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Bizzaro
Gerbil
Topic Author
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Location: band camp

brake tapping and the scourge of the minivan, op-ed

Thu Mar 27, 2003 9:54 am

i spend my winters in new jersey and summer in newport ri. im not that guy, im just lucky enough to have a 6 month job in each location.
well, its getting close to the time when i pack my bags and go back to newport and i was doing a little thinking during my commute this morning with regard to driving styles.

in new jersey, brake tapping is a freaking sport. this would be defined as 30 cars traveling at 80+mph and separated from each other by 4 feet at most. one person will take it upon him/herself to tap the brakes for no apparent reason at all, and with out the consent of the group, causing consternation in 29 people. this will cause 29 ppl to also tap the brakes bcz we all dont know if there is an accident ahead, a cop laying in wait, traffic conditions, ect....
when we have all determined that the perpetrator was some teenager or blue hair that was concerned they were going too fast and just wanted to slow it down, the horns start, the fingers pop up in salutation, and the tailgating starts in earnest ( 4 ft is not as close as you can get :evil: )

this situation becomes exponentially more dangerous when there are minivans involved.
some quick facts about minivans:
they are owned by:
- married men who have given up being men for the convienence of taking all of little billy's friends to baseball games, loaning it to his wife for grocery shopping, or own small businesses designed around the theme of, it really doesnt matter when i get there...
- women who have to drop the litter off at day care before she rushes off to work with lipstick in one hand, coffee in the other, using one knee to steer, and one shoulder to hold the cell phone while she calls the boss to explain why she will be late once again. all this while paying at least a thousand a month for day care and netting 1600. the economics of this? you got me too!
- retirees who think they are cool
- teenagers who were given the old family minivan as the "first car"

some more facts:
- they look like crap
- they are not meant to be driven at 80+
- you cannot see a damn thing when you are behind one
- for all the freakin' glass they have, the drivers still have blind spots a tractor trailer could drive through
- not to be confused with suv's driven by women so small that you cant even see them in the drivers seat. this would include, but not limited to, denalis, escalades, yukons, hummers. this is another group entirely which would demand another post to fully do them justice.

now that we all have a basic understanding of the properties of minivans, i shall continue.

they suck! the ppl who own/drive them suck! the ppl who designed them should be shot! the ppl who sell them should be stoned in a public gathering place. ( bcz you know they are laughing thier asses off that they just sold you one, sucker )

whew! now that im done with that intellectual reasoning exercise, i'll move on to even more broad stroke generalizations.

there is a function that the closer you get to a minivan, the slower it will go, just to piss you the hell off. i often think of a steve jackson rpg i used to play as a child during times like these. it was called car wars. in the game you designed and built cars with weapons for the sole purpose of destroying other cars. i often daydrean that i had a turret on my passat and twin 50 cal's in the grill. i would hunt minivans like elmer fudd hunted wabbits. uh, perhaps with better results.

well that is the new jersey side of it. it really takes me a week or so just to get my skills up to speed every winter when i come home to nj. you can get yourself killed on these highways.

in newport - which i am so looking forward to going back to, as much as i love it here. i live 2 blocks off the ocean. i have sand in my parking lot. the girls wear half of nothing for 4 months and then only half of something for 2 months. booze flows heavy, and tanning and rollerblading become my 2 full time pursuits. - driving is way different. the town is small to begin with, but when all the massholes ( massachusetts drivers with the previously mentioned yukons, denalis, ect... ) conneticut yankees, and new york ppl, who always are arrogant as hell, and think you're some local half - wit when you encounter them, descend on newport in droves, you might as well walk everywhere. they clog the damn streets and lean on the horns like they know where they are going.
im very much looking forward to it :D

man, summers coming, pour me a freakin' drink!!!!
 
a_non_moose
Gerbil
Posts: 55
Joined: Thu Dec 27, 2001 7:00 pm

Fri Apr 11, 2003 4:55 pm

whew! now that im done with that intellectual reasoning exercise, i'll move on to even more broad stroke generalizations.


I think I found a new sig. :D

Thanks.
 
tanker27
Gerbil Khan
Posts: 9444
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Location: Georgia

Fri Apr 11, 2003 5:20 pm

Dude just a fair warning, Do Not Ever, Ever, Ever, Ever, Ever, Come to Atlanta Georgia! It will just piss you off!

I have to agree with you, I have to put up with the same $#!t here to. And just like you said SUV's get another whole rant.
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Buub
Maximum Gerbil
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Location: Seattle, WA
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Fri Apr 11, 2003 10:32 pm

I'm sorry, but the worst drivers in the world live in Seattle.

Lane usage? They've heard of it... well, maybe they haven't.

There are other cars on the road? Really?! When did that happen? I wasn't paying attention...

Seriously, this is the only place in the cosmos where the common lane usage rules have never been observed. I mean, I've been in Eastern European ex-Soviet contries where the ONLY rule on the road was stay to the right unless you're going fast, then get the hell out of the way. Yet, Seattle moves in an alternate reality where the left lane is where you drive if you're not going fast enough for the commuter lane. Where dozing off and just cruising along at your own pre-determined speed is what every car does in every lane. Where people pull out into your lane in front of you going 15MPH slower, not because they're mean or want to beat you, but because they honestly didn't even know you were there.

Where the far right hand lane is constantly less busy than the far left hand lane. Get on the highway? Don't forget to immediately move all the way across, fit your car in between two other cars five feet apart, then just idle in the left hand lane for no apparant reason.

Yup, and they wonder why we have some of the worst traffic in the nation...
 
Niteslayer
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Location: Peoples Republic of Taxachusetts not Romneyville anymore, boy are we screwed!
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Fri Apr 11, 2003 11:49 pm

Hey, You guys have to come drive in Boston, where the number one rule states "It's my road and you aren't supposed to be driving on it when I am, so GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY!" or rule number two "I can cut you off and road hog any time I want because I OWN THE ROAD and I can't see you cause you aren't supposed to be here!" Rule number two applies mostly to cab drivers who think nobody else on the road has any business being there while they are plying thier trade. Then again so does rule number one. :wink:
"Klaatu, Barrada Nikto!"
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Captain Ned
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Sat Apr 12, 2003 2:58 pm

Niteslayer wrote:
Hey, You guys have to come drive in Boston, where the number one rule states "It's my road and you aren't supposed to be driving on it when I am, so GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY!" or rule number two "I can cut you off and road hog any time I want because I OWN THE ROAD and I can't see you cause you aren't supposed to be here!" Rule number two applies mostly to cab drivers who think nobody else on the road has any business being there while they are plying thier trade. Then again so does rule number one. :wink:


That's why those of us who live in New England, but not in Massachusetts, have a colorful name we scream at the top of our lungs when we see that dreaded license plate. M******e.
What we have today is way too much pluribus and not enough unum.
 
RandomNull
Gerbil Elite
Posts: 506
Joined: Sat Dec 29, 2001 7:00 pm

Sat Apr 12, 2003 3:09 pm

I have to agree with Buub.
Having lived in places such as, Oakland, San Francisco, near LA, Salt Lake, and Portland, Seattle takes the cake with having the absolute worst drivers on the face of the planet.
 
nrobison
Gerbil Team Leader
Posts: 264
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Location: Nevada, U.S.

Sat Apr 12, 2003 4:32 pm

This should be in Religion & Politics :)

I agree, and will note that with three small children I was in imminent danger of Minivan emasculation two years ago, until on the strength of safety & fuel economy arguments I convinced my wife to get a Passat wagon - most of the purpose of a minivan, but with Turbo, stick shift, and if you squint just right from the front it looks like an Audi TT Coupe.
 
b3n113
Minister of Gerbil Affairs
Posts: 2519
Joined: Sun May 12, 2002 3:00 am

Sat Apr 12, 2003 6:43 pm

Buub wrote:
I'm sorry, but the worst drivers in the world live in Seattle.

Lane usage? They've heard of it... well, maybe they haven't.

There are other cars on the road? Really?! When did that happen? I wasn't paying attention...

Seriously, this is the only place in the cosmos where the common lane usage rules have never been observed. I mean, I've been in Eastern European ex-Soviet contries where the ONLY rule on the road was stay to the right unless you're going fast, then get the hell out of the way. Yet, Seattle moves in an alternate reality where the left lane is where you drive if you're not going fast enough for the commuter lane. Where dozing off and just cruising along at your own pre-determined speed is what every car does in every lane. Where people pull out into your lane in front of you going 15MPH slower, not because they're mean or want to beat you, but because they honestly didn't even know you were there.

Where the far right hand lane is constantly less busy than the far left hand lane. Get on the highway? Don't forget to immediately move all the way across, fit your car in between two other cars five feet apart, then just idle in the left hand lane for no apparant reason.

Yup, and they wonder why we have some of the worst traffic in the nation...


Heh, I live in the ID - it's hell in here.
 
Starfalcon
Gerbilus Supremus
Posts: 12008
Joined: Mon Oct 14, 2002 10:43 am

Sat Apr 12, 2003 8:58 pm

I live in chicago, and the traffic is really bad here. The only good thing is that people know how to stay in their own lane here, and most people drive fast when they can.
 
LicketySplit
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Sat Apr 12, 2003 9:30 pm

Buub..Null &bn are spot on....there cannot be a worse place to drive than 405...north or south....I-5..there is sooooo much traffic on the road, it really makes u wonder if anyone even works anymore...no ****..true story! I pass more people in the right lane than i could ever think of trying to do in the monfort(hov) lane... On the weekends, i cant wait to get back over to my house on the east side of the mtns....whole different world...he he :wink:
 
Buub
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Location: Seattle, WA
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Sun Apr 13, 2003 11:16 am

Actually, I used to love driving in Chicago. I lived in the midwest for a long time.

I always knew in Chicago I could count on traffic really moving, and it does. Plus they actually know how to use the lanes there. Personally, aside from maybe some rush-hour gridlock, I think driving in Chicago is great.
 
IntelMole
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Sun Apr 13, 2003 7:17 pm

One more reason to live in the UK:

Not quite so many tailgaters etc.

Instead, we get public-transport louts...

Is that progress? :lol:
IntelMole
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