If you're unfortunate enough to be like me, you'll find the impending release of iSteve to be frightening and confusing to your caveman brain. Produced by FunnyOrDie.com and starring Justin "Mac" Long as Jobs, iSteve is billed as the "First Steve Jobs Movie." It's difficult to tell from the trailer if it's supposed to be a comedy bit, satire, or drama. Sure, its source should be a clue, but at 60-75 minutes, one would think the jokes could grow a bit stale. We shall see on when the film is released online April 15. Yes, a review will be forthcoming. It's what I do for you people. I also sometimes take six months off for you people, but that's another matter.
Apple Announces iOS Game Controller That Looks Stunningly Similar to an iOS Device. Sure, in-the-know Mac dude Jim Dalrymple put the kibosh on the long-rumored yet marginally hoped-for dedicated game controller for iOS devices—a major disappointment for those of us hoping to experience the joy of a full iRacing rig hooked up to a 90x50 grid of iPhones. Apple, not wanting to let a marketing opportunity slip through its fingers yet again (neon case enhancements, anyone?), has instead released a semi-dedicated gaming controller that pairs to iOS devices via Bluetooth. The devices, which bear a striking resemblance to iPhone 3GSes's', come in a special, four-inch rubber frame to permit flinging across the room in disgust without damage. Except to the glass screen.
AT&T to Offer HD Voice Support, but Only at 720p. In the wake of T-Mobile's announcement last week that they'll be supporting something called HD Voice on their version of the iPhone 5, AT&T has issued an "us, too!" press release to say that they'll be doing the exact same thing. Doing so will require the carrier to use Voice Over LTE (or VOLTron) technology that they claim to have been planning on using all along. Because what AT&T customers really want is better sounding calls, not fat data pipes.
Non-Existent Apple iTV to be Controlled by The One Ring. I'm not saying this couldn't happen, but, seriously? An analyst named Brian White from Topeka Capital Markets (which is not even in Topeka) claims that the much-ballyhooed, any-year-now Apple iTV could be controlled by something he calls the iRing. Because trying to find where the dog hid your Harmony One (full disclosure: I do not own a Harmony One) isn't hard enough; now you'll have to sort through his doggie discharge to watch Homeland. I just can't believe this one. But I suppose if it sends the price of my one Apple share soaring, then fire up the iBilbo and let's go.
Sonnet Disproves Steve Jobs by Releasing Blu-ray Drive That's Just a Brick of Hurt. Sonnet engineers pulled themselves away from the company's oddly hypnotic 1982-era logo long enough to develop the Echo™ 15 Thunderbolt™ Dock. Available for pre-order at this very moment, the dock sports space for one 2.5-inch or 3.5-inch SATA drive, 15 ports, and 2 trademark symbols. Of note, the dock also includes a DVD burner at the $400 price, or a Blu-ray burner for $50 more. Sonnet even includes OS X software to play Blu-ray discs. Which seems pretty cool until you realize just how lonely you'll feel going through the extras on The Avengers sitting forlornly in front of your iMac instead plopped on the sofa in front of your 65-inch LCD accompanied by your simulated girlfriend.
Steve Jobs Unknowingly Pimps Original Mac OS. A new online memorial service called Rememberum.com has decided the best way to garner attention for its scrappy, startup self is to shoot directly for the cease-and-desist bull's-eye. To demonstrate that their service, which allows people to create online memorials to their departed loved ones, is decidedly way less creepy than constantly updating said departed's Facebook page, they have create a tribute to Apple's patron Zen master. Anyway, the tribute site itself is fairly nifty, all done up in the guise of the original Mac OS, complete with appropriate fonts, pop-up windows, drop-down menus and awesomely dithered graphics. But you know they didn't pay anything to Apple or the Jobs estate to use all those fine, copyrighted materials. Just because the info they post about Steve is public knowledge doesn't give them the right to use his image for commercial purposes. Nor does it matter that their service is currently free. But none of the above qualifies as their most egregious sin. No, that is to be found on their home page in the form of fem-mulleted Jimmy Fallon making that antiadorable hand-heart shape thing like we're all at a Taylor Swift concert. It might have helped if they had had a walk-through of how the service actually works instead of expecting you to relive the pain of losing Grandma Hildy just to see if it's worth the trouble.
Also, Facebook announced Facebook Home for Android. All I can say is, thank God it won't be available on the iPhone. There is one Android phone in the office, so perhaps I'll get the chance to be proven mildly wrong.