Personal computing discussed

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dmitriylm
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Sun May 30, 2004 3:40 am

Hah, the jokes are great, keep em coming.

JavaDog and pez-king, whats with the outrage? If forum rules are broken, theres no need to start acting like 12 year old girls. Just let the mods to their jobs. Although I am not offended easily, I still understand that others do, so just keep that in mind. If you don't like the atmosphere, then leave, and don't bother wasting space with those "im going away" posts.
 
FifthElement
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Sun May 30, 2004 5:30 am

A man sits in an airport private longue when he notices Bill Gates across the way. He gathers the nerve to talk to him and wishes to ask him a question. He introduces himself as John and tells Gates that he is expecting to meet a beautiful woman soon. He asks if he could briefly please come over and say "Hi" to him when the woman arrives, thus impressing her that he would know someone like Gates personally. He agrees to the request and minutes later the woman arrives. After a moment, Gates walkes over to the couple and says "Hi John, how are you?". John's response quickly conveys to the woman his elite status among men. "F8ck off Gates! I'm Busy..."
 
Hance
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Sun May 30, 2004 11:58 pm

The British Government's policy of socialized medicine has recently been broadened to include a service called "Proxy Fathers". Under the government plan, any married woman who is unable to become pregnant through the first five years of her marriage may request the service of a proxy father — a government employee who attempts to solve the couple's problem by impregnating the wife.

The Smiths, a young couple, have no children and a proxy father is due to arrive. Leaving for work, Mr. Smith says, "I'm off. The government man should be here soon." Moments later a door-to-door baby photographer rings the bell.

Mrs. Smith: "Good morning."

Salesman: "Good morning, madam. You don't know me, but I've come to....."

Mrs. Smith: (Interrupting) "No need to explain, I've been expecting you."

Salesman: "Really? Well, good. I've made a specialty of babies, specially twins."

Mrs. Smith: "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."

Salesman: (Sitting) "Then you don't need to be sold on the idea?"

Mrs. Smith: "Don't concern yourself. My husband and I both agree this is the right thing to do."

Salesman: "Well, perhaps we should get down to it?"

Mrs. Smith: (Blushing) "Just where do we start?"

Salesman: "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor allows the subject to really spread out."

Mrs. Smith: "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it hasn't worked for Harry and me."

Salesman: "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time, but if we try several locations and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results. In fact, my business card says, 'I aim to please.'"

Mrs. Smith: "Pardon me, but isn't this a little informal?"

Salesman: "Madam, in my line of work, a man must be at ease and take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that."

Mrs. Smith: "Don't I know! Have you had much success at this?"

Salesman: (Opening his briefcase and finding baby pictures) "Just look at this picture. Believe it or not, it was done on top of a bus in downtown London."

Mrs. Smith: "Oh, my!!"

Salesman: "And here are pictures of the prettiest twins in town. They turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

Mrs. Smith: "She was?"

Salesman: "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her down to Hyde Park to get the job done right. I've never worked under such impossible conditions. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

Mrs. Smith: "Four and five deep?"

Salesman: "Yes and for more than three hours, too. The mother got so excited she started bouncing around, squealing and yelling at the crowd. I couldn't concentrate. I'm afraid I had to ask a couple of men to restrain her. By that time darkness was approaching and I began to rush my shots. When the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith: "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh.., equipment?"

Salesman: "That's right, but it's all in a day's work. I consider my work a pleasure. I've spent years perfecting my patented technique. Now take this baby, I shot this one in the front window of a big department store."

Mrs. Smith: "I just can't believe it."

Salesman: "Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

Mrs. Smith: "TRIPOD?!?"

Salesman: "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my equipment on. It's much too heavy and unwieldy for me to hold while I'm shooting. Mrs. Smith?... Mrs. Smith? ...My goodness, she's fainted!"
 
OsakaJ
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Tue Jun 01, 2004 1:36 pm

Subj: Leaving Early

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her.
After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date. The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.
Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.
"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!"
Defend your right to arm bears!
 
OutlawRecon
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Tue Jun 01, 2004 1:41 pm

Haha nice one Hance.
 
VTNC
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Tue Jun 01, 2004 8:14 pm

This guy is at work, when he gets the feeling that he's gotta go. So he goes to the bathroom, carefully picks a stall and starts to go about his business. He suddenly hears a voice from the stall next door saying "Hi! How are you doing?" He thinks it's kind of strange, but responds out of politeness. "I'm fine". Then the guy next door asks "What are you doing right now?". Again, out of politeness the guy says "I think... the same as you?" Then the voice asks "Can I go over there?" Trying not to be rude or offensive he answers "No, I don't think so... I'm kinda busy right now". So the voice finally says "Look, I'm going to have to call you back, there's some idiot sitting next door and eveytime I say something he answers it."
Image
 
viciousjello
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Tue Jun 01, 2004 8:32 pm

A guy walks into a bar on the 22nd floor of an old department store building. Already sitting at the bar is a guy who obviously has had a few to drink. The first guy sits down, orders a drink, and begins to listen to the drunk ramble on. The first guy hears the drunk talking about the weather lately, how windy it's been. "It's so windy outside, you can jump right out the window, and the updrafts will keep you aloft! You can even do a couple spins, and jump right back in the window." The first guy is naturally skeptical, but the drunk says "I'll sshow ya", jumps out, spins around a couple times, and jumps right back in the window! The first guy is amazed, and after a few drinks and a bit more prodding, trys it for himself. He gets up to the window readies himself, jumps out.... and falls 22 floors to his death.

The bartender shakes his head, and says "Superman, you are MEAN when you get drunk."
The ViciousJello

"What I am is good enough, if only I would be it openly." - Unknown
Athlon XP 1800+ ; 1GB PC133 SDRAM ; 2x 80GB Western Digital Sp. Edition ; Radeon 9700 Pro
 
LicketySplit
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Tue Jun 01, 2004 9:08 pm

This big black fella with rastafarian haircut was standing at a busstop on Holloywood and Vine....spittin...cussing..."That mofo shore can drive that car"...this went on for like 15 minutes and a gal that was setting on the bench waiting for a bus speaks up..."Mister...i dont know who you are...and really dont care...if you dont stop that infernal swearing...im going to call the policeman from across the street".....upon hearing this...he goes on another tirade....spits disgustedly...says "That Mofo sure can drive that car". Well...the lady had enuf..she calls the cop from across the street and explains the situation...the cop walks up to the fella and says..."what seems to be the problem fella"?...and once again...he goes into his routine...spitting...coughing..."Man...that Mofo shore can drive that car"!! The cop says ..."Ok...Ok...now settle down Mr...if you cannot give me a valid explanation as to why all this swearing is involved...your going to jail"......."Alrite officer...he says...its like this....this morning me and my cousin Leroy went down to the local Cadillac dealership and took one of those new STS's out for a ride...cop says "ok..thats it...lets go"....no no no...says the man...listen....."im givin you one more chance says the cop"...ok officer..its like this...."we took the caddy out on the road and before i knew it...we was doin 60...thats rite....60 miles an hour in first gear...and i aint Never done no 60 miles an hour in first gear.."...copy wrinkles his brow...cmon he says..."no no no.....officer...then he hit 2nd gear...whoosh...fore ya know it..we was doin 120...and officer...i aint never done no 120 miles and hour in second gear before"...Ok...the cop says..ive had it..."No no no...says the black man...Leroy then hit 3rd gear and we was goin 160 mph...officer..i was scared sh*tless...aint never been 160 miles an hour before..in my entire life...then we come up to a long hill and there was a jackniifed semi truck in the road ...and i says "Leroy...you get me outta this one and ill suck your dick"....spits...disgustedly again..."Man...that MoFo shore can drive that car"
 
OsakaJ
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Wed Jun 02, 2004 1:33 pm

This one's for Action Jim.
...and to Lickety, I apologize in advance.
:D

As President Bush is getting off the helicopter in front of the White House, he has a baby pig under each arm.
The Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, sir."
The President replies: "These are not pigs. These are authentic Texan Razorback Hogs. I got one for VP Cheney and I got one for Defense Secretary Rumsfeld."

The Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and replies, "Nice trade, sir."
Defend your right to arm bears!
 
LicketySplit
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Wed Jun 02, 2004 1:36 pm

Muaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....you rat :lol:
 
Gandolf
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Thu Jun 03, 2004 1:13 am

A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables wrapped around his neck bar tender looks at him and say allright ill let you stay but don't start anything
 
emkubed
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Thu Jun 03, 2004 1:34 am

I'll just borrow this one from Comedy Central's Jokes.com:

What's silver and red and waddles into walls?

A hungry zombie baby with forks in its eyes.
 
dmitriylm
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Thu Jun 03, 2004 1:39 am

emkubed wrote:
I'll just borrow this one from Comedy Central's Jokes.com:

What's silver and red and waddles into walls?

A hungry zombie baby with forks in its eyes.


I think i now know why no one else uses their jokes...
 
JavaDog
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Thu Jun 03, 2004 9:12 am

A guy from Microsoft, a guy from Apple, and a guy from Sun are at a conference. During a break they all go to the restroom to take a leak.

After they finish, the Microsoft guy washes his hands, takes a whole bunch of paper towels and dries his hands really well. He turns to the others and says,

"At Microsoft, we have to be thorough."

The Apple guy then goes to wash his hands and takes a single paper towel and dries his hands perfectly with it. He smugly says,

"At Apple, we have to be thorough AND efficient."

The Sun guy just walks straight out the door without even washing, and says...

"At Sun, we don't piss on our hands."
 
Armigel
Gerbil Team Leader
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Location: Irving, TX.

Thu Jun 03, 2004 8:47 pm

1)A first grade teacher had a small number of children gathered
around a table for a reading group. After the story was read she
gave the children a work sheet to do.

While they were working she heard a little girl say very softly
"damn!"

The teacher leaned over and said quietly, "We don't say that in
school."

The little girl looked at the teacher, her eyes got very big and
she said, "Not even when things are all **** up?"

2)When a mime falls and no one cares... does it hurt?

3)There are three blondes washed up on an island. Suddenly a fairy
appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish.

The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned into a brunette and she swims off the island.

The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous
one, so instantly she is turned into a ravishing redhead. The
redhead builds a boat and sails off the island.

The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the
Previous two. The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across
the bridge.
Fear causes hesitation, and hesitation will cause your worst fears to come true.
 
OutlawRecon
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Thu Jun 03, 2004 9:29 pm

Hahahahahaha the 3rd one was sexist yet soooo funny. :lol:
 
dragmor
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Thu Jun 03, 2004 9:32 pm

Little Johnny is sitting in his math class when his good looking female teacher asks him, 'If three birds are sitting on a telephone wire, and a hunter comes along and shoots one of the birds, how many birds are left?'

Johnny answers, 'None.'

The teacher says, 'No Johnny, that's wrong. If there are three birds, and the hunter shoots one, how many are left? '

'None.'

'No Johnny, that's wrong! How do you figure? '

Johnny explains, 'When the hunter shoots his gun, the birds fly away, so there are none left. '

'Oh, I see. Well that's not the answer that I was looking for, but I like the way you're thinking;' she says.

Johnny starts in, 'Well, ok then. I have a question for you. Three women are sitting on a curb eating Popsicles. The first one is licking her Popsicle, the second is sucking her Popsicle, and the third is biting her Popsicle. Which one of the women is married?

'The teacher stammers, 'Well, let me see. I guess the one who is sucking her popsicle? '

'No, actually its the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way you're thinking.'
 
Hoser
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Thu Jun 03, 2004 9:41 pm

Gandolf wrote:
A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables wrapped around his neck bar tender looks at him and say allright ill let you stay but don't start anything



:roll: :roll:
For those that fought for it, freedom has a taste that the protected will never know.
-Unknown Veteran
 
Illissius
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Fri Jun 04, 2004 10:35 am

This one courtesy of bash.org:

<Th3No0b> Im going to be the next hitler
<Th3No0b> Im going to kill all the jews and 1 clown
<RageAgainsttheAmish> why the clown
<Th3No0b> See? no one cares about the jews
<RageAgainsttheAmish> lmao
Work is punishment for failing to procrastinate effectively.
last.fm profile
 
gubbar924
Gerbil Team Leader
Posts: 265
Joined: Wed Feb 27, 2002 7:00 pm

Fri Jun 04, 2004 10:55 am

JavaDog wrote:
hoser wrote:
JavaDog...............your sick.


My sick what? Ohhh...you meant YOU'RE sick. I see, you just suck at English.



lol, funniest part of this whole thread
sounds like a smart ass thing I'd say
(only to people I know or piss me off though)
<img src="http://gfx.statgfx.com/old/folding.cgi?&username=gubbar&teamid=2630&label=255,255,255&header=255,255,255&stats=255,255,255&trans=yes&template=techreport&.jpg&cpu=2">
 
JavaDog
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Fri Jun 04, 2004 12:17 pm

gubbar924 wrote:
lol, funniest part of this whole thread
sounds like a smart ass thing I'd say
(only to people I know or piss me off though)


<takes a bow>
 
Hoser
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Fri Jun 04, 2004 12:19 pm

JavaDog wrote:
gubbar924 wrote:
lol, funniest part of this whole thread
sounds like a smart ass thing I'd say
(only to people I know or piss me off though)


<takes a bow>


:roll:
For those that fought for it, freedom has a taste that the protected will never know.
-Unknown Veteran
 
JavaDog
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Fri Jun 04, 2004 12:22 pm

*EDIT BY MOD: that link is totally unacceptable and you should know better. Consider yourself officially warned. I won't tolerate stuff like that. -Kevin*
Last edited by JavaDog on Fri Jun 04, 2004 2:28 pm, edited 3 times in total.
 
FroBozz_Inc
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Fri Jun 04, 2004 12:26 pm

No you didn't!

:evil:
 
JavaDog
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Fri Jun 04, 2004 2:11 pm

More of a Kerry fan?
 
Kevin
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Fri Jun 04, 2004 2:22 pm

JavaDog wrote:
More of a Kerry fan?

Right, like that was really the link you had there before. You know exactly what I'm talking about. And by the looks of things, so does FroBozz_Inc. You can feign innocence all day long, but that's not going to make any difference.

So I recommend that you just drop it and move on, and don't post crap like your original link anymore. In fact, don't edit that post anymore.

Kevin

*EDIT: you know what, I don't have time for games today. Your account is now banned. Come talk to me when you're ready to listen.
 
JavaDog
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Tue Jun 15, 2004 10:33 am

The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered
an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired
straight away his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every
inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of the
general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of
points he wished.

The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the
pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of
his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of $720,000.

The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the
tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked
out with a check for $960,000.

When the third general, a grizzled old Marine, was asked where
to measure, he told the pension man ... "From the tip of my
penis to the bottom of my testicles." The pension man suggested
that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider,
pointing out the nice checks the previous two generals had
received. The Marine insisted and the pension expert said that
would be fine, but that he'd better get the medical officer to
do the measuring.

The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop the
pants. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of
the general's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he said.
"Where are your testicles?" The general replied, "In Vietnam."
 
Felix
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Tue Jun 15, 2004 10:51 am

JavaDog wrote:
The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered
an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired
straight away his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every
inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of the
general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of
points he wished.

The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the
pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of
his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of $720,000.

The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the
tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked
out with a check for $960,000.

When the third general, a grizzled old Marine, was asked where
to measure, he told the pension man ... "From the tip of my
penis to the bottom of my testicles." The pension man suggested
that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider,
pointing out the nice checks the previous two generals had
received. The Marine insisted and the pension expert said that
would be fine, but that he'd better get the medical officer to
do the measuring.

The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop the
pants. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of
the general's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he said.
"Where are your testicles?" The general replied, "In Vietnam."


OMFG, that was amazing...
|Sager NP9750|X2 4400+|2GB DDR400|100GB 7200.0|100GB 5400.0|Go 7800 GTX|17" 12ms LCD|
 
FroBozz_Inc
Darth Gerbil
Posts: 7363
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Location: Hockeytown, MI

Wed Jun 16, 2004 9:21 am

LOL an ex-Marine told me that Vietnam one a few weeks ago here.
That was a good one...

Got this today via email:

Subject: FW: The Truth- American vs Japanese TQM- Funny

A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a canoe race
on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their
peak performance before the race. On the big day the Japanese won by a
mile.

Afterward, the American team became very discouraged and morally
depressed.

The American management decided the reason for the crushing defeat had
to be found. A Management Team made up of senior management was formed
to investigate and recommend appropriate action.

Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person
steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and one person
rowing.

So American management hired a consulting company and paid them an
incredible amount of money. They advised that too many people were
steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.

To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the rowing team's
management structure was totally reorganized to 4 rowing supervisors, 3
area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering
manager.

They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1
person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called
the RowingTeam Quality First Program, with meetings, dinners and free
pens for the rower. Even new paddles and medical benefit incentives were
promised for a winner.

"We must give the rower the empowerment and enrichments through this
quality program." The next year the Japanese won by two miles.
Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor
performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and
cancelled all capital investments for new equipment.

The money saved was distributed to the senior executives as bonuses.


Sometimes this is really how it is!
 
JavaDog
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Posts: 2798
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Location: Oahu, HI

Fri Jun 18, 2004 2:07 pm

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous.
A night of tall tales commences.

The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands."

The second chimes in, "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."

The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.
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