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paulWTAMU
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Re: Becoming a father

Sat Sep 17, 2016 7:52 am

subscribe and save with wipes and diapers on prime. But don't forget, they grow fast early on, no need to buy 3 months of size 1 or 2 diapers, they aren't in them that long.


If y'all have a baby shower, and/or if this is someone's first grandkid, wait and see what people buy before buying clothing. We literally bought 0 clothes until our oldest was 2-3. Except for shoes, those we bought. 


say goodbye to money  :wink:
Ugly people have sex all the time. We wouldn't have 6 and a half billion humans if you had to be beautiful to get laid.
 
DragonDaddyBear
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Re: Becoming a father

Sat Sep 17, 2016 10:16 am

paulWTAMU wrote:
say goodbye to money  :wink:


I'm on year 4 of this parenting thing. I occasionally miss having the extra funds. However, I miss my kids every day I'm at work. The highlight of my day is when my 4 year old lays me out with a tackle hug. It's worth having an older car to get that 5 days a week.
 
sweatshopking
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Re: Becoming a father

Sat Sep 17, 2016 1:50 pm

JUST CHILL OUT. parenting is about loving your kids, and you'll be surprised how far some affection and patience will get you. if you're upset it's your mistake.
You'll never ever believe how fast they go, so don't freak about your own sleep or anything else. you'll be missing that tiny person way before you're ready to.
I'm the father of three, 12 year old girl, 7 year old son, and 9 month old son.
 
paulWTAMU
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Re: Becoming a father

Sat Sep 17, 2016 5:35 pm

There will probably be times you need to go put them down and step outside to bash your head against the wall though, fair warning.  
Ugly people have sex all the time. We wouldn't have 6 and a half billion humans if you had to be beautiful to get laid.
 
Chuckaluphagus
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Re: Becoming a father

Sat Sep 17, 2016 6:42 pm

paulWTAMU wrote:
There will probably be times you need to go put them down and step outside to bash your head against the wall though, fair warning.  

No question. They're outweighed by all the good stuff, though.
 
excession
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Re: Becoming a father

Sun Sep 18, 2016 2:58 am

All your answers are insightful and passionate. Thank you so much.

The baby shower was today (I was only there for the last half an hour and I still feel a bit light headed from all the oestrogen) and we have nappies (what are these "diaper" things you speak of?) literally EVERYWHERE. And even more clothes already.

I think people have been a bit confused because they don't know whether to buy blue or pink. We've not found out the gender and are trying to avoid gender stereotyping... tricky or what.
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sweatshopking
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Re: Becoming a father

Sun Sep 18, 2016 5:41 am

You weirdos with "nappies." I hate that word. Crazy English folk.

Don't worry about the color. Boys can wear pink, and girls can wear blue. It's irrelevant.
 
wizardz
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Re: Becoming a father

Sun Sep 18, 2016 8:14 am

first let me start with CONGRATULATIONS!!!!

as a very good friend of mine who once said to me (he's a father of two little nuclear powered deamons) - don't listen to the advice of others. (not really but you will understand)

thats the only advice i can give you. you will see that everyone around you has a way of doing things you may not be confortable with, or has every remedy/cure imaginable for all the possible illnesses.

you didnt make it out this far in life with a user manual, and if you did, please send out your copy. same goes with your kid. the manual is NOT included.

just listen to your heart, you WILL figure this out, heck we've been figuring this stuff for like thousands of years..

and like most people said, dont be afraid, they're not as fragile as one may think. my nefew put on a cape at daycare (2yo) and threw himself in the stairs.

yes, he wanted to fly.

also, have fun and please enjoy every single moment. even the sleepless nights, even the poo covered walls and the puke in the carpet. oh i sincerely hope you do not have carpet in your house..

good luck!
 
TheEmrys
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Re: Becoming a father

Sun Sep 18, 2016 8:35 am

My one peice of advice:

As a dad, never care about what people think of you. Do the job to the best of your ability and to hell with people's judgements. If that means you find yourself out with you kid with a diaper bag, do it. If your kid tells you for the first time that they love you, and it makes you cry, go ahead andet the tears roll. Talk to your child like a person and treat them with respect. Some parents believe this is bad parenting. To hell with them. Don't let some sort of made-up peer pressure dictate anything to you when you are giving it your all.

At the end of the day, you are going to screw up, and screw up big time. But every kid in the world respects a parent that tries.
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chuckula
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Re: Becoming a father

Sun Sep 18, 2016 10:19 am

Never be afraid to let them get a little dirty either!

Here's mini-chuckula enjoying the outdoors. They get more fun once they can crawl and begin to walk:
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Cuhulin
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Re: Becoming a father

Sun Sep 18, 2016 2:19 pm

Congratulations!

The best advice I can give is "Don't Blink" (like the song).

My son turns 28 in two months, and the best thing I ever did was take the time in his tween and teen years to be a dad.  Be there for him, even if it means a cut in income for a while - you can make more money but not more time.

Enjoy the journey!


Oh, and lest I forget, don't forget to ask your wife what she did with the user manual.
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Shobai
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Re: Becoming a father

Sun Sep 18, 2016 3:43 pm

Some great advice here! My son's now 4 1/2 months old, I'll see what I can add.

It's said that 'opinions are like noses/butts; everyone has one, and some are bigger than others'. I've found that this is especially true when it comes to random strangers giving advice - my wife and I have had to practice letting rubbish advice (or possibly even reasonable advice that we didn't agree with for whatever reason) roll off our backs.

I know that there's a mother-in-law stereotype, but if your wife gets along with her mum and you live nearby then something that we found really helpful was having her come over for a few hours of an afternoon to watch our newborn while we slept. She did this every day or so for the first two weeks and it was marvellous!

Our son was born with both a tongue tie and a lip tie, which meant that he couldn't latch on to breastfeed. There was a local doctor who would snip ties, but he was on holidays until our son was 2 weeks old. I hope this isn't an issue for you! My wife ended up expressing breastmilk that we'd feed him from a Calma bottle: this was great, because I got to share the load of feeding him and also got some quality bonding time with him. If you're in a position to share the load, definitely do!

It's not often talked about, at least in my experience, but be patient on the sexlife front. It may take a while for things to get back to normal, if they ever do

As everyone has been saying, it's a pretty fantastic ride! Remember that any clown can father a kid; what kids need is a good father
 
Chuckaluphagus
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Re: Becoming a father

Sun Sep 18, 2016 7:35 pm

chuckula wrote:
Never be afraid to let them get a little dirty either!

Yes! In the words of the great philosopher:

Image
 
ludi
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Re: Becoming a father

Sun Sep 18, 2016 10:55 pm

Cuhulin wrote:
Oh, and lest I forget, don't forget to ask your wife what she did with the user manual.

Was that tucked into the placenta, maybe?  I think we threw it out by mistake.
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Fractux
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Re: Becoming a father

Mon Sep 19, 2016 12:44 am

First off, Congratulations!

A lot of people will have advise to give you on raising your kid. Listen well, take it all in and examine it. Try out new things, and don't be set in your ways or think that only you, or others, know what's best for a kid. If your kid is happy and you keep pushing them towards learning, and displaying, the best social behaviors possible, then you are doing your best.

If the kid is always happy and smiling, what more can you ask of yourself?

Live every moment with them, without regret, or expectation. They just need love and responsible people to help them thrive.

Cheers!
 
Chuckaluphagus
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Re: Becoming a father

Mon Sep 19, 2016 8:05 am

Fractux wrote:
If the kid is always happy and smiling, what more can you ask of yourself?

I go by this standard. If your kid is happy and growing, then you're doing well as a parent. All other metrics are secondary, at least at the beginning.
 
Dagwood
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Re: Becoming a father

Thu Oct 06, 2016 12:52 am

Get one of those Shape-O-ball toys.  A few months with that and they will Ace preschool, and  your kid will be entertained.
 
 
excession
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Re: Becoming a father

Thu Oct 06, 2016 1:14 am

This thing? Pretty sure I had one of those when I was a little lad.

Due date is now 20 days away and the baby can't come soon enough for my wife, she is super uncomfortable and fed up with being a) fat b) achey and c) getting kicked in the bladder and stomach every 10 minutes!
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Aranarth
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Re: Becoming a father

Thu Oct 06, 2016 7:13 am

Don't forget to work on your "DAD VOICE"... :D

(Parent of two, 7 and 10 years old)
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PFarkas
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Re: Becoming a father

Thu Oct 06, 2016 7:56 am

Do not say "no" if you aren't within arm's reach of the child.  Early on I always got up and went to the children to say "no" or make a correction.  Now they know that "no" means "no right now, not maybe, not later".

Do not say "if".  "If" turns whatever follows into a negotiation.  Instead, say "when" as in "when you eat your dinner we will play outside".

Intermittent reinforcement is potent conditioning.  Be careful to not inadvertently train undesirable habits.  For example, "it's your birthday, you don't have to clean your room / do homework" will lead to unpleasant outcomes.  Put effort into making rewards an achievement and not an entitlement.
 
llisandro
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Re: Becoming a father

Thu Oct 06, 2016 9:16 am

congrats! ours is 5 months and time has absolutely flown by! I :)

There's a lot of great advice here! here are some random tidbits, with a theme others have already mentioned- do what works for you, be protective of your time, and tell people to f off when you need to. You'd be amazed how many parents and grandparents expect you to entertain them so they can see the new baby. Ours were great, a lot of our friends had bad experiences. Try to keep the hordes at bay for a couple weeks and only allow nuclear family, so you can get a bit of sleep without worrying about needing to clean the toilet because cousins want to come over. Along these lines, don't care what your toilet looks like when you're caring for a newborn, you're got more pressing matters :)

In the first few months, you are the pit crew. Your job is to take care of mom. Both of you need to take care of baby, but you need to keep an eye on mom. No matter how tired you feel, she is more tired. Look for whatever opportunity you see to take things off her plate so she can eat, sleep, feed the baby and nothing else. The first 3 months are basically like the "33" pilot episode of Battlestar Galactica- it never stops, and the slow grind will wear you down. Prioritize what has to get done and focus on that. If you can spend money to save time, do it, time is your most precious resource. 

One thing I hadn't expected was that breastfeeding was an incredible source of frustration and anxiety- even more than we had read about. Most of the first time moms we know had an incredibly difficult time starting out- even the ones that ended up having a great experience went days/weeks on an emotional roller coaster while getting started. Basically you might want to plan for mom getting close to a breakdown, due to the combination of exhaustion, baby screaming but not successfully latching/feeding, bleeding nipples from baby improperly latching, and you as a dad feeling absolutely helpless as your wife convinces herself she cannot possibly do this. Most first-time moms go through this, and most get through it just fine, but while they're going through it, they feel like they're never going to get through it. She's already sleep-deprived, we had a hospital full of nurses and lactation consultants basically telling you you're a terrible parent if you're not breastfeeding, and there's so much of an undercurrent of expectations of what your wife thinks she needs to do, what's she's always imagined she would do, etc. My wife was the most emotionally distraught I've ever seen her during this process. Ultimately we decided to go with pumping, and supplementing with formula as my wife's milk never fully came in, had an especially terrible time latching, etc. The DAY we decided to supplement some formula took so much stress away, as the baby was full and happy, which has an amazing effect on mom & dad too. Could she have stuck it out? Probably. But she was miserable, and making that simple change had a profound effect for us. So yeah, find what works for you, don't care about what anyone else thinks (including grandma). If it's important to you, then do it, but don't let others second-guess what you've decided.  

Practical stuff:
Stockpiling food in the freezer you can quickly reheat in the microwave is great- you will have days in those first few weeks when you simply cannot expend the energy to cook, as eating is something you only have time to do after baby is taken care of. So if you can, cook and freeze some food for the times when you're too tired to think :)

Free stuff: babies are a huge racket, and companies will pound down your door to give you free stuff. If you're registered at amazon, they'll send you a box of free stuff. Even if you don't intend to do a baby registry- make one anyway and don't tell anyone- you can buy it off your own registry- the act of having a registry will give you free stuff in the form of discounts when "completing the registry". So if you're gonna buy a stroller, put it in your registry at Babys R Us, then buy it, and you'll get a coupon for buying more crap. Formula companies will send you a hundred dollars of free food, and 20% off coupons for life (saves $20 a month), if you register on their site, etc. 

Clothes: buy cheap stuff- your kid will outgrow them instantly, and they'll get stained immediately. See if your town has a second-hand store for baby clothes, lots do. Happily accept hand-me-downs. We never pay full price for any baby clothes- stuff is always on clearance at Carter's.com and the like- stock up on "staples" like onesies in sizes you'll need later when they go on sale- they're $20 new, but are often on sale for $5. You might be tempted to go all Steve Jobs on your baby. I floated the idea of just getting her 30 identical solid-white onesies since we'd be changing them often and we could easily bleach if they got nasty. I was, umm, politely overruled on this issue :) 

ok, I'll stop! I'm happy for you, being a dad really will change you for the better. 
 
RickyTick
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Re: Becoming a father

Thu Oct 06, 2016 9:25 am

Congrats!!

Take some videos of you and your wife as if you're talking to the kid. Tell them what you're thinking and how you're feeling at that moment about being a parent. Make a yearly thing out of this and keep it safe. At some point when they're older you'll probably stop doing it, but that's ok. One day your kid will love looking back at these, and so will you. My kid's mom died when they were 7 and 10. They barely remember her, but enjoy looking at the videos from time to time.
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excession
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Re: Becoming a father

Thu Oct 06, 2016 2:35 pm

I love these ideas. We'll make the video this weekend.

In terms of "parent voice" and saying no; we are both experienced teachers (my wife primary, me secondary) so we're thinking that gives us a bit of an advantage in the behaviour management area... wishful thinking I guess!
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ludi
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Re: Becoming a father

Thu Oct 06, 2016 3:33 pm

excession wrote:
Due date is now 20 days away and the baby can't come soon enough for my wife, she is super uncomfortable and fed up with being a) fat b) achey and c) getting kicked in the bladder and stomach every 10 minutes!

Now steel yourself for the part where she looks and feel 5-6 months pregnant for weeks afterward and has recurring aches and discomfort in and around the milkmakers and pelvis.  The birth will be a big transition comfort-wise, but it takes months for everything to settle back out.  If she's planning to breastfeed, that will help get the weight and hormones back on track.  If not, start planning frequent family walks to make sure she has time to get out and start feeling better about her body again.

Also don't forget the thing where she doesn't have a monthly cycle at first and/or for the duration of breastfeeding, but can still get pregnant. My wife's older brothers were born just over 10 months apart!
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Redocbew
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Re: Becoming a father

Thu Oct 06, 2016 3:43 pm

The same thing happened to a friend of mine.  He and his wife were trying to have a kid for close to five years.  They went to specialists and everything and were told nothing was wrong, just to keep trying.  Now they've got two girls less than a year apart.
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Dposcorp
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Re: Becoming a father

Thu Oct 06, 2016 3:43 pm

ludi wrote:
excession wrote:
Also don't forget the thing where she doesn't have a monthly cycle at first and/or for the duration of breastfeeding, but can still get pregnant. My wife's older brothers were born just over 10 months apart!


Good advice.
However, if you do want Irish Twins, read this :
http://www.scarymommy.com/20-things-tha ... ish-twins/
 
Shambles
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Re: Becoming a father

Thu Oct 06, 2016 3:51 pm

My #1 advice for new parents:  You spend as much or as little money as you want to.  There are a ton of resources out there (facebook groups, craigslist, thrift stores) where you can get baby stuff for free or near-free.  The only thing we bought new was a mattress (Costco) as the used crib we got had a fairly old one.  Every piece of clothing, toy, linen, kitchen stuff, cloth diapers and car seats were either free or dirt cheap from used sources or as gifts from friends and family.  The other upside to this is that as we keep popping out kids we don't hold onto anything we're not using.  Once we don't need the newborn car seat it gets given away.  Someone else can make use of it instead of it collecting dust and taking up space.  When we need it again we simply find another used one.   I really like how well it's worked out for us so far.

The first couple months for the first child are actually quite easy.  You can to relax and enjoy a baby who can't move and isn't too loud yet.  Mom on the other hand is going to be up all night feeding so try to take over as many chores as possible.  The mood of the entire house depends on if mom gets enough sleep to be functional.  If you're doing cloth buy the Costco wipes and wash the ones that aren't too dirty, they make great liners for cloth diapers.  Make sure you take pictures of mom and baby every so often and ignore her when she complains that she looks terrible when you pull out the camera.  Better to have bad pictures in 30 years than no pictures.

Redocbew wrote:
The same thing happened to a friend of mine.  He and his wife were trying to have a kid for close to five years.  They went to specialists and everything and were told nothing was wrong, just to keep trying.  Now they've got two girls less than a year apart.

I've seen that a lot.  Honestly I think it's more the effects of birth control pills than anything.  I've seen many people around me go through the circus of medically assisted pregnancy who had absolutely no problems conceiving after baby #1 showed up.  The hormones in those pills, if you are on them for a long time, can take years to wear off before you're able to have a child again.  Even if you don't want kids right away but will want them in a few years I'd suggest getting off the pill now and move to other contraceptives.
 
excession
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Re: Becoming a father

Thu Oct 06, 2016 5:17 pm

Shambles wrote:
I've seen many people around me go through the circus of medically assisted pregnancy who had absolutely no problems conceiving after baby #1 showed up.  The hormones in those pills, if you are on them for a long time, can take years to wear off before you're able to have a child again.  Even if you don't want kids right away but will want them in a few years I'd suggest getting off the pill now and move to other contraceptives.

We're aware of this and it's something we're going to be very careful about!

She and I are both very, very thankful that it only took us a short while of trying. She'd been on the pill of various sorts for nearly 15 years and it took us two months to get pregnant once, which we lost very early, and the month after that we got pregnant with this baby.

Some people are so much less fortunate and I can't imagine what it must feel like for them.
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DPete27
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Re: Becoming a father

Mon Oct 17, 2016 12:59 pm

I just had my first-born on September 13th.
We were at a neighbors' house for dinner this weekend.  We were telling the group about how our little one seemed to have trouble passing gas and pooping even though he's not constipated.  He'll lay there and push for 20-30 minutes, pushing so hard I swear he's going to give himself a hernia.  A mother of four mentioned turning him onto his left side when this occurs should help.  It's amazing how well this works!!! (not necessarily for pooping, but definitely for passing gas)
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excession
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Re: Becoming a father

Mon Oct 17, 2016 1:42 pm

That's a great one! Thank you. We are ready for the baby any day now...
Image
Last edited by excession on Mon Oct 17, 2016 3:44 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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