point, it becomes “mainstream” and they put on their smug face and proclaim “i was into that before it was cool”.
            You can extrapolate similar behavior when it comes to their religion, political views, and their choice of Mac vs PC.

            Yay for talented people, but fuck hipsters.

            • Beelzebubba9
            • 7 years ago

            I rest my case.

        • Meadows
        • 7 years ago

        Since when does Krogoth read?

          • derFunkenstein
          • 7 years ago

          Ah, touché.

    • halbhh2
    • 7 years ago

    ‘Tim Cook: “Holy Moses, I’m rich.”‘

    🙂 lol…. Good stuff!

    • link626
    • 7 years ago

    same sausage, different length, and people still go gaga over it.

    2mm thinner, and it’s revolutionary. At the same time, people will ignore that it’s longer too, so it will still occupy more space in your pocket.

    people slammed nokia when they revealed their new phone last week. But the iphone 5 doesn’t look like anymore than a flattened and lengthened iphone 4.

    • DeadOfKnight
    • 7 years ago

    Why would they call it the iPhone 5? It’s actually the iPhone 6.

      • dpaus
      • 7 years ago

      No, it’s the “New iPhone”

        • derFunkenstein
        • 7 years ago

        Given what they did with the iPad that might actually be true. Hadn’t considered that yet.

    • tbone8ty
    • 7 years ago

    im worried about the new connector… something about digital/analog issues.

    like if you hook your iphone up to your car stereo thru usb/current connector you wont be able to with this new connector? can someone shed some light on this?

    i dont wanna have to buy a ton of adapters, no thanks ill stick with my perfectly fine 4S

    • Anarchist
    • 7 years ago

    I’m not a smart-phone type person … as far as I’m concerned I like my phone to be dumb. not to mention there is no way in hell I’m paying $30 extra per month for data fee. However if someone comes out with smartphone with a rotary dial, I just might have to reconsider my position.

      • internetsandman
      • 7 years ago

      If you want I can set you up with one of those brick phones from 20 years ago that gave you 30 minutes of talk time on a 10 hour charge

    • tbone8ty
    • 7 years ago

    it would blow my mind if it was totally different than all the leaks so far

      • internetsandman
      • 7 years ago

      It will be. half a millimeter in every direction to account for people holding it wrong

    • unmake
    • 7 years ago

    Ugh. Did I really need to learn what ‘WOC girlfriend’ means?

      • sweatshopking
      • 7 years ago

      what does it mean?

        • riviera74
        • 7 years ago

        WOC girlfriend = woman of color girlfriend

        • satchmobob
        • 7 years ago

        World Orthopaedic Concern GF… A very young girlfriend from an under developed country who has undergone some kind of surgery???
        Also, how can you be down-voted for that question? I wanted to know too.

          • sweatshopking
          • 7 years ago

          peeps be jealous of my tight body.

        • unmake
        • 7 years ago

        It’s an urbandictionary term referring to the waste of bodily fluids..

    • sweatshopking
    • 7 years ago

    +1 for the wp mention.
    and seriously, this camera is going to suck vs the 920.

      • brucethemoose
      • 7 years ago

      Most of the other hardware will too.

        • sweatshopking
        • 7 years ago

        if it doesn’t have that new screen….

        • Arag0n
        • 7 years ago

        So true… still people will call it revolutionary… how long will it last? It will be funny if we see the iPhone5 with quad-core 1Ghz CPU A9 and people claims is faster than a dual-core krait 1.5Ghz in the Lumnia 920. Given that the iPhone 4s has a 800Mhz, I think it´s a given that the new iphone won´t go over 1ghz.

      • End User
      • 7 years ago

      What’s that noise? Oh, it is the sound of Windows Phone 8 SDK devs using the SDK to make apps for the 920. NOT!

      Are you part of the “limited” few to gain access to the SDK on the 12th? Go RIM! Er no, I MEAN GO NOKIA!

        • sweatshopking
        • 7 years ago

        right. Unable to actually refute my point, so try another angle. Sure, you’re right, the SDK isn’t out yet. Does that mean the iphone 5 will have better hardware? Sure doesn’t. you’re also forgetting that the existing sdk works fine for these phones, so the 100,000 apps that are in the market are there.

        Nice try. iphone 5 = bad camera, screen, mic, body….

        I’m sure it’ll sell like stupid. but i doubt it’s a nicer device.

          • derFunkenstein
          • 7 years ago

          It’s a cell phone so it’s going to be a bad camera. I’ve seen the previews on the 920 complete with camera samples, and while the pictures are great for a cell phone camera, the “for a cell phone camera” modifier is really important. It’s like trying to be the tallest midget.

            • Arag0n
            • 7 years ago

            Last year when iPhone camera was the best or at least as good as the best ones everyone rallied to claim that mobile cameras were becoming good enough. This year seems that Nokia and Windows Phone may get the top-position and suddenly cameras in a phone are just an afterthought…

            I agree that cameras on pones use to be crappy, but nowadays most of mobile cameras offer pretty good quality photos in a wide number of circumstances. Sure, no one will drop their DSLR for a phone for their holidays, but no one feels the need anymore to carry a camera going out to have fun and take some photos of their friends.

            • derFunkenstein
            • 7 years ago

            I wouldn’t say “everyone” because I certainly didn’t think the iPhone had a camera that would replace a nice discrete camera. I use the 8MP shooter built into my G2x and it’s “good enough”. The Nokia is “good enough” for most people. But if you want an accurate, excellent picture, you still need a camera.

            • Beelzebubba9
            • 7 years ago

            …I thought the camera on my iPhone 4 was good enough. Not that better doesn’t have some value, but it’s getting pretty marginal at this point.

            For most buyers it’s the software ecosystem, hardware design, and carrier support that will sell the phone, not the kind of differences it takes a nerd with image editing software or a CPU benchmark suite to find. I’m not sure why this is lost on most of the hardware enthusiast community who seem to devolve to calling out the RDF whenever the newest iPhone crushes their overclocked, rooted, objectively [i<]so superior phone[/i<] every damn time. The only thing that's keeping me from replacing my iPhone 4 with a Nokia 920 (aside from carrier support, but that's just a known unknown) is a few of the apps I use daily just aren't supported by WP8 - or have a critically reduced feature set. If Nokia used a shrink ray to package a DSLR along and a whole ARM supercomputer in the 920 it still wouldn't make up for losing the kind of functionality that I actually use. Hopefully that will all get sorted out by the time the 920 ships so I don't have to just shuffle back into Apple's cold, glass-encased embrace.

            • chµck
            • 7 years ago

            For most buyers, it’s what their friends have.

            • derFunkenstein
            • 7 years ago

            And I guess you have a point that since I used very strong language that I’m wrong. I should not have said bad camera. I should say passable. It’s OK. Like I said, I use mine.

            • superjawes
            • 7 years ago

            [quote<]but no one feels the need anymore to carry a camera going out to have fun and take some photos of their friends.[/quote<]QFT. I'm sure that the quality will continue to improve in phones, and they really just killed the need for a separate device in day-to-day life. The same thing happened to the iPod since phones can store and play MP3s.

            • sweatshopking
            • 7 years ago

            i’m not sure i agree. it’s not an DSLR, but it’s looking as good as my standalone camera.

        • Arag0n
        • 7 years ago

        Engadget called us and say that wants their trolls back.

        In the meanwhile I’ll keep using the 7.1+ SDK, as I’ll keep doing for months to target wp8 and 7

      • dpaus
      • 7 years ago

      Where did he mention WordPerfect?

        • sweatshopking
        • 7 years ago

        what’s word perfect?

          • Phartindust
          • 7 years ago

          That’s that new spelling bee on TV, right?

            • sweatshopking
            • 7 years ago

            idk, what’s TV? is it like netflix?

      • hiro_pro
      • 7 years ago

      Camera, seriously? my nikon d7000 with a $1,000 worth of glass will kill any cell phone camera. so what. it doesn’t fit in my pocket and allow me to instantly take pics of the drunks on the metro. i cant wait until you try to use that nokia to take a pic in a dark bar.

      it is a cellphone. it is a compromise. i just need to be able to recognize the pic on bookface.

        • sweatshopking
        • 7 years ago

        YOU DON’T SAY? NIKON D7000 BETTER THAN CELLPHONE?

        and good luck finding me in a bar. alcohol is for chumps, and people with friends irl.

        • sweatshopking
        • 7 years ago

        YOU DON’T SAY? NIKON D7000 BETTER THAN CELLPHONE?

        and good luck finding me in a bar. alcohol is for chumps, and people with friends irl.

        lol -4 for the double post!!

          • derFunkenstein
          • 7 years ago

          I think this spread can be attributed to:

          say it once? +1
          say it again? -1

          That’s what I did at least.

            • sweatshopking
            • 7 years ago

            yeah, was just a double post. i didn’t do it on purpose 🙁

            • no51
            • 7 years ago

            i upvoted the first and downvoted the second since i thought it was what we were doing. kinda funny seeing ssk’s accidental doublepost have the same number of upvotes and downvotes. i imagined that he said it in different tones.

            • MadManOriginal
            • 7 years ago

            That’s what I did too 🙂

            • superjawes
            • 7 years ago

            I did as well. Curse he who ruined the even nature of SSK’s karma!

    • dpaus
    • 7 years ago

    Wow, I just [i<][b<]love[/i<][/b<] the retro look!

      • MadManOriginal
      • 7 years ago

      I know right? It takes me back to June 2010 and the iPhone 4. Aah, those were the days.

      (Yes, I get that you were referring to the rotary dial iPod.)

      • Phartindust
      • 7 years ago

      +1 Yeah man, rotary is so uber cool! Def the way to go. lol

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